Pretend
by spencershasting
Summary: AU without A. Ali very purposely composed her group of Liars to include one who was smart, one who was loyal, one who was admiring, and one who was compassionate. But what if Spencer wasn't the Brain that Ali chose, and instead, she went through high school as one of Ali's prey? What happens when she strikes a deal with popular Toby to play Pretend... sorry for bad summary
1. You Scratch My Back, I'll Scratch Yours

The Hastings were known for perfection, period. It wasn't just about academia or money or beauty or success; the Hastings had it all. That is, all of the Hastings except for Spencer.

Spencer was a smart girl. Too smart for her own good, most adults said when she was a child. She spent recess with her nose in textbooks meant for high school students, she asked all the that questions she wasn't supposed to, and she had a near perfect auditory memory, which meant she barely even took notes in school or needed to study as hard as her sister had to get the same marks. But when it came to accomplishments, that was all she had.

To most parents, that would be more than enough. It would be more than enough; it would be impressive and brag-worthy. But because she was a Hastings, and her sister was the straight-A, prom queen, heartbreaker, debate team and tennis team captain, newspaper editor, and general muse, Spencer's brains just didn't measure up. Even her accomplishments didn't gain her the approval and proudness she saw so often of her sister from her parents that she so badly craved deep inside of her, even if she wasn't fully aware of the desire. Her parents expected the same accomplishments from her as Melissa had brought home, so Spencer was more often than not bullying herself for being a disappointment instead of being upset with her parents for not giving her the attention and outward love she so wanted.

So Spencer wasn't a heart-breaking-team-captain-prom-queen. She was a tutor, a student council member, and hoping to become captain of the decathlon team this year. But beyond that, she had nothing. She didn't bring home boys from the country club whose parents became clients of her father. She didn't bring home trophies. She spent a lot of her time trying to be perfect, and it came off as weird, self-involved, and awkward.

Spencer didn't have the curves or the bouncy hair or the bright green eyes her sister had to even get a boy's gaze. She was plain, quiet, and mousy. She didn't have friends, either. At least not outside of the classroom. She wasn't quite weird enough for the weirdos at school, but she was too plain, too quiet, and too geeky to be noticed by anyone else. Except Alison, although she wished she didn't have Alison's attention. Alison had tried to be her friend back when they were young, seeing that they were neighbors. But Ali tried to take advantage of Spencer, and Spencer was too smart for her tricks. So Ali made sure that everyone else would give her Hell for it. But that was a different story.

Spencer had become accustomed to being alone in her room. And she mostly liked it that way. But being home was painful; because her parents were so obviously disappointed in the way she'd turned out. She realized this when she was still in elementary school, and she failed to excel at sports the way her sister had. She took dance classes as a girl, and continued into high school, but her family saw that as frivolous and a waste of time since it couldn't go on her résumé. She eventually stopped telling them she attended.

Trying to protect herself from her parents, Spencer started to tell white lies over the years. She would go for a walk or stay extra hours at the dance studio and tell them she was chairing an event, or going out with friends, maybe even hint that it was a boy she was too shy to tell them about. She'd tell them she was running for class president, or nominated for homecoming queen. Just to see them smile and feel like she belonged in the Hastings house.

She looked in the mirror and sighed. This was as good as it was going to get. It was the first day back at school after a long weekend. She usually didn't get down on herself, but lately she'd been in a particular slump. Her sister had just gotten engaged to a doctor and her parents were over the moon. But it also meant they kept comparing her to Melissa, and questioning if Spencer could ever be as lucky as Melissa to find such a successful husband.

She flew downstairs, trying to avoid her parents, as usual. Thankfully they'd both left for work already, so she was able to get to school fairly quickly, as she was already running late that morning.

She made her typical stop at the tutoring center before class, and saw none other than Mr. Popular, Toby Cavanaugh, standing at the counter waiting.

"What can I help you with, Toby?" Spencer's eyes narrowed as she started to organize the desk. She wasn't exactly thrilled to see him that morning, since she was already having a bad week. He wasn't particularly nice to her, although it had admittedly gotten significantly better since he'd dated, and consequently broken up with Alison.

Toby was different. He was the kind of popular where he wasn't just friends with the other popular kids, but with everybody. Somehow he had the qualities that let him bounce from social circle to social circle seamlessly. He ruled the school. Everyone wanted to be his friend, or just plain wanted him. Girls fought over him and he was constantly seen with a new girl on his arm. He had been homecoming and prom king the past few years, and played baseball, as well as being the go-to guy in woodshop. He was the kind of handsome that was weathered, calloused, mature.

The one thing he was lacking, however, was the ability to focus in school. Particularly math. And if he didn't get his grades up, he wouldn't be able to do his extracurriculars. It was his senior year, and scouts would be coming soon to watch all the athletics on campus and start handing out scholarships. He couldn't afford to be benched now.

"I need you to tutor me in Calculus." He put down his collection of D's and F's as proof.

She sighed heavily. "I don't think I have any time in my schedule," she lied. "But I'll find someone and email you with the contact info by this afternoon."

"But I wanted you… you're the best. I've heard you in class. You practically know the material better than Mr. Longo." The cool kids were always much nicer to her when they needed her help. But they always retreated to talking about her behind her back after tutoring sessions. She learned that way not to make anything personal. She always got hurt.

The bell rang, cutting him off. "I have to get to class. I'll email you with your tutor's information." She gathered her things and left the office.

xx

After school, Spencer had stayed late in the library doing homework and the lot was mostly empty, except for a tall figure leaning up against the driver's side of her car. She approached slowly, until she realized it was Toby.

"Are you stalking me now?" She shoved her phone in her pocket and unlocked her car, throwing her bag in the backseat.

"I saw you this morning; that's my bike." He nodded towards the motorcycle in the spot across from hers.

"Maybe you should ride it. Home." She grimaced.

"Come on, hear me out. You're the best tutor in school. I can't afford to fail and be kicked off the football team this close to scout season. I'm sure there's something you need.. maybe we could make some sort of agreement… you know, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours?"

She rolled her eyes. "My back is fine."

"Come on, you know what I mean."

She looked up at him, this time finally giving him eye contact. He really did look like he needed it.

She exhaled loudly. "One month, only. If you're going to work with me, you have to be willing to really work. I'm not going to give you the answers or do your homework for you. You play by my rules or we're done." She said seriously and quickly. She slowed down and dug her hands in her pockets, rocking up onto her toes, her shoulders shrugged. "Tomorrow, 4pm."

"I knew you were good people, Hastings." He excitedly bounced off of her car. "I'll see you tomorrow."

xx

The next day he hung around after class as she was leaving. "Where did you wanna meet?" He said, and she looked at him blankly. She wasn't used to being stopped in the hallway. "Spencer? Studying? 4?"

"Oh, uhm… meet me in the lot again." She sighed. She went to continue talking to him, but his friends came over.

"Is Freak Hastings bothering you?" His friends crowded around him, nudging him, laughing at her expense.

His eyes seemed to be filled with apologies, although he never uttered one out loud. In fact, he didn't say anything. His friends continued to laugh.

"Well, go on," Spencer's eyes had flickered down, but she hadn't moved or said anything. Part of her thought that he was going to stop them. She came out of her daydream and muttered something inaudible before walking away, the laughter following her down the hall. She looked back, and Toby made eye contact with her before walking the other way with his friends.

xx

Toby was running in the parking lot towards Spencer's car as she was backing out of the lot to go home. He stood next to her window, banging on it. "Hey, wait."

"We had a deal. 4pm. It's 4:05." She said matter of factly.

"Is this about earlier? Don't punish me for my friends… maybe I can talk to them. Maybe that can be our deal? I'll make them stop calling you…uhm…"

"Freak Hastings—" she interjected. He had been afraid to say it in front of her face.

"Yeah…that. But it'll be a win-win."

"No thank you. I can handle myself." She sighed, "Just meet me at Rosewood Library. The second floor has quiet rooms you can sign in to. We can study there. But if you're late next time I really will leave." She didn't know why she was being nice to him.

He put his hands together like he was praying and almost kissed her on the cheek he got so excited. "Thank you, you won't regret this!" He bellowed, hopping onto his bike and following her to the library.

xx

They had been studying every day after school at the library. She was short with him, and tough on him. But he was working hard, and his grades were already improving. Albeit he was getting C's instead of D's, it was progress.

Spencer had been coming home happier. He was actually not as bad as she thought he would be. One-on-one he was actually…interesting. He would talk a lot to try and distract her from giving him difficult problems, and sometimes it turned into really good conversations. She was happy to have somebody to talk to. Even if it was just business.

Her parents had noticed. They prodded her every day about where she was so long after school, why she was being so secretive yet chipper. She would just shrug her shoulders, loving that they were interested and paying attention.

Tonight was family dinner, and Melissa was over with Wren. But they weren't getting all of the attention. "So when are we going to meet this mystery man?" Veronica's lips turned upwards into a smile.

"What?" Spencer looked up from her plate.

"Benjamin said he saw you after school with some football player. Every day for the past two and a half weeks. When are we going to meet him?" Veronica sat up straighter, clearly happy. Benjamin was a man that belonged to the country club and one of Veronica's clients. His son also happened to be the coordinator for the sports programming at her school, so he was often around after school hours when practices were usually held.

Spencer looked at her confused, but then realized she meant Toby. Her eyes perked up. "Maybe soon. It's actually getting kind of serious, I think," Spencer gushed, learning everything from all the years she watched her sister share her own news at the dinner table. She made up a short story, and watched her parents smile, and Melissa look in shock at the conversation happening across the table. "Football, huh? My kinda guy. Hope he isn't a Jets fan…" Peter laughed. "I'll bring him to a game sometime, if you ever let us meet him."

Spencer just smiled.

xx

A few days later, Spencer and Toby arrived at the library to see that an event for children was going on, and the place was overrun by loud toddlers and preschoolers.

"Toby, focus." She said as he started to doodle next to the problem she gave him.

"I can't" he sounded a bit aggressive, a little girl was sitting next to him singing a Frozen song over and over again. She clearly had only learned the chorus. "Can we just do this somewhere else?" He grunted.

"We can go back to my house. No one's usually home until after 7."

"Please, let's go." Toby slammed shut his books.

When they arrived at her house, she let him in through the kitchen. "Sit wherever. We can go in the living room if you're more comfortable." She said opening the cabinets and pouring herself a glass of juice.

"Do you want anything?" She looked at him, and his stomach growled as if it was trying to answer Spencer before his mouth could. She just laughed.

"I'll make us popcorn." She smiled. She met him in the living room after a moment, balancing two glasses and the bowl of popcorn.

"Wow, you could have been a waitress if you weren't going to be some rocket scientist." He laughed, taking the bowl from her.

"Where were we?" She said, opening the books. He resumed and they kept taking small breaks since her house was much more relaxed than the library. He was very inquisitive about the pictures hanging in frames on the walls.

"There sure are a lot of pictures of your sister," He narrowed his eyes.

"Yeah, well. That's just how it is around here…" She started.

"What do you mean?"

"Nevermind." She said, hearing the door open in her kitchen. Her mom had gotten home early.

"Spencer, are you home?" Veronica walked in and saw the two on the couch. "Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt" She smiled and extended her hand. "I'm Veronica, Spencer's mom."

Toby shook her hand. "Toby…" he flashed her a smile.

"Mom, I thought you were in court today?"

"We asked for more time and it got granted. Don't worry, I'll leave you two alone."

She smiled a bit relieved, but then her father walked in. Spencer started to rub her temples.

"Are you okay?" Toby looked at her.

"Just…my parents are a lot." She whispered beore Peter joined them all in the living room.

"So this must be the big bad boyfriend," Peter smiled and extended his arm to shake Toby's hand.

"Actually," Toby started, but Spencer jumped up. "Mom, Dad, I forgot to tell you, I think the hallway smoke detector needs it's battery changed. It's been beeping all afternoon. I don't want it to keep me up all night. I have a test tomorrow and I need to sleep."

"I'll check it out, but I'll catch ya later." He nodded towards Toby before heading upstairs. Her mother had gone into the kitchen to start dinner.

Spencer exhaled loudly, her cheeks bright red. "I can…" she started to try to explain.

"Boyfriend, huh?" Toby smirked, she wasn't sure if he was laughing at her or just being an ass.

"Stop…my parents, they just assumed when they heard I was spending time with a guy and I let them believe it… because they wanted me to be more like my sister and when they thought we were dating… I finally was. I'm sorry I didn't stop it, I just…"

"No, it's good…"

"What?" Her eyes narrowed.

"I finally have something you want. I'll go along with this whole… boyfriend thing. And you continue to tutor me for the rest of the year. Then I get good grades, you get whatever you need from your parents thinking you're dating a football star."

She made a face. "Star…?" she laughed "Okay, cocky." She still looked unsure.

"Come on, it's a win-win."

"Fine… deal." She extended her hand to shake on it, but instead was met with his lips crashing into hers.

She was going to yell or react but heard her mother's footsteps behind them. "Oh, sorry… I just wanted to know if Toby was staying for dinner."

"Thanks, Mrs. Hastings, but I've gotta get going soon." He nodded.

"What the hell was that?" Spencer said as her mother left, her lips still tingling a bit. She didn't tell him that he'd just stolen her first kiss.

"If you want me to pretend to be like your boyfriend… you need to play the part. Your end of the deal, baby! That way, I can be, uh, motivated when we study…. And you can get the full boyfriend experience." He grinned. He was such a guy, only interested in boobs and bikes and making out.

"Uhm…"

"Take it or leave it, Spence."

"Deal." She nodded, unsure of what she had gotten herself into.


	2. The Butterfly Effect

That weekend, she was to help him with a take-home assignment worth a decent chunk of his grade. It would be the first time she'd seen him since they'd made their "deal." She was going over his house to study. She was oddly nervous about seeing him again, after the last time she'd seen him he stole her first kiss away from her and had left her lips tingling for some time afterwards.

_Spencer, it doesn't matter. He's not your real boyfriend and honestly, he's a pig-headed idiot athlete and his opinion doesn't matter_ she silently scolded herself as she flattened her skirt over her thighs and adjusted her bra so her cleavage sat perfectly. _You almost look like Melissa… you almost look like one of them._ She wanted to cringe, but she was partially proud of herself. She was wearing a black and red plaid skater skirt she'd taken from one of the boxes of things her sister had left behind when she moved out; it had probably been worn to many football games and in the backseats of many guys' cars when Melissa was in high school. She wore a black tank top underneath a black cardigan and her favorite black Doc Marten's that her mother hated so much. She was running late as it was, but continued to fix her mascara – pretty much the only make up she wore – before running out the door and driving to Toby's house.

She rang the doorbell a few times before he finally answered. He was in pajama pants and nothing else, his hair a mess. "Did you just wake up?" She squinted. "It's 1:30 p.m."

"It's also Saturday." He let her in and shut the door quickly, as the sunlight was blinding him.

She gingerly followed him in as he lead her downstairs. The entire downstairs was converted to his own mini-apartment. He had a small bedroom holding just his bed, a dresser, and a nightstand, and the larger room it was in felt like a small apartment; he had a pool table, a beat-up couch, television, game system, a shelf of board games, and a mini-fridge.

"Make yourself at home," he said, brushing his hair with his fingers.

"You can go shower. I'll wait." She said, sitting on the bench at the end of his bed and spreading out some books. "I brought some of my own work to do. Just be quick."

"Wow, Spencer Hastings isn't rushing me for waking up late? It must be my lucky day," he joked, as she was usually so hard on him.

"Well, I was actually a little late coming over here…" she blushed a little.

"You look good, Hastings." He nodded, noticing that she'd taken extra care today. She just smiled as he ran upstairs. He came back in jeans and was still in the process of pulling a t-shirt over his head when he sat with her.

"So there's fifty questions, so they're only worth two points each. You can afford to get quite a few wrong and still do decently well. That's a good thing." She handed it over to him. "I made a practice test for you, all the same types of problems. There' are only 25 questions on mine, though. So if you do mine, which is probably the harder one, it'll seem easy when you do the longer one."

He put down the tests. "So how about for every question I get right, we kiss once."

She just blushed. "Whatever will make you get through this." She pretended she wasn't anxious or excited to be kissing him again. She wanted to act like this wasn't a big deal. Like she knew what she was doing and was maybe even good at it.

After every question or so that he got right, they would lean in and share a short, brief kiss. But as they got through more and more questions, he would kiss her a little longer each time.

They kissed about 50 or so times that day, out of the 75 he had to do between his homework and her pre-test. Her lips felt raw by the end of it.

"See, that wasn't so bad." He smirked, wiping his lips. "I'm only going to get better from here. This is really working out. It's like a nice little reward every time I get a question right." He had his hand on her thigh, and he squeezed lightly at her leg in encouragement.

"Yeah…" she trailed off, her cheeks pink.

"So, do you have to go, or do you want to stay for lunch? I really only know how to make grilled cheese or cereal, but kissing and math make me hungry." His stomach growled.

"I could do lunch…" she nodded with a small smile, following him upstairs to the kitchen.

xx

Over the next few weeks, they studied at least two or three times a week, sometimes more. That was a lot of kissing. He would suggest new rules every time they studied. One day, it would be a kiss for every right question. The next would be however many right questions he got, they would make out for that many minutes, etc. He was very, very patient with her, and though he never asked her about her past experiences, he was always slow and always made sure that she felt respected and was enjoying herself.

And she was. She thought it was exciting and wonderful and hated to admit she thought he was…kinda okay. He even started to talk to her in class, and to tell his friends to buzz off if they called her Freak Hastings. She was starting to like him.

Often after they'd study, he'd ask her to stay for a meal, or to watch TV, or to just hang out. She thought she was reading into it and often brushed off the thoughts quickly and forgetting them, but he was very touchy with her. Not in a sexual way, either. He would stroke her arm while they talked, seemingly absentmindedly; he would put an arm around her when they watched TV and sometimes he would tangle his fingers in her long hair when his arm was around her shoulder.

They had just finished studying, and he shut his books and moved them off of his bed, leaning on top of her. "I'm setting our alarm for 23 minutes." He grinned. The longest they'd ever done this was only about seven minutes; he was getting much better at math.

She was a bit nervous, but he never seemed to complain that she wasn't doing it right. They kissed and wrestled tongues until his alarm went off, and he rolled off of her. She followed suit this time, and rolled into him. It was late, since he had had practice prior to their session leading to them starting late, and she was exhausted. She was so tired that she didn't realize that she had inadvertently snuggled into him, letting out a soft, tired sigh when she settled.

He laughed a little and tousselled her hair. "I wore ya out, did I?" He smirked, his eyes telling jokes. "I've still got it," he joked as he put his hands under his head in a lounging position, letting her stay rested on his chest.

When she realized that she'd snuggled up and moaned like a weirdo, she wanted to jump up and leave, feeling silly, but he pulled her in a little closer when he shifted and surprised her with a kiss on top of her head.

This was now the third kiss he'd given her, albeit not on her lips, when it was not called for in terms of their agreement: the first time, her first kiss, when he proposed the deal, the second when he'd brought home his first B+, and just now, for no reason at all.

_Don't be an idiot. Try to be a normal person. Stop over-thinking. Stop thinking this is anything more than a game._ Spencer reprimanded herself silently.

He sat up a bit, and she sat up a bit too to match his movements, feeling as if she could breathe wrong or move too suddenly and make everything crash to the ground. She felt content and safe here. So, she matched his movements carefully.

"I'm having some people over after the game tomorrow." He announced as he sat up. "Just down here in the basement, some beers and some music… you should come. It's a lot of fun."

"I, uh.. I don't think so." She sat up.

"What? Why not? Come on, you can't still hate me. I've been nothing but a perfect student." He smirked. "And I think I've been a pretty good _boyfriend," _the word left his voice with a chuckle, squeezing her shoulder.

"I never hated you." She murmured quietly.

"So then what's the problem?"

She stayed silent for a moment. "I just don't think it's a good idea."

"Are you still afraid of my friends? Come on, they've almost completely stopped calling you names… I've really been trying to get them to stop being such dicks. It's not going to do them any good when they're back on the bottom next Fall as freshmen all over again. And I've been trying to tell them you're not—" he stopped when she stood up, escaping his arms.

"I'm not afraid." She shot back. Hastings weren't supposed to be afraid. "It just isn't my scene. I don't really drink."

"It could change everything. Good face time with all the popular kids? Come on. You could just drink soda if you wanted. No one has to see what's in your cup. They'll see that you're funny and sarcastic and smart and they'll be nicer to you."

"I'll think about it." She said, wanting to drop the subject.

He just nodded before letting her go upstairs to leave.

xx

The next night after the game, he still hadn't heard from her. But he didn't want her to miss this party. He had actually grown to consider her a good friend, and wanted his other friends to see that side of her. He thought he could make life better for her. _Easier. _He saw her face when she spoke, and he could tell that there was pain behind her eyes. It looked like the pain he remembered in his mother's eyes before she had gone for treatment in Radley. He hated seeing those eyes. He never asked her what it was that was hurting her, because he assumed it was the obvious bullying and exclusion she felt at school. But she didn't care about that as much as she did her parents. He never really asked her why he had to pretend to be her boyfriend, anyway. He never really asked about her family, or her situation. He didn't like to talk about his, so he let others do their own thing, too.

Toby had sent his friends out to go buy some snacks and some sodas to mix with the hard liquors, buying him some time. He drove up to the Hastings house and decided that he was going to get her to come whether she liked it or not. He figured she just had social anxiety about it, and that once she got there and he showed her it would be fun, she could loosen up. He had already talked to all of his friends and told them that she would be there, and that he wasn't afraid to kick some ass if he heard even one utterance of _Freak Hastings._ He even lectured Ali, which never went well, but he felt that he needed to.

He came to her house and schmoozed with her mother, telling Veronica he was there to pick her up. He knew full well that if he came to the door her parents would send her out, and she wouldn't be able to deny him in front of them. Veronica called Spencer and told her that Toby was here to pick her up, and she fumed, throwing her book aside. She should have known he was going to be rotten about this. "You can send him up," she announced. "I'm almost done getting ready." She grunted; she didn't want him alone with her mother too long. Who knows what one of them might say.

"I can't believe you trapped me," she furrowed her eyebrows as he walked into her bedroom. "I need to change. I don't have party clothes! Ugh" She was wearing leggings and a loose v-neck. He just laughed, sitting on the edge of her bed.

"Just put something on. It doesn't matter."

She rolled her eyes and begrudgingly stomped over to her closet, pulling out a pair of high-waisted skinny jeans, a lacy pink crop top, and a maroon sweater that had studs on the shoulders. She faced her closet while she changed with the door cracked, and he could just make out the outline of her curves and her bare back when she lifted her shirt above her head to change, and again as she reached around her back to clasp what looked like a sexy nude bra.

Toby hadn't realized he had been staring until she was in front of him, fully dressed, barking at him that if they didn't leave now she was going to change her mind. _Wow, who knew she had that __**body**__ underneath her clothes? She's kind of… really… hot. How have I been touching and kissing her this whole time without realizing this?_ Toby was still kind of lost in his thoughts when he finally processed her words.

"Toby!" She yelled again, stomping his foot with her Converse.

"Hey! Ooouch!" He playfully pushed her a little. "Are you ready?" He asked, forgetting that she had just said that nine times.

She crossed her arms over her chest, not sure if he had been ignoring her or if he meant she needed to do something else. She leaned over to see her reflection in her vanity and shook out her loose curls and wiped the corner of her eye where a bit of mascara, the only makeup she was wearing, was smudged.

"This is as good as it's gonna get, so we really have to go."

"You look good." He reassured her. As he led her out of her house and said goodbye to her parents, he slipped his arm around her as they walked to his truck.

"You really do look _hot." _He whispered in her ear, and she just gulped, unsure what to do or say.

They pulled up to his house and Noel, Caleb, Sean, and Holden were already there, along with Hanna, Aria and Ali. Noel was helping Hanna do a keg-stand, and the others sat around with red solo cups filled with various alcoholic beverages. Toby pulled her downstairs, his hand glued to her hip.

"Everyone knows Spencer, right? Spencer, this is…everybody." He laughed, hopping over to the table where they'd set up all the drinks. The music was loud and Spencer tried to adjust quickly, following Toby and trying not to make eye contact with anybody.

"Soda, right?" He said after he'd poured himself a vodka soda.

"I'll have what you're having," she said softly, pushing some hair behind her ear.

"I thought you didn't—"

She cut him off by taking the bottle of vodka from him and pouring it into one of the small plastic shot glasses on the table, and quickly shooting it back, putting the shot glass back onto the table loudly. "It could change everything," she mimicked his argument from earlier when he'd invited her to come with a sly smile.

He shrugged and poured her a drink and squeezed her butt as she started to walk away. She just looked back and stuck out her tongue at him before settling in the corner.

_Damn, she's sexy as hell._ Toby thought watching her walk away, still shocked at how she'd done the shot so easily.

He went over to the guys. "You can't tell me you still think she's a freak… did you see how she looks in that top? Her hair down makes her pretty sexy." He sipped slow, watching her slowly starting to engage in conversation with Aria. He was happy for her.

"I'd hit it," Noel raised his eyebrows. "But she'd probably start talking about the scientific parts of our bodies and it would ruin it. But she's hot, you're right. Nice work, whatever you did to her."

"I didn't. She's just… hot. And she's cool, don't peg her for being only a brain until you talk to her. _But don't touch her."_ Toby warned. "You'd only make a mess and she isn't that type of girl."

Noel just rolled his eyes. "You know i've got Aria anyway. I'm just sayin', if she were interested I wouldn't kick her out of bed." He goofily grinned as teenage boys do, especially when they've had a beer or four.

Across the room, Spencer and Aria had been making small talk. Aria asked Spencer where she got her kickass sweater, and they tipsily bonded as they walked over to refill their drinks together. Spencer was a bit less nervous now.

Ali came over after a bit, sitting in between Spencer and Aria and giving Aria a look that told her to make herself disappear for a moment. Aria went to go snuggle up to Holden instead.

"So, you've been hanging out with Cavanaugh…" Ali said. "He's a catch, isn't he?" She gazed over at Toby, watching Spencer carefully as she did the same, watching the fireworks go off over her head.

"I'm just tutoring him. We hang out sometimes." Spencer swallowed hard, taking a long gulp and wishing Ali would leave her alone.

"They always do downgrade," Ali said under her breath, but Spencer was pretty sure she heard it. Her grip tightened on her cup. "I can make this easier for you." Ali offered.

"What are you talking about?" Spencer glared.

"Don't play dumb," Ali flipped her hair over her shoulder. "We both know that I can make your life even more meaningless than it already is; I could ruin you, and your little friend Toby, too. You wouldn't want that, would you? I saw how you were looking at him… poor little Spencer's got a crush…"

"I do not!" She snapped back, a bit louder than she'd meant to.

"You can spin whatever story you want, but I know you wouldn't want anything bad to happen…I can also make things much easier for you." She sat back, observing the whole party: Caleb and Hanna making out in the corner, random kids that had shown up later on dancing and gossiping, the guys helping girls do keg stands, and everyone laughing and looking beautiful. The American dream. "This could all be yours." Alison smiled.

"What do you want, Ali?" Spencer was not amused. She knew how Ali operated.

"You see, I've just got too many social obligations to worry about all of the term papers I've got coming up..."

"You want me to write your papers?" Spencer posed it as a question, but was more processing because she already knew the answer.

"It's a small price to pay, Spencer. It's only a few research papers… plus a Calculus project… and a Visual Arts project… but you're Brainy Hastings, right? Toby only said I couldn't call you a freak…but Brainy is like, a compliment to you, right?" Alison finished her beer and put the bottle on the table.

She looked over at Toby, and back at Spencer. "You have the power to change everything, Spencer. The choice is yours." Alison got up after a pregnant pause; Spencer was trying to figure out how her life could possibly get any worse. If Ali would really hurt Toby. But she realized she was vindictive, of course she would hurt Toby.

"I'll do it." She said, as Ali started to turn away to leave.

"I knew you were smart." Ali smiled. "I'll email you the assignments tomorrow." She said before finally leaving her alone. Spencer exhaled loudly, exasperated, and joined Toby near the keg.

"Help me up," she nudged him.

"_You_ want to do this?" He laughed. "Don't get ahead of yourself, Spence."

"Come on, don't you want me to have fun?" She whined.

Noel came up behind her close enough that she felt his breath on her neck. "Is Toby giving you a hard time?" He raised his eyebrows. "Come on, I'll help you have a good time," he winked, and lifted her with Sean's help so she could to a keg kind of just stood back in awe of her. She was challenging every conception he had previously had of her. And he hated to admit it, but he was _extremely_ attracted to her right now.

They were really impressed with how much she drank. Afterwards, she retreated to her position next to Toby, sloppily throwing her arms around his neck.

"You're drunk, aren't you?" He laughed. He never imagined he'd see Spencer Hastings, the picture of proper, a sloppy mess.

She pushed her lips into his, feeling daring with her new boozy mindset. "I want to change everything…" she said softly, pulling him away from his friends towards his room.


	3. The Answer(s)

_A/N: Thank you so so much to everyone keeping up with this story and reviewing and messaging me about it. I am so overwhelmed with how much you all like this story. Please keep reviewing so I can update again!_

She shut the door behind them, stumbling to find the light switch. Toby had his hands on either side of her hips, not touching her, but following them so if she started to trip he could catch her before she fell. She finally got the lamp on, casting a small light in the room and leaving her shadow on his wall.

"What are we doing in here?" Toby questioned.

"I want to change everything," she repeated, slurring a bit; her breathe was a mix of beer with a faint trace of the vodka she'd drank first and strawberry from her chapstick, which she always re-applied too many times when she was nervous. She was closer to his face than she'd realized she was, and although he was buzzed, he was very aware that she was way drunker than he was.

"Spencer, I don't know what that means. If you want to leave, I can get someone to drive you home. I can't, I've been drinking…"

"I don't want to go home," he felt her thumbs hook into the belt loops of his jeans, the tips of her fingers grazing the top hem of his pants. She pulled him closer to her that way and left a sloppy kiss on his lips.

"Spencer," he pulled away. "This isn't why I invited you here. You don't have to do this tonight."

"You talk too much." She narrowed her eyes and started to kiss him again, pushing him against the bed and putting her knees on either side of him as they laid down. She kissed him more intensely than they'd ever kissed before. Not particularly because she was meaning to, but simply because all of her inhibitions had gone and she wasn't as hesitant or careful as she usually was.

On one hand, Toby was excited to have a pretty girl straddling him. If this were any other girl on any other day under any other circumstance, he would probably already have her panties off and be groaning inside of her.

But this was _Spencer Hastings._ He didn't mean that in the sense that she was a freak and he wouldn't want to have sex with her. He meant that as in _she's too innocent for this and isn't the type of girl you just fuck and never speak to again._ He never asked her anything about her past, as to not embarrass her or bring to light anything that might upset her, but he was positive that she was a virgin. He wasn't going to take that away from her while she was drunk, at a party she didn't even want to be at. That was just cruel.

He continued to kiss her for a while, unable to send the messages of hesitance and respectability rushing through his brain to his lips. He pulled her by the hips and flipped them over, so he was on top of her. He kissed her neck for a little while, causing her to moan softly and buck her hips up towards his.

And then he felt that _feeling_ in his jeans. He knew that if he went on any further, his little friend wouldn't have him stop. He was on the edge of starting something he knew he couldn't finish. He pushed her hips down and pulled his lips away from her.

"Spencer, you and I both know that we can't do anything." He said, retreating from the position he was in over her.

She looked at him blankly. At first, he wasn't sure if she had heard him. Maybe she felt sick? After all, she never, ever drank before this.

"Did you mean it?" She finally let out, sitting up on his bed; the place had become familiar over the past few weeks and she would be lying if said this wasn't one of her safe places. She felt safer here than her own bedroom, filled with memories of tears and fights and screams with her parents, and less than half the achievements on the walls that Melissa had decorating her own walls.

"What? That I wanted to stop…yes. Spencer, you're drunk."

She felt less drunk now, although she knew she still was. She was feeling more vulnerable than anything else.

"Did you mean it, when you picked me up and you said I was _hot."_ Her voice cracked, she seemed like she was laughing at something. It was the thought of her body being anything complimentary.

"I didn't say that to get you in here," he started again, completely convinced that they only reason Spencer would have dragged him into his bedroom and furiously kiss him the way she had was because she felt a sense of obligation, whether it be like when they kissed when they studied, or because she was trying to climb the social ladder at his party and wanted to make a statement to everyone in the other room, even though they honestly probably didn't notice Toby go in there with her. Or maybe she thought that this had been his intention all along.

"Nooooo," she howled, drunkenly frustrated that he wasn't giving her the answers she wanted.

He chucked a little. She was clearly having a hard time, but she was typically so eloquent and well-versed, and right now she seemed like an overgrown toddler.

But her eyes still searched all of him for an answer. They darted all over the room, all over him, with a serious look in them.

"I want to know if you think…if I'm _pretty_ tonight." She stammered.

"Spencer…I'm not trying to offend to by not fucking you. I promise you'll thank me in the morn–"

"It has nothing to do with the kissing." She interrupted him. Her cheeks felt red and hot after he said the word "fucking." She never thought of her body and that action in the same contexts. "I just want to know the truth. You don't have to lie if you don't think I'll like the answer," she said, putting her hand on his chest, her finger drawing a line down the center, her eyes finding his again. She never made eye contact when she spoke unless it was serious. "I just want to know if you really thought that."

"Spencer, you're _very_ attractive. Even Noel was talking about you. I told him to keep away, though. He's got a good reputation for not calling girls after a few dates." He said, trying to sound protective.

His eyes darted back to her to make contact once more, but her head was down towards her chest. He didn't think it was anything until he heard her sniffle, and he lifted her chin to see her face. She pushed him away and looked down again. She was crying.

"Spencer, I can tell Noel to talk to you if you like him…I didn't think you were interested…I'm sorry." He got up.

"I'm not," she sniffled.

"So why are you crying?"

"Sometimes, I thought I might be. Just some good days," she started, but he was lost once again. It didn't help she was mostly mumbling. She actually did that a lot. She was afraid to let her words out all the way, and a mumble made it easier to try and take them back. He didn't interrupt her, though. He wanted to let her get it out and he would try to follow.

"I always felt really guilty when I thought it, because I didn't deserve it. But I thought it anyway, probably once every few months. I felt it more often recently. I actually felt it earlier today..." She continued.

"I'm sorry that you're upset, Spencer," he sat down next to her. "But I think you're drunk and maybe are a little confused… maybe don't know what you're saying." He put his hand on her leg.

"I do know," she snapped a little.

"What did you feel earlier today?" He asked, exhaling loudly. He was trying to understand her point but it was convoluted. It didn't help he was also drunk.

"I felt like I might be pretty." She said, very quietly, as if it were a secret. "But everybody knows that I'm not. I never was, not even when I was a little girl. So I knew that I was wrong when I thought it. But now you said I am, today anyway… and that made me happy because I was right about it today. Maybe I was right about it another time, too." She spoke slowly, but he guessed that it wasn't the alcohol. She was embarrassed and maybe even a little scared of the words she was saying. She normally would have spoken with more grace, maybe phrased her thoughts more carefully and would have made more sense, but it all came together now.

"Wait…who told you that you aren't pretty?"

"Melissa… Ian, my parents… all of your friends… _freaks_ aren't pretty." She spoke matter of factly. Normally, being called unpretty would make a girl cry, and being called pretty would make her happy. But Spencer spoke calmly as she explained all of the ways in which she was inferior. And cried when Toby told her otherwise.

"Spencer… you had to know that that wasn't true. You're _so _pretty. You have pretty long curls, you've got big brown puppy dog eyes, you've got big, full lips, you're tall…" _She has got to be kidding, I cant believe I have to tell her that she isn't a troll. Her parents…? Why would any parent say that to a child? _Toby grimaced at his thoughts and pulled himself back into the moment with her when he heard the heavy breathing again. The kind that came with tears.

"Stop," she said, silent tears staining her cheeks. "I just wanted to know. I don't want to talk about it anymore." She was embarrassed now. She wasn't supposed to cry in front of people like this. She wiped her face quickly with the heel of her hand.

Toby kissed her head. "Come on, let's go back out there." He offered his hand.

"I'm sorry, Toby." She said, taking it. "For bringing you in here. All of your friends are going to think you and I were together,"

"I'm sure no one noticed." He smiled, thinking that she was afraid of people thinking she was a slut. She was actually more afraid that if people knew he kissed her and touched her the way he did, that he joked about them _fucking _and told her she was _so attractive and pretty, _that they might judge him. She kept those thoughts to herself.

They went back out to the party, and sure enough, it was like they had never left.

Spencer switched to water for most of the rest of the night, with few exceptions. She became friendly with Aria and her oldest friend, Holden, who she snuggled up with a lot, much to the dismay of her current hook up, Noel. Toby let her be, happy to see her socializing.

xx

The next morning, Spencer woke up feeling as if she had gotten slapped upside the head. "Good morning, Sunshine," Toby laughed as she shoved a pillow over her head.

He insisted she sleep over, as she was drunk and he didn't want to have to send her home with someone she didn't know. He slept upstairs in the guest bedroom to give her privacy.

All she responded with was a grunt.

"Aw, baby's first hangover," he teased. "Come on, Spence. Get up. I've got ibuprofen and Gatorade waiting for you." He said, shaking the ibuprofen bottle in her ear.

"You're the worst," she sat up, snatching the pill bottle from his hands and fighting to open it since her eyes were only half open. He took it back and opened it for her, putting two pills into her hand.

"That isn't what you were saying last night," he smiled.

She put her hand to her face in embarrassment, remembering how she'd been so brazen and pulled him in to his room and attacked him. And then she remembered the second part of what had happened in this room. _Did I dream that he called me… pretty? That even Noel thinks I'm attractive? _She blushed at the thought, trying to push them out of her head.

"Can we not… I'm an idiot." She exhaled loudly and swallowed the two pills. "Everyone must think I'm a joke."

"You're not. It was…fun." He smirked. "I certainly can't complain. And I really don't think anyone else noticed."

"If my dad knows you didn't bring me home last night he is not going to like you anymore," she teased.

"What do you mean _if?"_

_"_It would not surprise me even a little bit if they had no idea I wasn't home." She swung her legs over the side of his bed, raking her hair out of her face and into a bun atop her head. She remembered all the times she "ran away" when she was a kid, only to be overrun with worry that she would get in trouble for not being in her room. When she'd arrive home, it was always as if no one had even known she left. This happened on at least three different occasions. If her parents didn't get worried when the eight year old left, she was pretty sure the 17 year old wouldn't be of concern, either.

"How would they forget their kid?" Toby squinted at her.

"Nevermind." She brushed it off. For now, he let her.

"Do you want breakfast?" He offered.

"No, thank you." She took a deep breath before standing from his bed.

"Hey, Toby… thank you for last night…" she paused for a moment with her eyes flickered down, and a smile sweeping across her face.

"What?" he smiled; she looked goofy.

"I think I made some _friends_ last night," she said softly, like if she said it too loudly she would be letting the Heavens know that they'd accidentally caused a disruption in the Universe and she didn't want it to be taken away quite yet. But there was also a sense of melancholia in her voice, as if she was waiting for the carpet to be pulled out from under her.

"You, Aria and Holden were getting along really well." Toby re-affirmed.

"Thank you for kidnapping me last night. I might even let you do it again, some time." She laughed. "I'm going to go home. Call me if you need to study before Tuesday." She said, grabbing her jacket from the hook on his wall and heading upstairs, trying to bite her lip to hide her smile.

xx

Tuesday soon came, and they were together in his bedroom once more. They had just finished studying, and were going to make-out for a bit. "I'll set the alarm," she started, but he put his hand over her phone.

"Let's talk a little," he smiled. "You've been all business today. You usually let me distract you at _least_ twice." He joked.

Truth was, she had been stressing out about how she was going to tutor Toby while juggling her own work and all of Ali's projects for the rest of the year. She wouldn't care if Ali hadn't brought Toby into this. Ali already had made Spencer's life Hell. Spencer wasn't afraid of being tortured. She tortured herself enough for everybody else. Nothing they could tell her would be anything she didn't already reprimand herself for. But Toby didn't deserve to suffer just because he had tried to help her. _He has a beautiful soul for what he's tried to do for me,_ she thought, smiling to herself at the word beautiful, remembering that once, he told her she was pretty. And for a night, she even believed him.

"Sorry, I'm just focused, I guess."

"Well why don't you tell me about your day." He prodded.

"I was just at school before I came home with you. That's it."

"I saw you with Alison at lunch." Toby had wanted to ask her all day. "I saw you with her yesterday, too."

"So?"

"Just seemed weird." He shrugged. He didn't trust Alison would come around to Spencer so quickly.

"She's making an effort, since Aria and I have become friends." The lie came quick and easy; she was good at lying from years of trying to convince her parents she was worth something.

"If she gives you a problem…tell me." Toby still wasn't sure what Ali had up her sleeve.

"Relax, Toby." She appreciated that she felt like he wanted to protect her. "Eleven minutes, right?" she asked, glancing over at the paper in his hands.

"Eleven minutes," he said, tickling her sides and pulling her up to him and meeting her lips with a smile.

xx

Spencer woke up in a contorted, fallen over pretzel position on her floor. She was surrounded by papers, including one that was stuck to her cheek. She peeled it off her skin and rubbed her eyes. She looked up at the clock on her wall. _ 4:24. Great. I fell asleep for at least four hours. Now I have to be up in two hours to get ready for school and I've gotten nowhere on Ali's paper, and mine is only ¾ of the way done. You're in deep shit, Spencer._ She groaned at the thoughts rushing through her head.

It had been just over month and three parties since she'd struck up a deal with the devil herself, Alison DiLaurentis. And three more parties where she schmoozed, made friends, learned her alcohol tolerance, and did all she could not to kiss Toby again out of context. And for those five weeks, she woke up many nights in this same manner, surrounded by homework that wasn't her own, covered in sweat and overwhelmed with worry. She was busier than ever, with Toby's frequent tutoring sessions, her newfound friendships and social life, and everything else that came along with senior year.

She went down to her kitchen to made a cup of coffee and nearly jumped out of her skin when she saw a tall, muscular figure standing in her way.

"I'm sorry, did I give you a fright?" Wren, her sister's fiancée, turned with a mug full of tea. They had arrived the night before and were staying for the week since they were doing construction in their new home, and it had no heat at the moment. Spencer had been so busy that she had forgotten.

"I just need coffee." She pushed past him.

"You look exhausted. Why are you up this early looking for caffeine? It's practically the middle of the night." Wren commented.

"Tea has caffeine too." She critiqued.

"It's herbal tea. It's meant to help me sleep. I took my pills too late this evening while I was trying to get some work done, and I'm having trouble sleeping.

"Pills? Are you alright?" She said taking out her favorite mug and the milk from the refrigerator. She actually liked Wren, once she had gotten to know him. She didn't know how her ended up with someone as cold as her sister. Melissa really hated that Wren and Spencer got along, which probably made Spencer like talking to Wren even more.

"Oh yeah, I'm fine. I just have a touch of an attention problem. I just need a low dose of something to help me focus. Been on it since before you were born, even, I'd be willing to bet." He sipped, casually.

"Oh," Spencer said, preparing her coffee. "I'm going to…just go upstairs. Goodnight." She ran upstairs, trying not to spill her coffee everywhere. She sat on her floor once more, pushing aside her papers and typing furiously on her laptop. She hit "enter" and brought her steaming mug up to her lips to take a long sip, although she was already more awake.

Spencer scrolled through pages and pages of Internet junk before Dr. Google gave her what she was looking for. "Adderall…" she mumbled, smiling to herself for figuring out what was keeping Wren up at night.

And she finally knew how to fix her problem.


	4. Unravelling

_A/N: Thank you to everyone keeping up with this story and reviewing! I honestly didn't love this story as much as other things I'm working on, but you guys kept me motivated and kept asking for updates, and now I'm obsessed with writing this story! Please keep reading and please keep reviewing if you want me to continue! _

_Also, __**trigger warning**__ for mention of self-harm towards the end of this chapter. Enjoy! _

The next morning, Spencer crept into Melissa and Wren's room after they'd both left for work and quietly looked through all of their stuff, with one specific goal in mind. She made faces when she stumbled upon Melissa's cosmetic box, which also houses an array of condoms and other sexual health products. She closed it quickly, completely grossed out of the thought of her sister and Wren doing it. But then she found it: their pharmaceuticals. She took about seven of the orange caplets, enough to use but not enough that he'd notice they were gone.

The first few days, it wasn't bad. She only popped one or two a day. It was great. She would do homework in the library after school, pop a pill, tutor Toby and play whatever game he was into that day (the pills were also good because they somehow increased her sexual energy, making their kissing sessions much more intense. He just chalked it up to what he thought was a newfound confidence in her), go home and deal with her family, pop another pill and work all night.

But when she ran out of the initial handful she'd taken from Wren, she quickly felt herself crashing. She found herself creeping into her sister's room once more, but this time while they were asleep. She very quietly took Wren's briefcase into the hallway, where she could afford to be a bit louder, and removed a blank prescription pad from the case. She ripped off a few pages and slid them into her pocket before returning the briefcase to her sister's room. She forged Wren's writing, and filled her prescription the first thing the next morning.

As the days went on, and the projects Ali was sending her were getting longer and longer, Spencer was taking more and more pills per day. She needed them to survive. Days turned to weeks, and weeks turned into another month and a half. Habits were solidified, and she was really addicted.

Spencer was sitting in Toby's room with a textbook cracked in her lap, quizzing him on theories from the swivel chair at his desk while he sat on the floor picking at the carpet, trying to stall. He'd noticed Spencer looked thinner, more tired and maybe even gaunt in the face due to the darker shadows under her eyes, but he just assumed she was wearing less makeup or something.

"Spencer if you don't stop swiveling and shaking your ankle I'm going to tie you to that chair. And I don't even mean that in the hot way." He couldn't focus. "I'm not making you coffee anymore," he announced. "You're making me jittery just looking at you."

"Sorry." She repositioned herself to be sitting pretzel style so it would be less evident that she was moving so much. Instead she was quickly butterflying her knees up and down, but at least that didn't make the same noise or movement of the chair that her ankle twitching had caused.

"You've been jumpy all week. Actually, you were like this last week too. Is everything okay?"

"I'm fine." She snapped. He had noticed she'd been actually acting very weird lately. He decided it was just the time of year where a lot of seniors were stressed. Also, girls are weird and he figured it was just beyond his masculine brain matter. "Anyway, you still haven't told me anything about the quadratic equation." She raised her eyebrows.

"Uhhhhmmm…" he flashed her a smile before taking the textbook from her to read up and memorize it before going back to the beginning of his key terms and starting all over.

When they were done, he sat on the edge of his bed and smiled at her. "Come here, you need to relax now. And I kicked ass today, so we're going to have a good time." He grinned like an idiot.

"Oh really," she smirked, her eyelids heavy. "I just need to go to the bathroom." She said, grabbing her purse and going into his bathroom, quickly dry-swallowing another pill; her third of the day at it wasn't even dinner time.

She emerged and he was standing by his desk, digging in his backpack for his phone charger.

"I set the alarm," he smiled, plugging in his phone, pulling her in by her belt loops; a trick he had actually gotten from her.

She smiled and pushed her lips against his. They stood there for a few minutes and kissed, before he guided her by her hips to his bed. He moved them a bit too fast, pulling her down, and suddenly she got dizzy and stopped kissing back, blinking furiously to regain clarity in her vision.

"You alright, champ?" he teased. "I'm fine," she said pushing her lips back into his, her hans finding their way up his shirt to caress his muscular middle. She'd been getting very handsy lately. He couldn't complain.

When they were finished, she got up to get her bag and follow him out, as he was driving her home since her car was getting the brakes replaced, when she stumbled once more.

"Woahhhh, steady, girl." He caught her before she could fall and let go only when he was sure she was balanced on her two feet. This wasn't the first time he had to do this in the past few weeks, either.

"I must be dehydrated. That's all," she offered. Truth was she couldn't tell you the last time she slept, and not only was she awake for days at a time, she would often forget to eat in the midst of running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Grab a bottle of water by the door on your way out." He said, following her up the stairs.

She did and went to his car. He drove her home with her hand on his thigh the whole ride, drawing circles on his leg. She really liked him. And now that she'd become friends with many of his friends via his parties that he insisted she come to, she was spending not just tutoring time with him, but much of her social time as well.

He pulled up in front of her house. "Are you going to need a ride to the movies tomorrow afternoon?" he squinted. Aria had wanted everyone to go to the movies and then out to dinner for a low-key birthday thing.

"Oh, right…"

"You still are coming, right?" He straightened up.

"Yeah..uhm, I'll text you if I need a ride. Probably not, though." Her head raced with all the things she'd thought she'd have all day to do tomorrow, but she now wouldn't be able to. "I gotta go inside, I can't miss family dinner." She lied, her parents wouldn't even be home. Her mother was spending the weekend in New Jersey taking care of her Nana, and her father was away on business in Syracuse for the whole week.

She quickly opened the car and jumped out the door, and he put the radio on in his truck, switching the stations until he got anything more than static before pulling away from her house. She ran up to her driveway to the gate around her back door, but she stopped in her tracks. She stood still again for a moment, trying to stop her vision from becoming spinny and fuzzy again. Only this time, blinking furiously didn't clear up the haziness that overcame her. Instead, she fell to the ground, and everything was black.

"Spencer!" Toby yelled, abruptly turning off his car and racing from the car to meet her where she'd collapsed in her driveway.

xx

The last thing she remembered before collapsing was the crippling anxiety of finishing her homework, as well as Ali's, before Aria's party tomorrow.

Now, she was in a hospital room hooked up to an IV drip-bag, and everything was hazy, but started to finally clear again as her eyes adjusted to the bright fluorescent lights. Toby was sitting next to her. He exhaled loudly as she sat up and opened her eyes.

"Spencer, you little shit," he punched her shoulder lightly. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"What are you doing here?"

"I _brought_ you here," he raised an eyebrow. "Don't you remember?"

"You didn't have to bring me _here. _Ali I needed was a glass of water," she barked.

"Spence… they had to give you an injection to slow down your heart rate. You're on that IV now so they can get your hydrated and nourished… you were in bad shape. Your body was running on fumes. They—" he was interrupted by a doctor coming into the room, respectfully asking Toby to wait outside.

The doctor was a psychologist, and wanted to talk to her about the amphetamines that came up in her bloodwork, which doctors had briefly mentioned before when Toby was still in the room.

She very calmly explained she had a prescription, and showed them the pill bottle with her name on it from her bag. She told them that with the stress of school recently, she'd accidentally taken more than one that day. They believed her.

Toby came back in. "Well?"

"I can go home once this drip ends and the nurse takes my vitals one more time." She said, sitting up.

Toby wanted to ask her about the amphetamines. He had heard that word before. He was pretty sure that was a pretty hard drug,.. speed, he was pretty sure. It made sense, her constant jittering. But the doctors didn't seem concerned she had a drug problem, so he let it go.

He drove her home within the next half hour, walking her inside since her parents weren't home and making sure she got in okay.

"I told you I was fine." She grumbled as he brought her up to her bedroom.

"You said that before you collapsed, too." He reminded her. Once he saw she was sitting in her bed, he stepped back. "Do you want me to get you dinner? I can make you a sandwich or bring you something from downstairs… or I can pick something up for you."

"I'm not hungry." She said, readjusting her pillows.

"Okay." He said, sitting on the beanbag chair near her bed.

"What are you doing?"

"Staying with you." He said, mindlessly picking up the issue of _Rolling Stone_ from her bedside table and thumbing through it.

"Why, though?" She narrowed her eyes.

"Because that's what friends do. Your parents aren't home, and if I leave and something happens, no one will be here to help you."

"You don't have to."

"Would you just let me sit here, who is this hurting?" he rationalized. She just grew silent.

"Thank you for taking me to the doctor. I shouldn't have yelled at you for doing that."

"Well I wasn't going to leave you in your driveway…" he laughed. She had hit her head kinda hard on the pavement and had three stitches to her cheek as well.

"Whatever," she smirked. "Give me my laptop. I need to do homework." She motioned over at her desk, but he didn't budge.

"No. You need to relax. You overworked yourself into the hospital. You're taking a day off."

"I don't have time for a day off!" She yelled.

"Well I'm not giving you the laptop." He said, picking it up and sliding it into his own backpack so she couldn't get it.

"You can't do that!"

"I just did…now shhhhhh… rest."

She groaned like a kid, but shut her eyes soon and slept for a few hours, now that the drug had been flushed from her system she could actually sleep. But she woke up cranky, withdrawing from the drug, needing to pop a pill but knowing she wouldn't get away with it while he was there.

He stayed the night with her, and insisted that she stay home from Aria's party. She was excited because that meant she could work on her homework without him trying to protect her, but he cancelled on Aria, too, to stay with her.

"You're ridiculous. I don't need a babysitter I'm 17 years old."

"I'm just being a friend." He reminded her.

"Well. Boo you." She squirmed, not knowing what to do with herself.

"Still jittery?" He squinted. "Spencer what is wrong with you? Still?"

He grabbed her wrist to try and stop her moving, and felt a raised marking over her inner forearm. He turned her wrist over and grazed over it softly with his thumb. Her face had lost all it's color, and she grew dead silent. After a moment, she finally came back into her own and pulled her arm from him.

"Just go to the party, okay"

"Spencer, what was that?"

"What was what?" She played dumb.

"On your arm. That scar."

"Nothing. It's od."

"It doesn't feel old." He said, remembering how raised and prickly it was.

_Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. _Spencer's brain rattled. "Leave." She said sternly.

He just looked at her with big, longing eyes.

"I said leave." She said again, forcefully. Her eyes were welling up. He didn't know what to do.

"Did you do that to yourself?" his eyes grew wider.

"I'm going to call the cops if you don't get out of my house right now." She felt her eyes start to spill over as she pointed to the door.

"I'll leave. After you tell me the story."

"What story?" Her eyes narrowed as she wiped away her tears as they flew down her cheeks.

"Your story." He said softly. She was so mesmerized by the gentleness of his voice that she'd failed to notice that he was now holding her hands.

"What do you want to know?" She didn't want to talk about the scar.

"Everything. I want to know your story." _What is that? Did she cut herself…on purpose? Is she depressed? Why didn't her parents come home when the doctor called them? Her mom is only in Jersey… her sister is nearby and she didn't come, either… what was the amphetamines from…why did she want me to pretend I was her boyfriend… why haven't you asked her to be your real girlfriend? _Toby's mind raced with all the questions he wanted to ask, but he wanted her to come to him on her own terms.

She sighed heavily. "First, will you make me some tea? And maybe a little toast?" She pleaded. He just grinned, happy to be of use, finally.

"I'll be back in a few." He ran downstairs. She got up and changed into a long sleeved sweater while he was gone, and removed her laptop from his backpack. She quickly emailed Alison telling her that she wouldn't have a draft for her until tomorrow the very earliest, but it was okay because the full paper wasn't due for another five days – all Ali would need to do was bullshit a rough draft or outline to hand in for peer review. She closed her laptop with a heavy sigh just as Toby came back with a steaming mug. "I didn't know if you wanted butter on your toast or not, so I put a little oo the side of the plate, and I didn't know how you take your tea, so I just put a little honey. I hope that's—" he cut himself off when he saw the laptop on her bed. "Spence, Please, just one weekend. Relax."

"I just needed to send an email." She handed it back to him. She sat up against her wall so she could sit up and sip her tea. Toby moved to sit across from her on her bed, very lightly grazing her ankle with his thumb trying to soothe her. He could still see the stress in her eyes.

"I want to hear your story," he called again.

"Everything?" She repeated his request.

"Uhm, well what about your family?"

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, she scoffed and laughed a bit. He was taken aback by her response.

"My parents are not really my biggest fans, I'll start there. First of all, they really wanted the perfect American family – two kids, a boy and a girl, a big house with a white fence, and lots of disposable income. They got all of it – except they got a second daughter instead of a son. I guess that's really where the trouble started… Did you ever know my sister, Melissa? She was a senior when we were freshmen."

"Vaguely. She was super involved so it was hard not to…right?"

"Right. She fit into all these boxes of pretty, and popular, and beautiful, and heartbreaking, and the kid of flirt that my dad could bring on lunch meetings for potential clients because she could help him get those gross old guys to sign contracts… and she did everything the way my parents wanted. She's the golden child… so when they realized I… wasn't Melissa," her voice cracked a little. "When they realized that I wasn't her, I wasn't good at flirting or sports, I didn't have her light, pretty features or her confidence,.. they just couldn't accept that. If I did anything in a way Melissa didn't, it was wrong. Still Is that way, really. And I saw how much it broke their hearts when I would come home as a little girl crying over a bully, because Hastings are supposed to be powerful and envied, not bullied… I realized that when I was still a baby… maybe 8 years old. So I stopped telling them when bad stuff happened. I made up whatever I had to to make them think that I was like Melissa so they might be proud of me, or at least happy. I'm kind of a perfectionist…the one thing I did inherit was that trait… and it's hard to stomach disappointing them so greatly so often,"

She found herself talking and opening up much more than she ever would have otherwise, but she was tired and vulnerable, and the way he stroked her back while she talked and made her feel that he was really _listening_ changed everything. She became more open.

"Sometimes, I think they knew I was lying about stuff. That's why they never acted proud of me for doing a lot of the same stuff Melissa did…because they knew I really wasn't… But at least they knew I was trying," she wiped back a few stray tears she hadn't even felt fall until the wetness tickled her face when a breeze came from her window. _God, you're so pathetic. Stop talking to him. Stop telling him all of this._ She yelled internally, but when she looked up, he was so intently listening, hanging on her last word and waiting for her to continue.

"It was never really all that important to me to be the best or to be pretty or the smartest, ya know? But I just needed them to think I was worth something. That I could be enough. Even if no one else thought it, because I know that this is just high school, and one day I might be something different to someone." She wasn't even sad when she said it, but the words cut through him and broke his heart a little bit.

"So, that's why you wanted me…to pretend." He swallowed hard, never realizing how deep this was. It wasn't about having a guy to go to to escape the scrutiny so often felt of older relatives asking "so who are you dating?" He swallowed hard again, feeling a lump in his throat he couldn't shake. "You wanted them to think you were like Melissa? Why would I make them more proud of you?"

"Because for once I would be normal." She said quietly. "I believed that if they saw me with somebody that presumably thought that I was…_enough_…that they might believe it too. I know it's stupid, but—"

"You are enough." He interrupted her. "You exist. I mean, that's enough. There's no other credential for being enough than just simply being.." he tried to make sense of her feelings.

"Tell me you feel the same way when you've just been shoved into a locker for the second time before lunchtime." Her words reached him coldly and without emotion.

"I'm sorry…they're jerks…WE're jerks," he emphasized, realizing he was one apart of that torture. He reached over and squeezed her hand. She sniffled a little.

He turned over her wrist again. "Can you tell me about this now…please?"

She turned away from him.

"I just want to know if you…why you hurt yourself."

She didn't look up. She didn't want him to make fun of the emo girl who couldn't appreciate her privileged life with a wealthy family and everything she needed. She wanted to disappear.

But when she looked up, she saw his eyes swollen, as if he wanted to cry. She didn't say a word, but he pulled her arm to his lips and laid a line of soft, light kisses across the singular line of raised flesh.

"I did it when I was in middle school," she finally started, his lips still on her wrist. "When I realized my parents were embarrassed of me and didn't tell their friends about me like they bragged about my sister…" she trailed off. "But I stopped…That's when I learned about the lying. It worked so I stopped. I was stressed and overtired the other day and I opened up an old scar. I didn't mean to, I was just so out of it…" she didn't tell him it was because she was so upset and so high on Adderall that she didn't even remember bringing the razor to her skin, all she remembered was the bottom of the shower turning pink.

"You were just tired?" he raised an eyebrow.

"I didn't know what I was doing."

_She was on drugs,_ he thought, but he didn't bring it up. He had brought up enough emotional turmoil for her for one day, and he could see her embarrassed and pink-cheeked.

"Well…next time," he started slow. "If you ever feel like you're stressed and you might…hurt yourself…or take something, or do something you would regret, or would make me sad…." He spoke quickly when he said the part about taking something, hoping she would get the hint that he knew and wanted her to stop, but not slow enough for her to interject and defend herself and lie to him. "Please come find me. You're really much better than that, Spencer."

He spoke slow, as to not upset her. He maintained eye contact the whole time he spoke. He was really very good at getting her to be calm. She leaned forward, letting herself fall into his arms, and just wrapped her arms around his neck. She didn't say a single word, and he kept their silence, too.

They sat like that until she fell asleep, and he tucked her in, once again retreating to her bean bag to watch her sleep.

_I hadn't realized that the bullying that was killing her wasn't the names at school…It was her own parents. The torture didn't end when she left school, but it only just began when she turned the keys to her front door and came home to a mommy and daddy who made her think they didn't want her there. _He wanted to cry for her. _She doesn't deserve that._

xx

Alison checked her email, delighted to see that Spencer had actually sent her something early. But when she opened it to see no document attached, she was furious. She had no patience for this. If Spencer wasn't going to follow her rules, she was going to ruin her. She logged into her computer, trying to concoct just the right form of blackmail to hurt both Spencer, and as promised, her ex boyfriend Toby Cavanaugh.

xx

Toby didn't know what to do. As he watched her sleep, he worried about her. He worried that she would hurt herself again. He worried that she would take more pills. He dug around in her room until he found the orange child-proof confidence she'd stowed away in her purse. He pocketed it, hoping to keep it away from her.

Not knowing what to do, he texting his friend Caleb, who was the only one of his friends in a committed relationship, and therefore understood girls the best. He also had a rough past in the foster system and had seen his fair share of stuff, so Toby thought he might have some insight.

He texted Caleb telling him Spencer's story, of course the abridged version that let out much fewer personal details. He told him that he was worried about her and the drugs, and that he was afraid to tell her that he liked her, because he wanted her to know she had a friend, and he was afraid to ruin that.

_I thought you were already hooking up with her, man. _Caleb responded to the relationship part, after warning Toby about Spencer's probable withdrawal symptoms within the next few weeks.

_It's complicated. She wanted her parents to think she was dating someone to get them off her back, and I wanted her to tutor me but she didn't want to – so we made the deal that she'd tutor me if I pretended to be her boyfriend. So we hook up during tutoring sessions, but that's all. It's not real. But we're friends. Good friends._ Toby added.

_You have to let her know the deal is off, and then start from scratch._ Caleb suggested.

_I'll think about it. She's waking up now and I think she needs to eat. I'll see you Monday._ Toby finished.

xx

Alison smiled, delighted with herself and her creativity when it came to this kind of thing. _Revenge. _Alison smiled at her computer screen again as she looked at what she'd found. All she'd had to do was conjured up some old passwords from the back of her brain, and _BAM, _she'd found her weapon of choice. And _oh_, was it **good.**


	5. Someone To Protect

_A/N: Thank you to everyone keeping up with this story and reviewing! To guest: I will publish this on Wattpad myself because I do actually have an account there, too. I'd rather share it myself! Link is: story/25500068-pretend_

Spencer opened her eyes slowly, everything a bit blurry around the edges. She hadn't slept in so long, and now that she was, it was for brief periods of only an hour or so at a time. She felt like her universe was a bit diluted, not sure of what was real and what was in her drug-enhanced imagination.

_Toby. _She looked over to see the young athlete scrolling on his phone. She couldn't believe that he'd stayed here with her overnight. And then she sat up quickly in a panic, as if she could reel back in all of her stories if she moved quickly enough. She put a hand to her face, as she got dizzy from moving too quickly. She groaned softly with regret, mostly from her movement, but also because of her big, fat mouth.

"Hey champ," Toby smiled at Spencer. "What do you say you finally eat some dinner? My treat. We can order takeout. I'm starving."

Spencer just made a pained face. _You told him all your secrets._ She recalled their earlier conversation. She had been so tired and vulnerable that she threw all caution to the wind in sharing the quiet things no one ever knew, the demons that used her brain and body as a playground. _He knows about the scar. He knows that you aren't happy. God, Spencer. They're right, you always screw things up. Why am I always dragging others into my misery and making everything worse for everyone around me? _She silently shamed herself for letting Toby close to her. _I wish I'd never struck a deal with this stupid boy. How have you not realized you're so much better off on your own?_ She looked up at him again; he looked so enthusiastic. She just bit her lip. _You shouldn't have let him in, because it's going to hurt more when this is all over,_ she thought, knowing that that day would come soon – especially since he probably thought she was crazy now. _Now he knows that you really are Freak Hastings._

"Spence…?" He called again, not sure what she was doing or if she'd heard him, she seemed out of it.

"Huh?" She looked at him confused before his request registered. "Oh, uhm. No, I'm not ready to eat. But you should go home. Go eat and sleep in your own bed. That chair could not have been comfortable." She ignored the part of her that wanted to crawl into a ball in his arms, like a sick child clinging to their parent in the middle of the night.

"Spencer…" he extended his hand, rubbing small circles on her thigh. "I'm not leaving until I know that you're okay."

_Why is he being so nice to me? Why can't he just walk away, doesn't he know that I'm no good? … I wish he would kiss me right now. I think that that would make everything better. _Spencer's thoughts were derailed by his touch.

"When are your parents coming home, anyway?" He interrupted her thoughts.

"Uhm, I think my mom is coming back from my Nana's tomorrow, but she's going straight to New York for some client. My dad will be home on Friday."

"Are they always gone for so long?" Toby's eyes narrowed.

"Just about every weekend, at least…" she nodded.

"It must get lonely here. This is a big house."

"I like to be alone," she said softly, hoping he would get the hint and leave.

"No one likes to be alone." He retorted.

"I really do." Spencer cocked her head to the side, annoyed that he was breaking down all of her walls.

"I think you're just scared of something."

_I'm scared of disappointing you,_ she thought. To everyone else, she was a major disappointment. A _freak. _But he needed her – he thought she was smart enough to tutor him, pretty enough to kiss, and worthy enough to take care of. To _save. _

"I think you're just hungry and not thinking straight." She murmured. "Takeout menus are in the drawer next to the phone downstairs. If you order something, I'll try to eat." She bargained with him, hoping to get some time alone if she kept him busy.

"I'll be back in a little while." He tousled her hair. "Don't get in any trouble." He winked and left to call in an order, and then go pick it up.

It was becoming increasingly apparent to her that she had gotten herself attached to this light-haired, starry eyed, too-good-to-be-true boy. Moreover, the attention he gave her. When she spoke, he gave his full attention, as if he believed what she was saying would change the world. And when he looked at her, there wasn't an emptiness looming behind his eyes, searching for something inside of her that she just couldn't produce, no matter how much she longed to be more than herself. He told her that just by breathing, she was enough. Though she thought that was a bit naïve, it made her feel warm. It gave her hope. She smiled at the thought of him; the warmth of his fingers leaving trails of fire across her skin.

_False hope, _she interrupted her own dreamy thoughts. He saw the ugly side of her she wanted to keep hidden from the world, and there wasn't any coming back from that. Once she was back on her feet, she was sure he would leave. She wouldn't admit it, but she needed him, maybe even more than he needed her to graduate. She needed him to keep her from falling down the dark hole of darkness she'd only recently escaped.

He came back, and she couldn't help but grin. He brought her soup and a sandwich, and some hot tea as well. He got himself a burger and fries. "If you eat up, I put ice cream in the freezer downstairs," he bribed her like a child, smiling.

She just smiled and picked at her food. "If you insist on staying tonight," she tried to sound annoyed at the prospect. "You can stay in my bed with me," she offered, before she could fully catch herself. She turned pink when he smiled. "Or the guest bedroom, if that's' more comfortable…but you really can go home."

"I think I'll stay." He smiled warmly. _She looks so small when she's balled up in her bed like that. I still want to know about the pills. It's probably the intense pressure she feels from her mom and dad… _He looked to her to make sure she was eating, and was happy to see her ripping bread from the sides of her sandwich and dipping into her soup broth. She smiled a little when she caught him looking. _Has she always looked so sad, even when she smiled? _He furrowed his eyebrows, worried that all this time he thought he was helping her, she was actually not happy at all. Her smiles were like little lies.

They sat in silence for a while. He cleaned up from dinner and changed into the sweats he had in his gym back in the car to use as pajamas. She moved over to let him slide into bed with her.

In the darkness, where he couldn't see her eyes, she finally piped up. "I don't hate having you here as much as I pretended I did," she said softly.

"I know," he responded back.

"Toby?" she rolled to face him, after a long pause of taking in his words.

"Yeah?" he searched the darkness for her eyes.

"Could you hold me?" Her voice cracked.

Her face sunk when she didn't hear a response, figuring she'd asked too much.

"Well…come here," he laughed a little, his arms open to embrace her. She latched to him like a magnetic force pulled her chest to his.

"Toby?" she murmured again, her voice vulnerable. She didn't want for a response this time before she started her next request. "Could you hold me…tighter?" She asked, wrestling her feet with his and as he pulled her in closer, draping her leg over his hip, trying to eliminate all the empty space between them, as if it would cure the voids inside of her.

"Toby…" she murmured one last time, after about fifteen minutes. "Can I have a kiss goodnight?" She said it meekly.

He didn't hesitate at all to press his lips very gently into hers "Goodnight, Spencer…" he cradled her face, and soon felt his fingertips become moist. She was crying.

He didn't ask why she was crying. He didn't pretend he knew, either. But his heart had been breaking for the fragile girl he'd been falling for ever since he picked her up in her driveway and realized that he was the only one who saw that she needed picking up in the first place. She was a broken shell of a person and it seemed that no one else could see it.

Instead, he kissed her eyelids and her cheeks, catching the tears as they slipped out when his lips. She clung to him like a baby koala, digging into his back as if she could crawl inside of him and be safe from her mind.

He kissed her face long after the tears stopped. He kissed her head and rocked her, saying "I know, I know," over and over again. He never could know everything, but he wanted her to know that he saw past her lies. He saw all the pieces she couldn't fit back together.

_"__What is simple by the moonlight, by the morning never is…"_

xx

The next morning, Spencer peeled herself out of Toby's arms to shower. She felt embarrassed of the way she'd let herself go again. She couldn't explain her innate need to consume and be consumed by all of him. He made her feel.

When she came out, he wrapped his arms around her tight, kissing her forehead. "Thank you for letting me hold you last night." He squeezed her. "I know you don't like to let me help you. But Spencer, if you let me in…I can try to help you."

She leaned into his arms for a moment, before pulling away. "I'm getting you wet…"

"What?" He pulled back.

"My hair…is still dripping." She said, picking up her towel from her chair and rubbing her hair down.

"Also… you're welcome," she muttered below her breath, pushing past him.

xx

He had come over every day after school and practice to check in on her, since her parents weren't home.

On Thursday, her mother had finally arrived home. When he knocked on her door, Spencer was in the shower, but Veronica opened the door.

"Toby, she's in the shower. You can wait if you want upstairs." Veronica was clearly in the middle of a million things. She hadn't even said hello.

"I, uhm, I was actually hoping to talk to you, now that I've caught you. How was your trip?"

"Fine, thanks… What do you need?" She sounded impatient.

"I wanted to talk to you about Spencer."

"Oh God, is she pregnant? I knew she wasn't responsible enough to—"

Toby cut her off. "We're not…she's not pregnant." He almost blushed, but part of him was sad that her mother didn't trust her. "The doctor called you from the hospital last weekend when you were away and left a message… I called you as well when we got back here. Did you get our messages? I stayed to take care of her as long as I could, but I thought maybe you should talk to her. She won't tell anyone about why there was so much amphetamines in her blood… I think she might need your help."

"I got them. I don't have time to deal with this. If she insists on ruining her life, she could at least try to do so without tarnishing our reputation. I already did damage control, so thankfully no one who matters should know about Spencer's little…habit."

"It's not about who knows…"

Veronica cut him off. "It's a small town, honey. People talk. You better talk to her yourself if you don't want her problem to be publicized as your dirty laundry."

"Mrs. Hastings… I think she needs your help. I just thought you might be concerned your daughter was in the hospital…

"It wasn't necessary," Veronica re-applied her lipstick while holding a compact in front of her. "If you think she needs a counselor, we'll pay for it, but frankly I don't see the need in involving anybody else in this. It's too risky."

Toby was fuming, but he didn't want to cause a scene. "Aren't you concerned with why she might have done it? Taken a drug? I think she might have done it… so she could do well, for you and Mr. Hastings. She talks a lot about that…" Toby felt like he was going against Spencer's trust, but he truly thought he could help her. Maybe she just wasn't vocal with her parents.

"She shouldn't need any help to do well." She said bluntly, and completely missing Toby's point. "Gosh, I trusted her with you. I thought she was past this – she used to do crazy things for attention," Veronica started. "I thought it was a phase, but apparently Spencer can't handle anything not going her way. Just give it time. Buy her a present or something if you want to expedite the process."

_She must be talking about how Spencer used to…_ he couldn't bring himself to finish the thought, he was afraid to conjure the image in his head of Spencer deliberately hurting herself, and then being told it was for attention, making her feel worse. Toby was fuming. She was describing a completely different girl than the one he'd cradled every night for the past week, because she couldn't face the darkness of her room without crying. Crying because she needed the drugs, crying because she hated herself, crying because she wanted him.

"I have to go," Veronica started again. "Don't stay too late. Spencer needs to catch up on all of her work she missed."

"I don't think you really know your daughter at all." He pushed past her up the stairs.

When he got into her room, Spencer was working on her laptop on her bed. Toby came behind her and sat with her against his chest between his legs.

"What are you…" she started.

"Shhhh, I'm sorry…I'm so sorry," he whispered into her ear, biting at it, and playing with her hair. He let her work. What he didn't know was that she was doing Ali's work before her own. She was drinking several cups of coffee to try and mimic the effects of the Adderall.

He didn't tell her about the horrible things her mother said about her. About how her mother didn't care. Instead, he held her extra tight, hoping that he could give her some of what he thought her mom should be.

"I'm proud of you," he whispered again. He didn't mention the drugs, or how she could work without it. He just thought she should know.

xx

Spencer had spent a few days at home, but now was back at school. She met Alison before class. "I'm sorry, I was...really sick," Spencer bit her lip. "I sent you everything due so far,"

"We had a deal. You didn't deliver on time." Alison slammed her locker. She sounded angry, but a smile swept across her face. She knew Spencer's secret.

"I was sick… but it's all good now, and I'll be on track the rest of the term." She tried to sound like she wasn't desperate. "I have to go to class, but email me if you need anything else…" Spencer turned quickly to leave.

"Not so fast…what's the rush, Spencer? _Speeding_ off to see your little boy crush?" Ali's lips curled into an evil smirk.

This was just part one of her plan. To get her information, she had recalled Toby's AppleID settings and set up his iMessaging account on her tablet, so every text he sent or received (to/from another iPhone), she got. And she was following his conversation with Caleb about Spencer. At first, she was just going to expose Spencer's little habit to teachers and get her in trouble. But then she got the dirt that Toby and her had a secret deal, and Toby was using her. How pathetic. But now he liked her, and Ali was jealous. She wanted to embarrass Spencer and rip the couple apart, so she could have Toby back.

Spencer felt chills down her whole spine. _How did she know?_ She gulped, panicking. She turned slowly.

"You know, if Toby gets associated with that stuff, he could be kicked off the team."

"It was just—"

"Why do you want to hurt him so badly?"

"I don't! You seem to be the one out to get him."

"Oh honey, I've _had_ him," Ali licked her lips and raised her eyebrows. Spencer was a bit disgusted. "I want the rest of my assignments early. So I don't get stuck at the last minute. Again." She said harshly.

"I'm going as quickly as I can," Spencer pleaded.

"Come on, be a little more _speedy, _Spencer."

"I'm not doing that – look I'll try but I can't…" Spencer was obviously distracted when Toby walked by. It made Ali's blood boil that Toby actually _cared_ about this loser.

"If you can't do that, then I have another proposition for you… if you want to protect your secrets… and Toby."

"What do you want?" Spencer crossed her arms.

"If you want to protect Toby. You have to remove yourself from that group. Find him a new tutor. Stop seeing him."

_But I need him, _Spencer panicked. _ I don't know how to breathe without him anymore._


	6. Forced Clarity

"Well, what's it going to be, _Freak?" _Ali impatiently tapped her foot and uncrossed her arms from her chest to put on her hips.

"I…I…uh," Spencer stumbled over her words. All she could think about was that sandy-haired athlete and his calloused fingers brushing against various pockets of her bare skin. The magnetics in their lips. "I need some time…to decide. If I need to find a new tutor, it could take a bit. You know?" Spencer shook in her boots. She hoped that Ali would buy that. She just needed time.

"Fine, you have a week. But I want my history paper on Wednesday instead of Friday."

"Deal." Spencer shook her head rapidly, like a bobblehead doll. She exhaled loudly once Ali had walked away, feeling relieved that she had bought some time. She felt relief as she walked through the hallways; this was probably one of the first times she felt so safe and sure in this building. That is, until she reached her locker to see Aria and Toby both waiting for her.

"Why haven't we hung out in forever?!" The petite brunette flung her arms around Spencer. "Please say you'll come to the mall tonight with me to pick out something to wear for Holden's mom's wedding? Puh-leeeeese?"

"Uhm, yeah, sounds like fun." Spencer dropped her bag between her feet to free her hands as she unlocked her locker. She sounded like she was somewhere else. _Spencer, you are so greedy. Toby has been nothing but amazing to you and has taught you so much. He's put up with so much. It's the absolute least you can do to protect him from Ali's blackmail. Yes, it's nice to have friends, but it's nicer to protect the people you care about. You knew this had to end sometime. Man up, Hastings._ The angry voice in her head sounded a bit too much like her father, she thought.

"Uhm, wait – Spencer, isn't tonight that dinner we have to go to? The one at the club with your sister and parents?"

"Oh, shit." She mumbled as she dropped a folder on the floor, papers flying everywhere. Aria and Toby both bent to help her pick them all up.

"Thanks," she blushed and took the sheets of paper from her friends. "You're right, I forgot… well, if we go after school fast, I can help you if you help me find an outfit to wear to this thing with my family – but I can only go for an hour. Maybe an hour anf a half, tops."

"Sounds good! I'll meet you here after last period," Aria smiled. The bell rang and she ran off, catching Hanna and Emily on the way to their first class. Toby stuck behind with Spencer.

"You're going to be late to class," Spencer said, shutting her locker and trying to organize the stack in her arms.

Toby took her books and straightened them out for her. She sighed. "Thank you," she mumbled.

"I just want to make sure you're okay. You seemed frazzled."

"I'm fine. I'd be better if you weren't missing Chemistry for me… I don't have time to tutor you in that too." She stuck out her tongue.

"Pick something sexy for tonight," he raised his eyebrows and stuck his tongue out back as he jogged down the hallway to his class.

_I'm so going to miss this._ Spencer sighed before moping off to AP French.

xx

Spencer and Aria were schlepping through racks upon racks of sale dresses at Nordstrom. Spencer had taken out a navy blue dress with a white collar and thin white stripes, gradually getting thicker around the hem. She held it out in front of her to inspect it, imagining herself in it – or rather, what her mother would find wrong with it.

"So give me all the dirty details about you and Toby." Aria gushed, pulling the dress from Spencer slightly so Aria could see her face. "Also, you should go for something a little less preppy. I like your edge; you should show it off." Aria smiled.

"My parents don't appreciate my edge; they call it an attitude." Spencer laughed, putting the dress back on the rack.

"Toby," Aria said again. "Are you guys in _loOooOooOve?" _Aria sang.

Spencer just laughed. "We're just friends, Aria. I tutor him. That's all."

"Oh come on, don't be shy! I saw you two kissing in the library last week," Aria smiled devilishly. "Besides, you're literally all he talks about. He was so worried about you when you were out sick. Even Hanna was nearly gagging, and she's the Queen of relationship talk."

Spencer blushed, giving Aria all the confirmation she needed.

"Oh, how cute. Toby totally needed someone down-to-Earth after Ali. He's been such a bad boy and totally serial-dated half our class since Grade 8. This is good for him. Eeeeek, graduation is coming up. Please tell me you're staying together!"

"Aria." Spencer stopped her. "We're just friends. Really. We kissed, but… it was just a… a game." Spencer tried to figure out how to explain it without sounding super pathetic.

"Oooooh, so like you guys are just doing it?" Aria's eyes widened and her lips curled into a smile. "Spencer, I never pegged you for being so wild! I love it!" She hit Spencer's shoulder before immediately pushing past her to pick up a pale peachy-pink colored dress with a gold metal belt attached at the waist. It was a slim fit, up until it slightly billowed out after the waist in a flowy, Grecian goddess, airy kind of way. She held it up in front of Spencer. "This is it." Aria nodded.

"We're not… _doing it._ He's my friend, Aria. My_ best_ friend." Her lips couldn't help but form a smile when she said that. She'd never been able to say that about anybody before. She could almost taste the smile in her mouth, as if that was really even a thing. "Take it for what it is." She finished, and then took the hanger from Aria to inspect the dress. "Besides, you're the one hooking up with Noel when you and Holden totally belong together."

Aria blushed. "Well I guess we both have the same problem,"

"What's that?" Spencer cocked her head.

"We both can't admit to ourselves how hard we've fallen for our best friends." Aria shrugged and moved to another rack across the way. Spencer just shook her head, and again inspected the dress Aria had handed her. Maybe she was right – about more than one thing.

xx

Spencer was supposed to meet her family at the Country Club since her parents would both be coming straight from work. Toby was sitting on her bed watching her obsess over the way the fabric rested across her stomach and the way the cuffs in her cardigan sleeves lined up against one another. "This dress is too short, I look ridiculous." She went in her closet to change, but he went in after her.

"You look fine. Besides, it's just dinner with your family. Come on; let's get going. It'll be worse if we're late."

She sighed. He was always right. She hated that. "Fine. But I'll bet you anything my mother will hate the way I look."

"It won't change the fact that your legs are crazy in that dress," she just made a face at him. Her long legs seemed not to end under the hem of her dress, and the pale pink only made her olive complexion look tanner.

They arrived at just about the same time as Wren and Melissa. "We would have been here sooner, but the ceiling is leaking in our house now. I swear, we fix one thing, two more break. It's the freakin' money pit."

"It's nothing that can't be fixed. Come and stay by us tonight, instead of going all the way back to Philly just to deal with a mess," Peter offered.

"Thanks, Daddy." Melissa smiled. "We'll decide later on."

Spencer and Toby just settled in, Spencer was clearly halfway holding her breath. Toby just ran his thumb over her knee, trying to calm her down.

Their drink orders arrived at the table, her entire family drinking alcohol except her. This never ended well. "So, how about a game of high-low?" Peter smirked.

"Dad, do we have to?" Spencer never complained or talked back, but with Toby here she was embarrassed.

"Spencer, don't get upset already – it's all just good fun." Veronica raised an eyebrow.

"What's high-low?" Toby whispered in her ear.

"You'll see," Spencer exhaled, leaning a bit into Toby for comfort as he put his arm around her chair.

The Hastings' went around talking about won court cases, of course against all odds, Wren talked about saving patients, again against all odds. They were all so gleeful in each others' achievements.

And then it was Spencer's turn. "Well, I've started to get some college letters back. I've got a scholarship to Fordham in New York… they've got a wonderful law school, right in Lincoln Center." Her eyes were actually excited.

"Melissa was offered a full-ride there, wasn't she?" Peter looked at his other daughter.

"Yeah, it just wasn't ranked high enough. Only 50 in the nation." Melissa rolled her eyes, darting them at Spencer.

"Have you got anything else, Spencer?" Veronica raised an eyebrow.

"Well, at the studio," she started nervously, knowing her parents didn't really like her dancing – it wasn't academic or competitive in their sense of the word – so didn't being upward mobility, and therefore was useless. "it's my senior year, and I've dedicated a lot of time there, so I'm getting to choreograph an entire showcase, actually. It'll go up in June. I'll have a solo, too."

"Honey, we're talking about _real achievements, _not some silly song and dance." Peter turned his attention back to Melissa.

"Perhaps you have more news about colleges?" Wren offered. She smiled a bit. She liked him; he was much nicer than her sister.

" Well…I'm still waiting, but I've got a good feeling about UPenn." UPenn was where her sister and her parents had all gone.

"But she was waitlisted at Cornell and at Yale," Veronica interjected. "So I wouldn't be so sure. Besides, I'm starting to think you might want to set your sights on something less vigorous, Spencer. You're weaker in your abilities than your sister."

Spencer felt like her heart could fall through her stomach. She didn't even respond.

"What about you, boy?" Peter nodded towards Toby.

"I'll probably end up at Dartmouth, or USC. Both colleges were scouting me during the season. I'm looking to play college ball…but, if you—" he wanted to stop them from making fun of Spencer. She was the smartest person he knew. Moreover, her achievements shouldn't be subject to laughter or negative commentary. She tried so hard.

"Excellent schools," Veronica commented.

"You're a football player? Like, a good one? And you're dating my sister?" Melissa laughed. "When I was at Rosewood High, the football players only dated the pretty girls. I guess a lot has changed,"

Toby waited for one of her parents to reprimand Melissa for her childish behavior, but Veronica actually laughed alongside Melissa. He felt Spencer sulk in her seat.

"Where did you get that dress, Spencer? That color is awful. You'd be so much prettier if you dressed more like Melissa."

"I think Spencer looks beautiful tonight," Toby squeezed her shoulder, looking her family in the eyes.

Veronica made a look of disgust. Once their food came, the chatter didn't get much better. When they weren't ignoring Spencer, they were commenting on her hair, her grades, and her, according to them, non-existent future.

"Excuse me a minute?" Spencer said, pushing out her chair and walking to the restrooms. When she was gone for more than a few minutes, Toby took it upon himself to check on her, although her family didn't seem to notice her absence.

"Spencer," he knocked on the door. "Come on out, please" He could hear her sobbing.

She was silent for a while, but came out finally, her cheeks and eyes red, her lip still threatening to tremble.

"Come here," he pulled her into a hug, his large form enveloping her thin one almost completely as he bent around her to comfort all of her.

"I'm sorry I brought you to this awful dinner." She started to sob into his shirt.

"Spencer – the way your family is acting is…completely unacceptable. Do you hear me? You are so smart and so pretty and it doesn't matter what anyone in there thinks. Promise me that you're hearing me…that you know that."

"I hear you," she pulled away, wiping her face. "I just wish they cared, just a little more about me, and a little less about her."

"Me too." _You have no idea._ He thought. After his last encounter with Veronica, he wanted nothing more than to kidnap Spencer away from that nightmare.

"Go to the car," he said, giving her his keys. "I'll be there soon."

"But-"

"We're leaving. You hear?" He said it firmly.

She nodded and left, and he turned to the table. "Spencer actually isn't feeling well, I'm going to take her home. Thank you for dinner." Toby tried to be polite through his teeth.

"Of course she's not. Okay, we'll see you at home." Veronica sat back, wiping her face with the napkin.

Toby took all his energy into not screaming. "You know, she might be doing a little better if you treated her like she was part of this family."

"I think you'd better go, Toby." Veronica shot back, coldly.

Toby decided to be the bigger person and leave. He met Spencer in his car, enveloping her once more. "You are so beautiful," he mumbled again. "You are so smart and so kind and I'm not sure how you're related to them at all."

"Thank you," was all she could bare to mutter. Because if she tried to say more, she might spill her guts. She wanted him more than anything else she'd ever wanted in the whole world. She stopped caring about being popular, or having friends, and after tonight – she cared so much less about performing for her parents. She only wanted him.

xx

They got home, and Spencer made them tea and sat in the kitchen with him.

"Why didn't you tell me about your scholarship? That's so great. Fordham Law is a great school, don't listen to your sister."

"I don't really want to go there, anyway," she stirred her tea, looking down.

"Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know, honestly. My mom and dad policed me into looking at schools with good pre-law programs or law schools affiliated. But that isn't want I want."

"You have to do what you want, Spencer."

"I want to open my own dance studio." She said it softly. It was the first time she'd allowed herself to say it, or even fully imagine it.

"I knew you went to ballet class sometimes, but I never knew you were…good. Or so dedicated. That's awesome, Spence."

"My mom put me in when I was three, because soccer was reallyyyy not my thing," she laughed. "I was supposed to outgrow it for a sport or something competitive – something I could win at. Hastings love to be the best. But I never got athletic. I just loved to dance. Not just ballet – all of it. Tap is my favorite, actually." She found herself talking fast, she was excited. She never got to share what was going on at dance, since her parents hated it so much.

"I'd love to come to your showcase," he put his hand on her leg.

"It's not for a while…" _We won't be together anymore by then. You'll have forgotten about me by then. I don't want that to happen. I need to figure out how to keep you._

"Well give me a reminder closer to it." He smiled. _She's always surprising me. And impressing me. She's so strong, to deal with this at home. She's so brave. I hope she gets everything that makes her happy when she finally leaves this dump._

She leaned in and kissed him once, without even thinking about it. She then felt her shoulders cave in a little, retreating back inside herself. _Why did you do that? How did you even have the courage to do that? You've never initiated that...well, not sober. He's done it once or twice before...that makes it okay, right? Ugh, stupid. He just makes me feel... like a light. Like when we kiss, there's only light and no dark. Hmmmmmm._

"What was that for?" he laughed.

She just shrugged, trying not to show the panic in her mind. She was saved from answering by the noise of keys in the door and she rushed him upstairs, not wanting to deal with her parents. They snuggled in bed, and he fell asleep quickly. She however stayed up doing homework – Ali's. She'd fallen behind on her own.

She heard Wren and Melissa come in for coffee with her parents, and they were staying over after all. Spencer snuck into the guest room once more to steal Wren's prescription pad, or just a few pills – whatever she could find first. She knew she had to be smarter about it this time, but this might be the only way she could be with Toby.

"What are you doing?" Wren came towards her. Melissa was in the shower down the hall. Spencer had assumed they were both in the bathroom.

"I just…"

"Your mum and Melissa told me about your little problem. You stole pills from me, didn't you?"

"I'm sorry, Wren… See, I have a problem focusing – like you. But my parents are too big on being perfectionists to let me have my own prescription." She lied.

"Well, maybe we could work something out." Wren smiled.

"Yeah, anything."

"Fuck me." Wren said sternly. Spencer was sure she didn't hear it right. Wren was a good guy, too good for her sister. Her eyes widened when he came closer and put his hands on her hips, thumbing at the bare skin between her pajama bottoms and her tank top.

"Wren," she pulled away. "You're engaged to my sister! Not to mention you're nearly a decade older than me. I'm 17."

"I know you've got that boyfriend of yours in your room – I saw his car parked down the street when we pulled in. You're not fooling anyone, I know you're really a little _slut."_

She grimaced. She did not want to do it with Wren. She was scared. "Come on, at least give me oral," he said, readjusting himself in his boxers, as if he might whip it out.

"Wren, I really didn't come in here for _this," _She mumbled. Wren pulled her in by her hips again, grossly pressing himself against her thigh while he went in for a gross, sloppy, wet kiss.

"Spencer!" Melissa walked in. "What the fuck are you doing in here with my fiancé?! I leave the room for fifteen minutes and you think you're going to steal Wren? Who DOES that?"

Spencer started to stammer over her words, but soon her parents had joined them in the bedroom, too. She was lectured and yelled at and called names. She was told she was taught better, and her whole family ganged up on her, essentially calling her a slut. Melissa even implied that that might be why she was with a popular guy – that she puts out.

"I don't do that!" Spencer yelped.

"Just go to bed," Peter grumbled.

Spencer slowly went to her room, looking over her shoulder to see Wren winking at her. She made a face and shut her door, climbing back into bed.

"Is everything okay? I heard voices…" Toby's eyes fluttered halfway open.

"Fine…" she trailed off, finally having reached conclusions on two things.

_Well, Wren is a creep, and a conniving one at that, so it makes sense he's with Melissa – they're perfect for one another. I also can't do Ali's work any faster without Wren's pills – which I am so obviously not getting now – so…I guess this is it for Toby and I._

_"Needed – Calculus I TUTOR – text me your availabilities – Seniors only." _Spencer posted in her GroupMe with the Tutoring Center.

She snuggled in to him as close as she could, trying to savor one last night of happiness, wishing for morning to never come.


	7. First, Last, Best

**A/N: Thank you everyone for the reviews and for keeping up with my story. I have fallen in love with writing this story thanks to all of your support. **

**Warning: the bolded "xx" are located and the beginning and end of a scene rated M for sexual content. You have been warned. Skipping the section if you would rather stay PG-13 will not affect your understanding of the story, but although it is graphic, it was a beautiful and wonderful scene for me to write. It was done as tastefully as possible.**

* * *

><p>Toby had never, ever stayed overnight with a girl without having had sex with her beforehand. Actually, he had never slept over with a girl while sober.<p>

And now he couldn't stop thinking about how just a few days ago, he had been curled up with Spencer Hastings in her bed, not even thinking about doing more than rubbing small circles with his thumb on her exposed skin and breathing in her coconut-scented hair.

Sure, he'd slept over with her a few times before – but only when she was just home from the hospital and needed him – and he needed peace of mind that she wasn't going to harm herself in any way. But this time was different. He wasn't feeling overprotective or horny – it just felt natural to lay with her. It was killing him not telling her how he felt. But in all honesty – everything he'd had before was nearly all physical – he didn't even know what it was he was feeling. It was as new to him as it was to her. He decided that the next time they hung out, he would tell her the deal was off, and start from scratch to win her heart the right way. Only he hadn't seen her since the night he slept over her house. He was hoping he could run into her after her decathlon practice, which he knew should end around 3:45 today. All he had to do was keep himself busy in the meantime.

It was killing Spencer to avoid Toby. She knew if she saw him, she would lose all sense and control. She would want to curl into his arms and feel protected and wanted. She wanted, in the very least, to keep her best friend. Practically her only friend – aside from Aria and Holden, who would also be lost in her deal with Ali. _It's all been a big game, anyhow. You were never meant to get attached. You never, ever had any right hanging with that crowd, anyway. If you care so much, you should be happy you are protecting them from Ali. They don't know the other side of Ali's harsh words – and they never should. _Spencer kept tapping her pencil against her notepad. She couldn't get out of her own head. She had already gotten Mariah, a new transfer student from Ravenswood, to agree to tutor Toby in her place. She'd told Ali that she'd be walking away from it all in the next few days. And then, _poof._ She would go back to being invisible, and the world would go on as it was fated.

As Spencer left her meeting, she darted down the hallway with her head down, making a beeline for the doors. And just like the feelings she'd developed for the starry-eyed athlete, she crashed right into him. He was coming inside from a cigarette break, and she was running out the doors without looking. Papers flew around them as he caught her from falling down the front steps of the school.

"Spencer!" His voice seemed giddy. "You gotta be more careful, hon." He said bending down to pick up her papers for her and putting out his cigarette on the ground. She tugged at the bottom of her shirt to pull it down, also bending to pick up books.

"Sorry, I have to go." She said, brushing past him, avoiding all eye contact. _Of course he's out here. What are the chances? This is all karma, for trying to change the order of things. Geez. I can't look at him. Ughhhhh._

"Wait up," he jogged forward to keep her pace. "I was waiting for you,"

"I have to get home," she shrugged.

"Can I at least walk you to your car? I thought we could chat. I haven't seen you in practically a week." He pouted a little, his eyes full of hope. _You probably got a boner sleeping next to her and she probably got freaked out when she woke up to it. Freakin' morning wood always screwing me up. There's gotta be a reason for her running away from me like this._

"It's right here…" she trailed off, unlocking her car as she was only a few feet from it. "Toby, I don't have time. I'm really sorry. I've got a bunch of tests that are coming up and I'm swamped." She shrugged again, walking backwards towards her driver's side. This was breaking her heart.

"Well, don't work too hard," he laughed, following her and leaning in her open window while she buckled up and turned the key in the ignition. "Maybe we can get some ice cream or see a movie after tutoring tomorrow." _It'll be a date, and it'll be perfect to finally tell her how I feel. _ He smiled to himself at the thought.

"I can't—" she started, but he interrupted.

"Spencer, it's like. An hour. Come on, please?" He used his infamous smolder on her.

"I can't tutor you anymore." She finished.

"What?" He looked shocked, his eyes begging her to tell him that he'd heard her wrong. "Why? Did I do something, Spence? If it's about our… _deal, _ we don't have to do that anymore. But I still need to pass calculus. And I like hanging out."

"My, uh… my mom and dad, they think that you're the reason I was popping pills. And for my 'attitude.' They said I can't see you anymore because you're a bad influence… and I know they're wrong but I can't go against them when I'm relying on them to pay my college deposit. I'm sorry Toby…it all happened so fast." She swallowed hard. The words tasted sour in her mouth. "I already arranged for Mariah to take over.

"But I work well with _you." _He frowned. _She's lying. She's lying right to my face. Her parents want nothing more than for me to take her away from them, because they think she is a burden. They never promoted a boyfriend so she would seem beautiful or popular like Melissa – they wanted to make sure she was married off and somebody else's problem. They didn't care about the Adderall, anyway. I can't tell her that they don't care about her… but she's lying to me. I need to find out why._

"So tell them we aren't together. It's just studying." He perked up, trying to beat around the bush to get her to hint at what the real problem was.

"Toby, I can't." Toby wasn't sure if he was seeing things, or if her eyes were actually welling up with tears.

"But—"

"Toby, I'm sorry…it wasn't supposed to be like this,"

_She's definitely going to cry, _Toby furrowed his eyebrows.

"I'll get you Mariah's information." She said, putting her car in gear and waiting for him to move as she drove away slowly at first, and then whizzing out of the parking lot.

_I have to get her back and tell her everything._

xx

Spencer texted Toby that night with Mariah's information. He immediately deleted it. He didn't need it for his plan.

Toby waited a few hours before answering.

_"I have a big test on Friday and Mariah isn't available until Friday. Which doesn't help. Can you please, please, please sneak away for just one afternoon to help me for this exam? Then I'll get on with Mariah's schedule. Pleeeease. I'm desperate here. ;)"_ He texted. _I have to just tell her everything when I see her – even if it isn't an ideal date. She should know to make the decision, and hopefully tell me the truth about what happened today in the lot._ He thought.

_"I'll come over tomorrow at 5. Just studying. Just this last time. –S" _She typed quickly, answering so immediately that he was actually surprised when his phone lit up, as he hadn't even put it aside yet. She bit her lip in a smile, secretly thrilled to have one more afternoon with Toby. _You deserve a better goodbye._ She thought, for the first time feeling she was deserving of anything at all.

"_Thank you, you're the best! 3" _

She sighed at the heart. _This boy is trying to end me._

xx

When he heard the knock on his door, he practically flew through the house to let her in. He smiled wide at her standing at the door. She was fifteen minutes late. Very un-Hastings of her.

"I thought you might have forgotten," he raised an eyebrow, moving to let her in.

"I just wasn't sure if it was a good idea to come." She was honest. She was afraid this might make her deal with Ali harder. But then, she didn't care, because she so missed him.

"Your parents hound you about where you were going?" he asked as they headed down to his room.

"No, they were actually on their way out for the weekend. Well, Dad was. My mom was at work, but she's leaving late tonight on a red eye to South Carolina."

"Oh… well, glad it worked out." He felt bad she was left alone for the weekend, again. He hoped to keep her company. "If you get lonely, though…" he started.

"I'm fine. Besides, _just tutoring, _remember?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

He nodded, woefully. He went through the motions of the math problems he didn't want or really need to do. She had taught him so much this year, he barely got any wrong. Although, he shouldn't have been surprised. She changed much more than his ability to solve equations.

He saw her trying to talk to him, presumably about math, but he was too caught up in watching her every move to really hear her.

And then he surprised himself by leaning in and planting a kiss on her lips.

She leaned in for a moment before pulling away. "Toby!" She yelped.

"Uhh…uh…I'm sorry, habit… just tutoring today, I know. Sorry." He spoke quickly. He was never flustered like this, especially with girls.

"No…it's okay. You're right, habit." She leaned a little closer, her lips feeling the same shockwaves they had when he'd stolen her first kiss. And she didn't want their last to be one he'd felt bad about. She wasn't ready for that, yet. "Old habits die hard…" she shifted closer to him once more, shutting the textbook. "It couldn't hurt… to play one last time. For tradition's sake." She shrugged with a smile, her hand on his leg.

"Spencer… deal's off, remember? You don't have to ..."

"It's our last time, we might as well make the best of it." She smiled, nervously. She was afraid she'd come on too desperate, but then again, if they never were together again, it wouldn't matter. She was finally learning to let go.

He wanted to tell her that if he got his way, this would certainly not be their last kiss. He wanted to tell her that it wasn't a game anymore, it stopped being a game months go. He wanted to tell her that he respected her and that she was beautiful.

But instead, he just leapt forward in a big, wet kiss and pulled her back onto the bed with him, no words exchanged.

Spencer soon felt herself pushing him down while straddling his waist. She felt the same awkward and clumsy, yet brazen and confident boozy assertion she'd felt at that first party he'd invited her to, where she drunkenly pulled him into this very room. Only this time, it was him, not the alcohol, that was making her dizzy.

They kissed and kissed and kissed, more aggressive than they'd ever been. She'd had his shirt off in minutes, and was starting to tackle his belt buckle when he pulled his lips from hers.

"Spencer…" he started, and she narrowed her eyes at him, begging him not to stop her this time.

"I want to keep playing," she whispered as she planted a kiss on his lips, and then pulled back to her sitting position to pull her own shirt over her head – a line they'd never, ever crossed. She threw it aside haphazardly, darting for his neck as her hands explored his sides, goosebumps forming on her back as he thumbed at her spine. He no sooner had grabbed her by the hips to flip them over, aggressively going at her neck, his hands daring to grab at her chest. She moaned into his mouth as his hand snaked up her bra; she saw no end to this.

It was something she'd fantasized about. Dreamed about. Maybe even secretly hoped for; that he would show her what love was in it's most tangible form. Even if it was just _pretend._ And now she was set on making it happen. Real.

"Spencer, if we don't stop," he panted as he pulled away from her, his hand still lightly cupping her chest.

"I'm not ready to stop…" She nodded, pulling him back to her face. She was shocked at the words that came from her mouth, but she felt like she was a different person when she was in his arms. Especially like this.

She finished what she had started before in pulling at his pants, finally forcing him to kick them off his feet. He started to tease at the waist of her jeans, her shallow breaths leaving him hot from the inside out. He looked at her for approval.

"I don't want to stop…" she sighed, her hands running down his chest. She felt like she was living in someone else's body. Everything felt fuzzy and surreal and somehow technicolor, as if everything was exaggerated and more beautiful than it'd ever been before. Like magic.

He lunged at her with a seemingly magnetic force, his fingers undoing her buttons as his lips went at her neck. "Do you want to?" he murmured in her ear. He knew it was a risk, but she was driving him crazy and his brain had very little to say at this point.

"Mhmmmmmm," she purred in his ear, leading to her throwing herself at his lips in a long, passion kiss as she pulled him back up to her while kicking off her own pants and underwear, which he had peeled off in one swift motion.

**xx**

"Tell me if I'm hurting you," he said as he removed his boxers and unrolled a condom onto his member, kneeling closer to her as he positioned himself directly in front of her entrance. He tucked a wisp of hair behind her ear, smiling genuinely. He certainly hadn't meant for this to happen, but it was something he'd wanted for a very long time. He was the kind of guy who never waited around for sex. But with her, he'd have waited even longer.

She just nodded, closing her eyes, waiting to feel him. To feel full. She felt his fingers interlock with hers on either side of her head. She wanted to laugh. He was so worried about hurting her, when this would be nothing compared to the types of pain she'd become numb to. If anything, he was the most un-afflicting pain source in her life. He only showed her light.

She took a gasp of air in as she felt him push inside, her groin suddenly filled with a weird kind of pressure. She squeezed his hands a little as she felt him move again, and soon all the way inside as their pelvises grazed one another's.

"Shhhh… I'm sorry, I'm sorry this has to hurt," he left kisses along her jaw to her lips. She responded with deeper kisses, letting him know that this pain was one she wanted. And she only wanted it from him. She locked her ankles around him when she felt him move deep inside of her again, wanting to keep him inside for a moment, their bodies touching in every sense of the word with virtually no negative space between them. _If this is what love is in it's physical form, _she thought, _I want to feel all of it, and I want to etch it into my skull so I never lose this feeling. Love. Or at least what we're supposed to believe love might be._ She exhaled loudly, softly moaning at him as she unlocked her ankles, freeing up his movement. She wanted to remember every single movement. Just in case this was the closest she'd ever get to real love. She didn't know it, but she already had it. This was the real thing.

She fell in rhythm with him, and tried to match his movements, softly purring and nuzzling in at him when they would both move upwards towards each other. When he felt close, he let go of her hands and grazed the skin of her navel, inching downwards to find her clit, knowing that this would probably be her only chance of getting off her first time. He knew he'd hurt her, and just wanted her to feel pleasure; to feel happiness and safety in him. To him, this was the most real it'd ever been. He'd been with countless girls, but none of them meant more to him than Spencer did. None of them felt like Spencer did.

She bucked forward, biting her lip to try and keep the noises in her throat.

"Jesus Christ," Toby muttered under his breath as she moved, surprised at the ways her back arched, how flexible and malleable she was underneath him. He was mesmerized by the sound of her soft purs, nothing like Ali's fake screams, aggression, and oftentimes complaints. He pushed Ali out of his head immediately, and she was more than forgotten when Spencer started to move her hips in a circular motion. _She is literally the most wonderful person I've ever known. This is the most amazing this has ever felt. This feels so…energizing. So personal. I want to hold her the rest of my life, I think. God, Toby, stop being so emotional about this. Enjoy this time you have with her. You won't ever get this moment back. Dear God, how did she learn to move her hips like that? Hmmmmm._

"Let it out," he whispered in her ear, nibbling at it. "Please, Spencer. Enjoy this. Be here with me and enjoy this." He egged her on, pushing only harder and faster on her magic button, before switching to a much lighter, slow motion, emitting a series of short, sweet moans to escape Spencer's mouth, followed by some more louder, higher-pitched ones as she bucked up her hips again. Her noises and movements felt like they were in slow motion to him. He was in complete and utter awe of her. She looked like an angel spread in the middle of his bed, her hair a mess around her head, framing her ironically, and yet not, like a halo.

He knew she was close, and he was too. He stopped all movement for a moment to feel her walls snug against him one more time before exiting almost completely, slowly as he could. His thumb found her spot again, her moans becoming louder, her walls starting to tighten around the little bit of him that remained resting in her entrance. And then he quickly pulled himself back into her as her walls pulsated around him, a low screamish-yelp coming from her throat as she finished just in time with him. He left himself inside for a moment as they rode out the wave before pulling himself out and kissing her, touching her everywhere. For the first time in her entire life, she felt beautiful, and felt no qualms about it. She didn't feel as if it were a mistake, or that she should feel guilty. For the first time in her life she felt beautiful from the inside out, and she believed that he really thought that too. But it didn't matter, anyhow. She felt freed from any insecurity as they laid there with goofy smiles coming down from the rush, their bodies bare, meshed together, bound by an overwhelming feeling that this was what it was _supposed_ to feel like.

**xx**

He hoped she had a good first time, but he was worried he hurt her too much. He knew he got carried away, but he loved her noises and the way her nose scrunched up and most importantly he loved _her. _And now he could confidently say he loved her truly: _Every. Little. Bit._

She took a deep breath and moaned lightly into his neck, kissing him on the cheek. She promptly swung her legs over the side of the bed and almost immediately found her bottoms, wiggling them on quickly. He pulled at her sides from behind, hugging her with his head nuzzled in her neck. "I wasn't expecting that," his whispered, his lips curling into a smile. She could feel his chuckle on her neck. She smiled, too. Because of all the things she could have planned, this by far exceeded any expectation she could have. She felt safer just by having felt someone so close to her. Her skin responded well to the warmth of his.

"Was that alright?" she turned to look at him, still in just her bra and jeans, her eyes fighting to stay in contact with his while she scanned the room for her top. Her look towards him grew more shy, finally letting the level of intimacy sink in. She felt vulnerable in the weirdest way - because in this case, it felt _good. _She almost liked the feeling of vulnerability and weakness around him, because it meant that he might encase her and make her feel alive. She felt fearless and scared shitless at the same time as she stood in front of him, and her cute half-smile told him the whole story. Her eyes searched for approval from him, only hoping to have made a memory for him, too. To have made him half as happy as she felt, as she felt her goofy smile cemented still on her face, as if she'd slept with a coat hanger in her mouth. His reward for being everything she never really knew she needed, and everything she really could have ever wanted. For changing everything.

"The best," he smiled, more genuinely than she could ever know. "You can stay..._please_, stay here with me." he offered as she got up from the bed to pull her t-shirt over her head. He was waiting for her to snuggle back into him, and then maybe cook her a nice dinner. Make the evening special, and tell her how he felt like he was falling from the sky. This was the first time he'd been jumpy with a girl since he was a pre-teen. Now, he felt so jumpy he might as well be jumping from an airplane. She was special. Of all the times he'd been in this same situation before, the wide yet sleepy eyed looks after sex, he'd never felt such a compulsion to stay still with that person. _She's different than all the rest. Good different. And we shared such a special moment, she has to want to stay with me...right? Why else would she give me her first?__  
><em>

"I should go home," she kissed his cheek, surprising him as she hopped up and speedily shot up his staircase. He got up after her, pulling on his boxers as he ran up the stairs in her footsteps, trying to make her stay. But she was too fast, and before he could make it to the door, her car was already halfway out his driveway.

xx

Spencer drove away fast, not because she felt hurt or even embarrassed by the action that happened – in fact, she felt overwhelmed by emotion. She felt like when he looked at her, she might be magic. _Elated, _that was the word for what she was feeling.

For her, that wasn't their game. It was her first act of love. It occurred to her that to him, it was probably just a game – she had no idea how wrong she was. But in any case, she didn't care. Because now, she felt like flying.

She ran because she knew if she'd stayed any longer, she'd tell him all her feelings; they were waiting to come out like word vomit, threatening to ruin their clean and pretty moment.

_The perfect goodbye, _she hummed to herself, feeling melancholy and beautiful as she pulled into her driveway.

A million emotions passed her by as she walked from her car to her house. She felt tears come on, but she just smiled them away – a genuine smile.

_I can't believe I just gave him my... he **wanted** my first..._

Not one ounce of her felt sadness or regret. She would treasure today for the rest of her life. She plopped onto her couch with a smile, soon drifting off to sleep – as he'd definitely tired her out – dreaming about being in his arms. Because there, she was her happiest. And now she had enough memory to last her a lifetime.

xx

"_Can I ask you something," _Toby texted Caleb as he lie in his bed alone, still awaiting a response from Spencer. It'd been hours.

"What's up?"

_"Well… I, uh, I kinda strayed from the plan we talked about with Spencer. About telling her the deal was off and then starting over. And I need to know how bad I **fucked **this up."_ He hated himself for letting her leave. He had found some blood on his sheets after she'd run out, and the prospect of hurting her terrified him. He kind of wanted to laugh at his accidental innuendo though. If only Caleb already knew the irony.

_"How so?_ _You just blurted it out like an idiot and scared her, didn't you."_ He laughed at his friend.

_"Worse. I kinda took her virginity instead, and then didn't tell her how I feel...still."_

_"Dude, WHAT? HOW?"_

_"She ended the deal first. She told me she couldn't tutor me anymore and gave me a lame ass excuse, so I made an excuse back to get her here one more time to tell her. But we had to study first since that was the lie that I told, that I couldn't get in with my new tutor yet, and then I kissed her… and then it all just happened so fast. She's so beautiful, man. I can't stop thinking about her. This is actually physically hurting me. She ran out of here after and I don't know what to do."_

_"You have to just be honest, dude. I keep telling you that."_

Toby stared at the text. He knew his friend was right. What he didn't know was why he was so nervous. Before he could answer, his phone vibrated again.

"_But more importantly, was it awesome? ;)" _Caleb had to ruin the moment. Toby couldn't help but laugh a little.

"_I won't talk about her. But I will say this – Best. Ever."_

xx

Ali was sitting on her bed watching Netflix on her iPad when her show paused automatically due to a large number of messages coming in. It was Toby's stream.

Her eyes darted all over the screen as she read about Toby and Spencer's little playdate.

_Are you fucking kidding me? She lied to me? She is not going to get away with that. How dare she think she could trick me. _

She continued on, and audibly gasped. _BEST EVER MY ASS. NO WAY SHE'S BETTER THAN ME IN BED. SHE'S A VIRGIN FREAK._

_It is too close to prom for her to be pulling tricks. I need to get Toby back where he belongs – with me. _

Ali near threw her iPad across the bed.

_She's going to pay for this._

* * *

><p>Sorry for the cliffhanger! Thank you to everyone who has been reading and reviewing. I am super overwhelmed with the support I've gotten with this story. I wish you would all sign-in when you reviewed since I try to private-message everyone back with responses to reviews! I am also now accepting prompts and suggestions in my inbox. Message me please! Yay!<p>

And now, to my guests:

**Amy: Thank you! I'm glad you like it! I try to update 1-2 times per week, depending on my time. Often I get so excited about the fic that I update more often. I'm sorry this chapter didn't go as you'd have wished, but I promise that this IS a SPOBY fic and there will eventually be a happy ending.**

**Guest: Mine too. I have a very special spot for this spencer in my heart. She is various broken pieces of my imagination, myself, and some dear friends. **

**Spoby312: Thank you for continuing to review this over and over again! Your support is not unnoticed! Let me know if you have any prompts you'd like me to tackle or suggestions for the story. **

**Anon: Thank you! I am trying to make this as realistic as possible, especially concerning their feelings. It will be happy, but not too unbelievably fluffy – at least not right now. The best love stories are worked for.**

**And not a guest, but a special thanks to Cece127 for always messaging me personally about chapters, giving input, and being my cheerleader! This chapter is dedicated to you!**


	8. The Higher You Fly, The Harder You Fall

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews! I'm so excited to share this chapter with you guys! I wanted to update sooner but I needed to leave some suspense ;) I also needed to make sure this chapter was everything it needed to be. This chapter is long and really a turning point. I almost left you at a really big cliffhanger but I decided that that was just cruel. Read on!**

**FYI For those asking, I'll be updating my other in-progress story, Quite Like You, tonight or tomorrow. I've put more focus on this one because it's been more popular, but I haven't forgotten about the other story! Sorry!**

* * *

><p>It had been a whole weekend and Ali was still fuming. <em>How could he honestly sleep with her? What is he trying to prove? We belong together. She's a nobody.<em>

She was out for blood.

She sat with Lucas at his high-tech computer, watching him do as she'd bribed him to do. "This is brilliant," she laughed at the screen. Her mind was flooded with the satisfaction of victory, and the premonition of things going back to normal; her and Toby would be dancing as prom King and Queen in no time. Just as they should be. It was written in the stars.

"This doesn't seem right… I don't understand why this is so important to you," Lucas momentarily stopped manipulating Ali's vengeful creation.

"Shut up, Hermie." Ali shot back. "I didn't pay you to come here and give me a lesson in morality. I know what I'm doing. Sometimes people just need a little…help, getting back to their place. I'm doing her a favor. I'm doing both of them a favor." She hissed.

"But—" Lucas started, but Ali gave him a death glare. "Alright, fine. I'll stop asking." He went back to the project, Ali barking orders into his ear.

xx

It was a three-day weekend, and Spencer had spent all weekend home alone. She preferred it that way, honestly. Especially as of late. Ever since the Wren thing, her parents looked even more disgusted and disappointed to be around her. She was embarrassed, herself. She murmured quiet one-word answers around them, lately. She obliged to anything to win any respect she had back.

But this weekend was different. She was alone, and she had nobody around her to ruin what had happened between her and Toby. The feelings she'd accumulated after the act; the illusion of beauty she'd recently started to feel radiating through her veins hadn't faded yet. She wondered if she was changed for good. She held onto the moment, trying desperately not to get her hopes up that she had become anything new, but still smiling at the fact that she _felt _different. She felt like what she imagined her sister might feel like, or maybe Aria, even. The people in her life who were always so genuinely happy. And she was happy. She couldn't get the prospect that somebody had wanted her for a little while out of her head. She hoped these feelings would stay for a while.

Of course, if it were up to Ali, she'd never have felt them in the first place. And she would make sure that Spencer would snap out of it as quickly as it all came on.

xx

Toby had spent the weekend similarly, trying to get the tall brunette out of his mind. He had texted her once, offering to come bring her food if she was lonely, and invited her to Noel's party on Saturday. She never answered. He was paranoid that he had really wrecked it. But he didn't press it; he just figured he would see her at school.

"Tobes, pay attention!" Toby heard Noel's voice bringing him back to reality as a basketball bounched dangerously close to hitting him in the face. Luckily Toby was swift enough to catch it.

"Pleeeease tell me this isn't about Hastings." Noel laughed.

"He hasn't snapped out of it in weeks," Caleb laughed, stealing the ball from Toby and jumping up to dunk the ball.

"Come on, leave it alone." Toby ran for the ball.

"He _loves _her," Caleb mocked, making kissy noises.

Noel laughed, "No way, Hastings?"

"She—" Toby gave Caleb a warning look before Caleb blurted out what he'd done with her Thursday afternoon. Normally, Toby basked in bragging rights over the girls he'd turned into notches on his bedpost. But he felt funny about telling people about Spencer. He didn't know what it was, but he felt defensive about it. It was like he needed to protect her, even when there wasn't anything around to protect her from.

"What about her?" Noel stopped and held the ball in front of his chest, waiting for a juicy story he felt was coming.

"Nothing. She's just _different." _Toby looked down when he said it.

"Toby Cavanaugh you really do have feelings. Damn," Noel laughed.

"Told ya," Caleb smiled.

"Whatever. If we're not playing another round can we stop gossiping like 12 year old girls and just get a burger?"

"Fine by me," Caleb tossed the ball into the bed of Toby's truck.

Noel and Toby play-pushed one another as they walked to the car laughing.

xx

It was Monday, and Spencer was dreading going back to school. But when she turned the corner to her locker, she was surprised not to see Toby waiting for her. Only Aria, who was at her own locker a few down from Spencer's, was in sight.

She felt silly for assuming she'd have to put up with pushing Toby aside, since she'd ignored him over the weekend. _Maybe this really is it,_ Spencer felt sadder than she'd expected.

She went to her locker when she felt the presence of the brunette next to her. "How was your three-day weekend?" Aria piped up, going on her tip-toes in excitement.

"Fine," Spencer's cheeks burned, wishing she could tell somebody about her and Toby. Wishing there _was_ a her and Toby. Wishing that she and Aria could continue being normal girl friends. Spencer slammed her locker shut as she balanced her open book bag on her knee against the lockers, trying to fish out her planner.

Aria pouted. "Well that's convincing," she spat out sarcastically. "Why weren't you at Noel's on Saturday? Best party of the year so far! I was looking for you!"

"I, uh, I don't know." She sighed. "Hey, do you know where Toby is?" Spencer looked defeated. She hated herself for asking.

"He's got that conference today with a scout and some other students with potential in Philly or something. He didn't tell you that?" Aria narrowed her eyes.

"You know what, he probably did, I'm just a ditz lately." She spotted Ali across the hall death-glaring at her. "I have to run," she said, pushing through the crowded hallway, leaving Aria stranded near her locker.

xx

Toby spent his whole day talking about his future, football, and moving across the country. You'd think he couldn't be happier. But he kept wondering if Spencer could ever fit into that picture. He had to go outside for a cigarette break and shake it off. He ended up texting Spencer. He wouldn't wait to go back to school the following day.

_"Can I see you after school? I really need to talk to you. It's important." _He sent it quickly, hoping she'd reply before he finished his cigarette and he had to go back inside.

She was sitting in the library at lunch, eating alone to avoid Aria and anybody else she wasn't supposed to be talking to. She needed time alone. It was funny to think she used to hate being alone, and now she felt like she needed it.

Her phone buzzed and caused her to jump, as she was reading her book and was off in another place.

_Toby. _She sighed. She opened it excitedly, cursing herself for not stripping herself of her feelings yet. She was a Hastings, being emotionless was supposed to be easy for her.

"_I have student council, sorry." _She sent back, painstakingly.

"_I'll wait." _He answered again before going inside.

The bell rang before she could read his response, and she too returned to her responsibilities.

She didn't check her phone the rest of the day.

xx

It was almost the end of the day, and Spencer cut through the courtyard when she saw Wren sitting at a club table with a few others dressed in lab coats.

"Miss Hastings," he called her over.

"What are you doing here?" She narrowed her eyes.

"I'm helping out the nurses' office with some other local physicians for seniors who need their immunization forms for college. Have you filled yours out?"

"I'll take care of it," she rolled her eyes.

He grabbed her wrist. "I could take care of it for you," he said, his eyes scanning her up and down. She felt like he had mentally undressed her and it freaked her out. She tugged her arm away.

"Please, Wren. Stop this."

"You don't know what you're missing," he smirked. Spencer marched off, scoffing. He was a troll.

xx

"It's time, Lucas, help me." Ali snarled as she grabbed Lucas in the hallway. It was the start of the last class of the day, and they were the only two in the hallway.

"I'm late for AP History," Lucas whined.

Ali groaned and pulled out a pad of hall passes she'd stolen from Mr. Fitz, a young, impressionable English teacher. "You're fine. Come on."

Lucas followed, hesitantly. The hallway had cleared as everyone was in their last class of the day.

"We have to do it now so no one sees that we're the ones posting them, and _everyone _will see them when they stampede into the halls after last period." Ali smiled as she took a large stack of fliers out of her locker, handing half the stack to Lucas. She was smiling devilishly at the genius of her plan.

"Whatever you say," Lucas sighed as he helped her hang the posters down the hallway.

Soon, classes were let out. Students spilled into the hallway and immediately saw Ali's revenge.

Posters lined the lockers and the walls with a poster that claimed to promote the tutoring center. **GO TO THE TUTORING CENTER, GET FREAKY WITH FREAK HASTINGS, **the poster read. Underneath was a manipulated photo of Spencer's face on an exotic dancer's body, and another of her face and Toby's face photoshopped onto a couple in bed. The bottom of the poster had a disclaimer; reading **FOR REFERENCE, SEE TOBY CAVANAUGH**

Everyone was grabbing at the posters, hysterical at the idea of Spencer Hastings being anything more than a loser goody-two shoes, and Toby Cavanaugh sleeping with her for a better grade. Ali stood against her locker, smiling, waiting for Spencer's reaction. Her eyes scanned the hall for her, but nothing yet. Lucas felt so guilty that he just left school as quickly as he could.

Spencer had stayed in her classroom a few minutes after class had ended, since her teacher wanted to talk to her about a scholarship opportunity via an essay contest.

When she stepped out into the hallway, she was surrounded completely by groups of students around her giggling, whispering, pointing, and staring. She searched the crowd for a familiar face; Aria, maybe. She tried to figure out what was going on. When she finally was approached by Ali, who handed her the poster.

Spencer's eyes widened as she read the poster and examined the depiction of herself, barely clothed, dominating Toby. Her face burned red, her eyes welled up but she bit her lip, because she didn't usually let herself cry in front of anybody. Toby had been the only exception.

_Was he part of this? Was that…did he sleep with me just to make fun of me? Was I always a part of a grand scheme to a senior prank? But he told me all those nice things… _

"How did you like my leftovers?" Ali hissed. "Stay away from what isn't yours, Freak."

Spencer opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

"You're more of a freak than I thought if you really ever thought Toby could ever see you as more than what you are – a loser. It was never real. I know you had a deal… he was never into it. You were just another hole to _screw. _Like shooting practice." Ali smiled manically. She loved to twist the knife.

Spencer just pushed past her to run to the parking lot; she was feeling as if there wasn't enough oxygen in her lungs no matter how many deep breaths she took to steady herself. Ali and others followed outside, some to watch her unravel, the rest to leave school.

Except when she got to the parking lot, people were still standing around with the flier, calling out random things to her, some guys whistling and cat-calling, others propositioning her with a laugh.

She wanted to crawl inside of herself and disappear.

xx

Though Toby hadn't heard from her, Toby was set on seeing Spencer that afternoon. He had to tell her everything. Or, in the very least, make sure she was okay – physically and emotionally. He knew that a girl's first time was painful, and he had even found a few specks of red on his sheets after she'd ran out on him. He also knew that girls also often had more emotional attachment and feelings about sex than he was used to having, and wanted to make sure she didn't feel badly about what had transpired between them. He had been worried all weekend and he needed to put an end to his wondering.

He had come in the back entrance of the school just after classes had gotten out. He wasn't able to find Spencer, but he was able to find one of the leftover fliers on the floor.

All color flushed from his face. This had Ali written all over it. _How the fuck did she find out? Did Caleb tell? Did Caleb tell Hanna who passed it on? Idiots! I'm going to punch someone in about ten seconds. _He was outraged. He ran through the halls and then outside towards the lot, to find Spencer. He prayed that she hadn't seen it, although he knew that that was highly unlikely.

He searched the crowded lot for his favorite brunette, but saw the demonic blonde instead. "You did this!" He screamed at Ali.

She just smiled back. "And you did _that." _She motioned to the picture of Spencer.

It took everything inside of Toby to remind himself not to hit a girl. "Where is she? Why did you do this to her? Who told you? GOD DAMN IT ALI."

"You just needed to come back to your senses. You don't want to end your senior year with a laughing stock."

"I wanted to end my senior year happily, thank you very much." He tugged his arm away from her reach.

"Spencer!" he called as he saw her a few feet away in her car, trying desperately to pull out of the lot, but her car wouldn't start. She was clearly on the edge of tears as she continually turned the key in the ignition, praying to hear the rumble of the starting engine.

"Leave me alone," Spencer growled at him. She didn't want to talk, because she knew she would cry.

Ali came over once more, hooking her arm in Toby's. "Let her go. We can go back to normal now," she cooed.

xx

As Ali tried to win over Toby, or at least distract him, Spencer got out of her car and started to march down the walkway, hoping to just walk home and turn invisible somewhere along the way.

Wren pulled up next to her, driving slowly to match her pace. "I can drop you off," he offered.

Spencer looked at him. She knew the ride wouldn't come without a price.

"What's in it for you?" She glared, crossing her arms over her chest.

"We can work that out later," he smiled, and hit the brakes. "Come on, it'll be faster."

Spencer looked back and the last thing she saw was Ali's arms wrapped around Toby's neck; she was leaning in for a kiss. Spencer's stomach flopped. Maybe she really was just a pawn in Toby's twisted game with Ali, she thought. She sighed, feeling more worthless than she had in a while.

"Fine," she agreed, climbing into the car, deciding that whatever Wren had up his sleeve was better than seeing Toby celebrate her demise with Ali the devil.

xx

"Get off of me," Toby ripped Ali's arms from around him, backing up to avoid the kiss. "Do me a favor, Ali. Never, _ever_ speak to me again." He said firmly before running out to his bike and speeding towards the Hastings house.

Ali stood there with her jaw hanging open. How could he walk away from her for _Spencer? _

_He must really love her. Ugh._

xx

When Spencer got home, she jumped out of the car almost immediately.

"I'll see you at family dinner this week," Wren winked, obviously having a plan up his sleeve. She just nodded, not caring anymore about anything.

She collapsed almost immediately upon entering the house. She fell to her knees and crumbled down, all the tears she'd held back all afternoon finally pouring out of her eyes.

She heard a knock at the door and assumed it was a delivery for her parents, so she wiped her face and opened the door, reading to sign for a package.

Instead, it was Toby.

"Spencer, please let me in," he said as he put his hand in the doorway so she couldn't slam the door in his face.

"Go," she bit her quivering lip, trying to not cry in front of him.

"Spencer… I didn't do this. I didn't tell her. I don't know how she found out,"

"It was all just a game anyway, right?" Spencer said harshly.

"Spencer, I'm _so _embarrassed." Toby admitted, thinking about all of the times he should have told her how he felt. He never, ever should have convinced her to play the game from the beginning. Although without it, they might not have uncovered their feelings. Still, he was so embarrassed of how he'd treated her – a perfectly innocent, beautiful, kind girl, who had somehow overnight become a slut and a joke. Because of him. He never should have let her think that it was a game.

The words hit Spencer like a ton of bricks. This wasn't the first time someone close to her expressed embarrassment to her. Except then, it was that they were embarrassed _of _her. Spencer was so used to feeling shame that she didn't realize that that wasn't what he'd meant in the slightest. She felt her whole body droop a bit, not sure whether to feel sorry or just upset. The desire to disappear hadn't left her yet.

"Spence?" He looked at her for a response.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen," she started, her breathing shallow, trying to control herself from showing the overwhelming emotion that was bubbling up in her chest. She was overrun with the fear that if it were true he wasn't using her as part of a prank, she might have effectively ruined him,

"Me neither," he said softly, looking down. He didn't know where to start with his apologies. He wasn't sure what she was sorry for.

"You should probably go." She nodded, looking up at him.

"Spencer…" he trailed off. "I really am sorry," he wanted to touch her, but he didn't know if it were appropriate. He was also coming off a bit more hostile than he'd meant to, because he was still so mad at how Ali had found out. He was going to Caleb's next to rip him a new one. Or at least get some answers.

She nodded. "Goodbye, Toby." She shut the door on him, and retreated once more to pulling herself into a ball, crying about how much she'd wanted Toby to rescue her, but now that was just a pipedream. The word goodbye rung in her head, wishing that she could rewind and keep the beautiful goodbye she'd made for herself just a few days ago.

xx

Toby drove to Caleb's, ready to fight.

"You promised you wouldn't tell! Ali attacked her!" He pushed Caleb into the wall as soon as Caleb let him in.

"Relax," he shoved Toby off. "I didn't tell anybody. Not even Hanna."

"Then how come Ali knows?!"

"I don't know man! That bitch is psycho! She has eyes everywhere!"

Toby started to calm down, and then slid down the wall to sit. He put his face in his hands. "I've lost her, man…"

xx

Aria was at Ali's after school, after having skipped the end of the day to go to a doctor's appointment. She saw the flier in Ali's bag.

"What is this?" she pulled it out and examined it. "Did you make this?!" She looked up at Ali.

"Impressive, isn't it?" She laughed. "The Freak needed to get off my man. If I hadn't interfered he'd probably have taken her to prom. Iiiick." Ali laughed.

"That's not funny, Ali. They really liked each other,"

"Oh no they didn't. I read everything Toby said to Caleb. It was a deal they had when she was tutoring him. She'd tutor him if he pretended to be her boyfriend. How pathetic, right?"

"Even if that's true, he loves her, Ali. You just ruined both of their lives. If you still liked Toby ruining his life was not the way to show that."

"Why are you sticking up for her?!" Ali shot back.

"Because she's my friend!" Aria stood up. "And a way better one than you!" She grabbed her stuff. "You better find a way to fix this." Aria ran past Ali and left her house, heading right towards Spencer's.

"Spencer it's me, open up!" She banged on the door.

Spencer opened up. "You should go," she had only opened the door a crack. "Ali will get you next,"

"Ali can kiss my ass!" Aria said loudly. "You have to know Toby had nothing to do with that. Are you okay? I'm sorry she did this to you…"

"I already talked to Toby," Spencer choked on his name.

"And?"

"And he's embarrassed that everybody knows that he's been hooking up with a _freak. _So I said goodbye," she said more than she'd meant to.

"Spence…" She wanted to assure her that Toby wouldn't have said that, but then again, she wasn't there. Spencer had to hear it from Toby.

"Thank you for coming here, Aria. But I don't want you to get hurt…and I really would rather be alone."

"Fine…but come over this weekend? You _really_ need a girl's night."

"I'll think about it." She nodded.

xx

Aria called Toby from her car.

"Change all your passwords you idiot."

"Hi, Aria…nice to talk to you, too. Now, what?" Toby tried to sound like he hadn't been crying.

"Ali hacked into your messages. That's how she found out you were… _with _Spencer."

"Are you kidding me?"

"It gets worse."

"You're kidding." Toby decided.

"What the hell did you say to Spencer?"

"I apologized! I don't want to talk about this. I feel bad enough, okay?"

"I don't think she knows that,"

"I just left her place…I told her everything."

"She thinks you're embarrassed that people know about the two of you. She thinks that you still think she's a loser."

"What?"

"Toby… she needs space right now, so don't run over there right now. But you have to find a way to let her know – very clearly – what she means to you. Because even if it can't be fixed, she needs to know she didn't sleep with an enemy."

"Shit…yeah. Thanks Aria." He hung up.

_God damn it, Ali. If I lose her because of you… I can't believe she thinks I could think that about her when I love her so much._

He ordered for flowers to be delivered to her house, The message read: _I hope these flowers are half as pretty as you, -T._

And then he'd wait to give her a chance to make the next move.

xx

When Wren and Melissa came over two days later for dinner, Spencer was in her room, Melissa was in the bathroom, and Spencer's parents were out picking up food when the doorbell rang and the flowers arrived.

Wren read it and laughed, before throwing away the card and bringing the flowers to the kitchen, claiming that he'd brought them as a gift for the Hastings'

And Spencer would never know that Toby had, once again, called her beautiful.

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><p><strong>I'M SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS ROUGH. THE NEXT ONE WILL BE HAPPIER, I PROMISE. THE BEST IS YET TO COME. PLEASE DON'T BE TOO MAD AT ME.<strong>

**YOU CAN AT LEAST BE HAPPY THAT ALI DIDN'T WIN. :-)**

**I know this was hard to read so I will be updating SOON to make them happier, and you guys too! If I get 10 reviews I will update as soon as I hit 10 on this chapter. More reviews, faster update!**

**As for reviews – if you reviewed while signed in, you should be getting a message from me soon, if you haven't already. I love talking to all my readers!**

**Maddie: I'm glad you liked the last chapter! My favorite is Somebody to Protect, with the last one being second. I hope you like this one, although I have a feeling you'll be like NOOO again. :P**

**Spoby312: I tried to change it up! I'm glad it went over well! I love that you love the torture lol I do too!**

**Guest (Nov 4 II): Toby's feelings are coming so sooooon. He's trying his hardest! I hope it's clear that he's just as nervous as her – he is not unsure of himself as she is so self-aware and self-deprecating, but he has been with a lot of girls and isn't used to falling for any of them or any of his relationships having any depth. He is nervous around Spencer and is afraid to tell her everything because he's never done it before. This IS a spoby romance though, I promise it is coming!**

**Guest (Nov 4 I): I'm sorry for you to have to see Spencer hurting, but it will be worth it Toby is her superhero.**

**Amy: Thank you! I try to update as much as I can! I will probably not take a whole week to update this time.**


	9. Harder You Fall, Higher You Bounce Back

**A/N: WOW! I am absolutely shocked – I got near double my target number of reviews in less than 24 hours after publishing! As promised, I am updating now for all of you! It's almost all fluff because you've all been waiting TOO LONG for a happy chapter for everybody.**

**I hope that this comes off as just the start of what you've all been waiting for! As always, thank you for the support and enjoy this chapter!**

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><p>"Spencer Hastings, get down here before dinner gets cold!" Spencer groaned as she heard her mother call her from downstairs. Thankfully, the past few days she had had college interviews – which was stressful, but at least she didn't have to go to school and face Toby, Ali, or anybody else for that matter.<p>

"I'm coming," She ran down the stairs, taking a seat in the only empty chair, next to Wren.

_Of course I have to sit with the filthy pig. I wonder if Melissa knows, and just accepts it, or she's actually that oblivious. It doesn't matter, because Mommy and Daddy love him, so she's retaining her favorite daughter status._

Wren put his hand on her thigh under the table, creeping up her dress. Spencer jumped a bit, causing her to spill her water; it spilled all over the floor between the two of them. Melissa just scoffed, her parents rolled their eyes.

"Clean that up,"

"I'll help," Wren piped up, joining Spencer in the kitchen where she was getting paper towels. "Don't forget, you owe me," he said in her ear as he pulled her hips backwards toward his own, spanking her butt lightly as he moved past her for a towel and then returning to the dining room. Spencer made a face. It didn't feel good and complimentary like when Toby touched it; it felt dirty and demeaning.

Then again, she had lost most of the respect and confidence she'd gained for herself over the course of the past few months in just one afternoon. She was falling into somewhat of a depression, moping around mindlessly, listening to her parents, doing her homework, and keeping her head down. She completely avoided the mirror, and she'd even hidden the razor she'd used to cut herself just a few weeks ago, praying for the strength to stay away from that place. She'd lost the beautiful feeling of light shooting through her veins that had felt teasingly permanent after she'd given Toby everything she'd had to offer. She couldn't say she was surprised.

She let Wren thumb at her inner thigh all night as she pushed food around her plate, feeling too uneasy to take more than a few bites.

_Just get by. Just do what you need to do to not cause any more trouble for anybody until you move out for college. And then maybe you can start over and be somebody different. You won't be bound to the Hastings reputation forever. I hope._

xx

For Toby, it had not gone unnoticed that Spencer had not been in school the past two days. He hoped that she would be back tomorrow. He was trying not to text her or call her, he felt like he was physically restraining himself from just getting up and running nonstop until he reached her front steps. But he wanted to give her the space she needed. He was very aware that she may never believe him or forgive him, but from the beginning all he wanted was to make things _easier _for her. He just needed to get there again.

The next morning at school, he accompanied Aria to her locker to watch for Spencer.

"You're such a creep. If you want to talk to her, find her. Or wait by her locker for her. Don't use me as an alibi for your weird stalking," Aria teased.

"Shhh, she's here." Toby's eyes couldn't be pulled from the tall brunette's form making her way through the hallway, seemingly in slow motion. She was wearing a big, oversized sweater and cuffed jean capris and her favorite black docs, the shoes he'd become so fond of seeing fly down his stairs to greet him. Her hair seemed to be covering her face as some sort of intentional disguise, and she had on dark sunglasses. _Is she hiding? Oh God, she's hurting so badly. I think she's even more beautiful when she's not trying at all. Damn it, she's too broken for this. I need to go over there and put her back together some how. I need to get Ali back for this._

He started to angrily charge towards Spencer's locker, but Aria pulled him back. "Don't march over there unless you have something to say, otherwise you're going to make a gigantic ass out of yourself. Again."

"But…ugh, you're right. But there's too much for me to say, I don't even know where to start."

"Well that's what you have to start with internally. Figure that out first."

xx

As Aria tried to help Toby, all of the quiet chatter around the hallway got louder as Noel got behind Spencer and started to simulate sexual thrusting behind her, as if he were taking her from behind. When she turned, he whistled. "Damn, if I'd have known what kind of deals you were running I would've been at the tutoring center every DAY." Noel got laughter from everyone around him.

"Well now I have something to say," Toby mumbled before pushing past Aria to the scene.

Spencer completely froze up, her face was bright red and she couldn't move although her brain kept screaming for her to get out of there. She just stood against her locker, shell-shocked.

As soon as Toby got close enough, Toby had Noel against the lockers pinned down.

"Don't you dare ever talk about her like that! That isn't a way to talk about anyone, but definitely not Spencer, do you HEAR ME?"

"I'm just having fun, don't get your panties in a bunch because everyone knows about the dirty little secret you've been trying to keep all to yourself. Scared you might have to share now?" He raised his eyebrow.

Before Noel could even close his mouth after speaking, his jaw was met with Toby's fist.

"I warned you, Noel!" Toby got one more punch in before turning to comfort Spencer, only she was no where to be seen.

xx

Spencer didn't know where she was going, she just knew she had to get out of there. Everybody was laughing and talking and pointing, and it wasn't just at her – it was about Toby, too. She felt the guilt on her chest like an elephant sleeping on top of her. Her legs just ran down the hallway with no consciousness about where they might take her.

Toby ran down the halls frantically, asking everybody if they'd seen Spencer. When he finally found her, she was against the wall around the corner, sitting against the back wall of the school towards the alleyway on one side, and the wooded area behind school on the other - place no one really went except janitorial staff and drug dealers.

"Spencer," he crouched down. "what are you doing out here? Are you okay?"

She wasn't answering him, and in fact just pulled herself tighter into a ball. He thought she was crying and bent down next to her, but then realized she was actually hyperventilating and having a panic attack.

"Spencer, breath," he pulled her from the wall, trying to rub her back. "You're going to pass out if you don't get some fresh air." He had seen some guys have panic attacks after long, grueling practices. But this was different.

She sobbed into his chest, hating that he was there, wanting to be without him. It was almost making it worse that he was there with her.

She started to push against him, flailing and further panicking in his arms, but he refused to let up on his grip on her. Eventually her body fell limp in his arms, and she took several gasping deep breaths.

"Shhhh…it's okay, thatta girl. Keep breathing."

"I'm…I'm..I…" she started, but he just pulled her in closer, she was basically in his lap by this point like a disgruntled baby to their parent.

"Don't talk, just calm down." He pushed her hair out of her face and removed her sunglasses so he could wipe her eyes. This made her blush more, but let him because she was too tired and weak from her emotional breakdown to fight with him.

It wasn't just about Noel. It was about Toby, it was about all of her bottled up feelings, it was about her parents, it was about college, and it was about Wren. The girl just wasn't big enough to hold all of her stressors inside, and she'd finally blown her top in the form of a serious, full blown anxiety attack.

"I'm…I'm sorry," she finally choked out, fresh tears spilling from her puffy brown eyes as she pushed out of his arms to stand, brushing the dirt from her bottoms.

"Spence," He got up, his hands hovering at her sides as if she were so fragile she might fall right back down again.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," she yelled louder than he even knew her voice could go. She was agitated and emotional.

"But why are you sorry…"

"Because you're always saving me and I'm always hurting you," she mumbled honestly, her emotions running to high for her to try to lie or sugar coat it.

"What are you talking about?" Toby furrowed his eyebrows.

"Nothing…we're both already late for class…we should get back inside." She sid as she put her sunglasses back over her bloodshot eyes and pulled her hair out of her face.

But he grabbed her hand instead and stopped her.

"I don't want you to go back in there," he said sweetly. "I don't want you to get hurt anymore."

"I…" she started, but felt like she might cry again.

"Can I please take you somewhere? You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to…but I do hope you'll listen to some things I have to say… We can do whatever you want. Come on Spencer, be spontaneous and do something for yourself for just one time in your life. We can go to the movies, the promenade for food, the mall… Anywhere. Just let me take you away from here and let me talk to you, for just a little while. If you hate it, I'll-"

She cut him off. "Fine…" she felt surprised as he kept hold of her hand as they walked around to the parking lot, only moving to interlock their fingers.

Toby suddenly felt really happy that he'd taken his truck instead of his bike today, because he didn't have an extra helmet for her. He opened her door for her like perfect gentleman and then walked around to his side.

"Where to?" He started the car.

"Anywhere but here," her face scrunched up like she might cry again.

"I have an idea," he stopped at the 7-11 before coming back into the car with a bag and driving away.

They drove for what felt like a few hours, but Spencer didn't bother to look at the time. After about 45 minutes of driving, he finally broke the silence.

"For the record, I like saving you. Although I guess I'd be happier if you didn't need to be saved in the first place."

"I…"

"Spencer, if you say sorry… I swear," he laughed.

Her lips softened into a small smile.

"Did you skip school because of me…and what happened?" He furrowed his eyebrows. "Be honest,"

"I actually had some college interviews… UPenn and Princeton."

"Oh…that's exciting! But if you didn't skip because of me…why didn't you respond to the flowers?"

"Yeah…not really. I hate both schools." She laughed. "Melissa went to UPenn so I'm supposed to love it, but that's part of the reason why I really hate it. I know, mature right?"

He laughed a little. "Well to be fair that's also not the most mature reason to pick it in the first place…"

"Wait…what were you saying about flowers?"

"I sent you flowers…"

"Oh…"

"You never got them?"

"No…"

"Oh." He sighed. When she didn't respond, he decided to keep going, trying to reel her back in to their previous conversation. "I was at a conference on Monday for scouts at USC. I've got a full-ride and a promise of a starting position on the team come the fall. I think I'm going to take it."

"That's a great school! I'm really proud of you. They had to look at your academics at least a little bit." She teased, secretly sad that he'd be so far away. At the same time, really happy that he would be so far away – it would be easier to forget about him when he was on the other side of the country. Out of sight; out of mind. Right?

"Yeah. It's a little scary to think about starting over on the West Coast, but also kind of exciting. It'll be an adventure."

She nodded, wishing she could start over somewhere else, too. She knew no matter what happened she'd end up at UPenn like Melissa, in the same courses as Melissa, forever being compared to Melissa.

xx

The rest of the drive was kind of quiet again. Overall, they'd driven for just about two and a half hours to a beach in Wildwood, NJ. It wasn't quite beach season yet, and it was 11AM on a weekday, so there wasn't anyone in sight. He unpacked the bag from his backseat, grabbed something from the bed of his truck, and pulled her from the car.

"Come on!" He yelled as he ran, daring her to run behind. And she did. They skidded in the sand, throwing themselves down on the cool, sinking floor in a bundle of laughter.

He unfolded a large blanket and pulled out an array of junk and PB&J's he'd bought at 7-11. He even remembered that she liked chocolate coconut water, even though he thought it tasted like chalk.

"What is this?" She smiled a little, seeing his makeshift picnic setup.

"The water heals everything…my mom used to say that." He smiled fondly at the memory of his mother. "Besides, a good picnic certainly never did anybody any harm.

"Alright, fine." She grabbed the coconut water he'd bought for her. "But why are you doing this with me?"

"For you," he corrected, and she blushed. "Spencer, why do you think that I brought you here? Why do you think that I came outside today after I punched one of my best-friends for you? Why do you think I slept with you?"

She blushed on the last one, remembered that he'd seen her in her most vulnerable states – both physically and emotionally.

"Because you're a nice guy and because…I don't know. Because I let you?"

"I'll admit, Spencer, that I've never really been with a girl because I had any feelings for her,"

"I'm not upset about it." She interjected. "I'm sorry that you're embarrassed about people knowing…but don't worry, I don't expect anything…if I made it—"

He cut her off with his lips.

"What was that for?" She said surprised, her hand going to her lips.

"Can you just let me finish?" he laughed. "I've never been an emotional guy or even the boyfriend type. But you…you, uh. You changed that. Because the only reason I didn't pursue anything more sooner was because I cared about you, a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. You don't even know. And it's crazy for me because I never get hung up on girls, they kinda just come and go. But with you I realized I never really wanted you to go." He was nervous and stuttering, his eyes kept flickering to the ground. She'd never seen Toby Cavanaugh nervous.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that when I told you I was embarrassed…it wasn't because people found out about me and you. I'm embarrassed that I lead you on for so long under the pretenses of a game…when it was very much _not _a game for me. Not for a long time. I never, ever should have used you like that. I'm embarrassed of my behavior, because I should have just sucked it up and given into all the nervousness I had about you…and asked you if you'd stop playing the game…and trade in for the real thing." He bit his lip.

"I used you first…it's my fault. I'm so pathetic...it's my fault, not yours…"

"Spencer…you're not listening to me. I'm not embarrassed of you. In fact, I want the whole world to know because I'm _so lucky _that a girl as funny and strong and brave and intelligent as you would even give me a chance. A girl who has no idea how great she is, and even though I hate that, I'm so lucky because if you knew what catch you were there's no way in hell you'd be caught dead with me. I don't want to play a game anymore. I haven't wanted it to be a game in months, I'm just a coward. Spencer…you've completely and totally taken over everything in my head and my heart and…now I'm just embarrassing myself and rambling…and what I'm really hoping is that you'll want to be my girlfriend? For real this time…"

Spencer just sat in front of him, her jaw seeming to hang open as he talked. And then, she just started to laugh. She laughed so hard she rolled over onto her side, half of her on the blanket and the other half in the sand.

"What's so funny?" he frowned.

"That was a good one," she laughed. "Are you, like, recording this or something? Did Ali put you up to this?"

"What?! Spencer, look at me," he crawled over to her and practically straddled her to hold her down and make her look at him, his eyes full and serious, darting into hers directly.

"Spencer, why won't you let me in? Stop pushing me away... Tell me you don't feel the same way and I'll leave you alone… but you need to know it was never, ever a joke to me. Sure, it was a game at first… but Spencer…for the past…I don't even know how long. It's been nothing but the real thing for me. I've never felt like this before and I know it's scary because I'm scared too, but Spencer. Let me in…"

She stopped laughing. "But it's wrong…" she mumbled.

"What? Spencer…stop hating yourself and try to see the girl I see. Please?"

"You make me happy." She smiled up at him, not bothering to try to move from their positions on top of one another.

"Then I don't see what the problem is." He grinned big.

"The problem is that we don't belong together. I'm not your kind. You're popular and a jock and have lots of friends…and I'm…_Freak Hastings."_

_"_Don't you EVER call yourself that again," he said more hastily than he meant to. "I hate hearing that."

"But it's true! Don't you realize the torture we'd get if we were together? I don't want that anymore. I don't want that for you… I already feel so sorry about how you got roped into this whole poster thing with Ali… everyone was laughing at the both of us…"

He just laughed, almost as hard as she had been previously.

"It's not funny!" She exclaimed.

"How is it after all of the bad things that have happened to you, _you're_ still apologizing to _me?"_

"I stopped worrying about me a long time ago." She said softly. "You deserve to be with somebody who makes your life easier, not harder."

"You _do _make it easier, though, Spence. You made me different. Smarter, sure. But Calculus isn't the only thing I've been improved on since September."

She blushed. "Toby…"

"You deserve to be happy, Spencer. You deserve so much more than the hand you've been dealt. It's only human to want to be wanted and to be happy. You have to stop feeling badly and put yourself first."

"If that's true… why was everything so much easier and simpler before you helped me get friends… before I was happy, everyone else was so much happier… now I've ruined everything. Ali's out to get you, and probably Holden and Aria next. I'm toxic."

"Spencer Hastings stop this right now." He said sternly. "You're insane."

"It's the truth, Toby."

"Do you like me or not? In an ideal world – in your ideal life – am I in it?"

"Yes, but—"

"So it's settled." He interrupted her. "If I make you happy, and you make me _very _happy, we are going to have the _happiest _time from here on out_. Together."_

"Toby…"

"Don't you dare argue with me woman" he laughed and planted a kiss on her forehead.

"Toby," she started one last time. "You can stop trying to convince me. I want to be with you." She smiled, the words felt foreign coming out of her mouth. "If I'm telling the truth… it hasn't been a game for me in quite some time, either… that's why when I thought it would have to be over… I wanted to sleep with you. I wanted to have everything with you that I could. You were my first kiss and my first friend and I just wanted to be greedy and have that one last thing… But then I got greedier and wanted it even more…I want to be with you, Toby. I have for so long." She pulled him down next to her, giggling, so she could snuggle up into him.

"I was your first kiss?" He laughed and kissed her head.

"Don't laugh! I was a dork, okay."

"You're sweet, that's what you are." He pulled her into him.

"Was Ali the reason you wanted to stop?" He said carefully, once she'd settled into him. "I know your parents didn't think I gave you the pills."

"Can we not make this about Ali?" She groaned into his shoulder.

"I just want to know what's hurt you…" He sighed.

"I just want to focus on us," she pleaded. "Please."

"Fine." He sighed.

xx

They had snuggled together on the beach, eventually going down to get their toes wet, until it got dark. He had even threatened to throw her in, tossing her over his shoulder and roughhousing and kissing in the sand as they fell on top of one another.

"I don't want to go inside," she pouted as he pulled up in front of her house.

"I can call you when I get home." He smiled.

"But as soon as I get out of this car," she blushed. "I'm going to have to face the fact that today was probably all just a dream. I'm going to go up to my room and wake up from a dream or something."

He chuckled and planted a long, wet kiss on her lips. "Was that real enough for you?" He smirked.

"You're ridiculous," she laughed, giving him a quick peck before jumping out of the car.

"Goonight, _girlfriend."_ He smiled as she shut the door.

She beamed. "Goodnight," she ran inside, straight up to her room, waiting for her phone to ring, to know that she hadn't made it all up.

Toby called her the second he got inside. "I already miss you," he admitted.

"You're silly," she laughed.

"You're beautiful." He retorted. She was too busy blushing, regaining the beauty and light starting to trickle through her veins, slowly but surely.

"Spencer," he didn't wait for her response. "If Ali or if anybody…anybody at all gives you any more problems…Promise me you'll tell me so I can fix it?"

"You don't have to be my Superman or something, Toby. I'm a big girl."

"So was Lois Lane… doesn't mean she didn't belong with Superman." He laughed.

"You really are a big dork." She smiled. "Goodnight."

She hung up, smiling.

Her father barged into her room not minutes later. "Why did the school call saying you never showed up today?! Where were you young lady?!"

"Uh…I was at the nurse in the morning, so I never showed up for homeroom. That's all."

"Spencer, I don't like this lying business. What the hell is the matter with you? First Wren, now this?"

"I'm sorry," she got up and walked past him. "I'm going to take a shower." She went into the bathroom, unable to be shaken from the high Toby Cavanaugh had her on. She, finally, was _happy._

_I hope this still feels the same in the morning, _She prayed. _I'm finally getting something I want. Please, please let me keep it for just a little while._

_xx_

On the other side of town, Toby laid in his bed feeling satisfied that he'd finally manned up to say what he needed to. Well most of it. _I love her,_ he thought.

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><p><strong>Hope everyone liked it! Please review this as much as you did the last chapter! It was so exciting to have such a big response!<strong>

**Reviews…**

**Spoby312: Thanks! I was worried it wouldn't go over well! To make up for the torture I made this happier.**

**Spobyfeed183: Hope this gesture made you happy! More to come!**

**Guest: Ali will not be a victor in this story. Period. Wren will also be shown to be the loser he is.**


	10. Words I Couldn't Say

**A/N: Thank you as usual for the reads and reviews! I'm a bit disappointed that the chapter before last got 20+ reviews and the last one only got about 5. I'm aiming for 7-10 for this chapter! This ones a bit slow/long in my opinion. I also didnt proof read it oops lol. Happy reading! Please review! Xox ~**

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><p>Spencer couldn't sleep all night. She kept waking up and re-reading his name in her recent caller list. <em>I can't believe this is real. I hope we can stay together for a while. I know that it isn't likely and it's even possible that this isn't even real, that maybe he has another agenda or just likes me because I put out or feels obligated and guilty…but even if that's true… it's still an opportunity I never expected to have and I don't deserve to be this happy. <em>She looked like her smile was painted on, and she kept laughing to herself at her own giddiness. _I just hope he realizes what being with me means. He won't be Mr. Popular anymore… maybe I'm being guilty. Maybe I should call the whole thing off. You were supposed to protect him but you just got so…greedy. You're never strong enough to do the right thing. I don't want him to be made fun of. I don't want him to hate me and I don't want him to be disappointed and embarrassed of me like everyone else. He's perfect._ She sighed, sleepily. It was 5:56 a.m. and she had to be out of the house in four hours. She drifted off slowly, her hesitations melting into her pillow for the moment.

Across town, Toby was fast asleep by now. But he was dreaming of Spencer. The dream was a pretty accurate re-telling of the events that transpired the week prior when he'd taken her virginity. Only this time when it was over, she didn't leave. They started all over again…

xx

The next morning, Toby came over around noon to surprise Spencer and see if she'd want to go for a walk with him or into town for a while to walk around the promenade and get ice cream or coffee. He'd woken up super aroused and thinking about her, and it only made him feel guiltier about how he'd used her and ultimately took her innocence in the end without any real regard for her feelings. He loved her, but he hadn't told her yet. He cared for her even when the action was carried out, but she hadn't known it yet. He really thought she might have a clue, but she had the self-esteem comparable to the Hunchback of Notre Dame. She had no idea how nervous he got around her, and how uncharacteristic that was of him – she was just too perfect to him. It didn't matter that she wasn't popular, or that her hair was often a mess, or that she'd never quite grown out of the tall and lanky phase most people grew out of post-middle school. To him, she was a ball of butterflies in his stomach and that meant something.

To prove it, he woke up and decided that he wanted to go back in time. He wanted to pretend that their game had never happened, and that they could date for real for a while before jumping into it. She deserved to be courted. He never did much of the dating thing, but he knew girls liked to be taken out. He wanted to make sure she knew he was serious.

When the door finally swung open, Peter Hastings stood in front of Toby.

"The boyfriend," Peter grabbed Toby's shoulder in encouragement.

"Toby," he re-introduced himself to the man he'd met at least a handful of times.

"Toby," Peter repeated. "Here for Spencer I presume," he laughed, taking his watch from the table near the doorway and latching it around his wrist. "How's that going? I'm shocked after all the trouble Spencer's put everyone through this year you're still around. Actually, I'm not that surprised. Just be safe, I don't want another Hastings family crisis. That last one was close, I thought we were going to have to join a new country club. What a mess that drug thing could have been, right?" He joked, looking Toby in the eyes.

Toby's head was cocked at Peter. He was wondering if he was actually hearing the words that were coming out of his mouth correctly. His eyes widened when he realized Peter had implied that the only reason he might still be with Spencer was that Spencer was sleeping with him so he'd stay. The thought sent a sharp pain through his chest, feeling badly about his dream the night before, and even worse that her own father thought so little of her worth and her dignity. _Does he know? Did she tell him? Or maybe she told her mom or Melissa to go on the pill or something? Or is he just assuming because he's cruel? _Toby normally would have been worried about a girl's dad knowing what he'd done to their little girl… but this was different. He just felt an overwhelming sense that he needed to protect Peter's little girl from Peter.

"I'm not embarrassed of Spencer or anything that happened this year. It's really been no trouble, sir." Toby said sternly, almost aggressively, while still trying to kill Peter with kindness. "And for your information, Spencer and I are just fine and our being together has nothing to do with anything like _that. _Your wife actually implied the other day that she thought Spencer would get pregnant. If you two are so worried, maybe you should talk _to _her – like you actually care about her – rather than _about _her." Toby spat through his teeth. He was trying so hard to be respectful and not punch Mr. Hastings in the jugular.

"What are you trying to accomplish? Mr. Football, right? No way you're trying to get into law school, is there?"

"Do you think I'm using Spencer to network with you?" Toby's eyes narrowed; he felt his whole face heat up.

"My wife is one of the best criminal attorneys on the whole Eastern Seaboard, we're partners at the firm – both of us. I've got clients coming to me from across the country. You'd have to know that that would help you."

"I don't want to be a lawyer, Mr. Hastings. I'm not emotionless enough for that." He said more aggressively than before. "I'm with your daughter because I love her very much, and she deserves to have someone in her life who tells her just how much she means to this world, because she certainly doesn't get it anywhere else." He narrowed his eyes at Peter, making sure to make piercing eye contact as he did so. He hated her parents more and more each time he interacted with them. They legitimately never had one nice thing to say about Spencer. _Why does she want their approval so much? She works so hard but they're such pricks. She shouldn't care._

Peter chuckled a bit to himself. Toby's jaw clenched, his hand in his pocket making a fist.

"Whatever you say, boy. Whatever you say. When you're ready to talk law schools you can make an appointment with my assistant." He gave Toby a business card from his suit pocket. Toby decided it wasn't worth engaging in this anymore and just took it to end the conversation.

"I came for Spencer… is she home?"

"She's upstairs, go ahead." He moved out of the way to let Toby up. Toby took the stairs two at a time, wanting to squeeze Spencer and to make her feel loved. After hearing all of the horrible things Peter said, he felt an overwhelming need to apologize to her. No one deserved be so disrespected by the very people that brought them into the world.

But when he reached Spencer's room, she wasn't there. He checked the hallway and saw her bathroom light was out and the door cracked open.

He sat on her bed, lying back for a moment to regain his energy from his interaction downstairs. He texted her a picture message of him laying on her bed.

"_Here for you. Miss you, lady. ;)" _

He exhaled loudly, trying to blow off the anger he had.

After a few moments he went downstairs again, sure that she wasn't anywhere on the Hastings' property.

"She's not home," he said to Peter on his way out. He found it despicable that her own father had no idea where she might even be, and from the looks of it, had little concern.

"Bye, then." Peter locked the door behind Toby.

Toby's phone buzzed when he got situated in his truck. "Spencer," he smiled.

"What are you doing? Are you in my room?"

He laughed. "I just left."

"Why were you in my room?"

"Your dad let me up. He thought you were home."

"Oh… well good. I didn't want them to know where I was anyway."

"Where are you? Is everything okay?" Toby's voice suddenly cracked with a bit of worry.

"I'm fine," she laughed. "I'm at dance. I'll be here most of the weekend preparing for the showcase."

"Where is that?"

"Not far. Ten minutes or so north on Oak Street. Get out of there and I'll meet you later, if you want." She smiled.

"No, uhm, that's okay. Do your thing," he said sounding distracted.

Spencer pouted, her face feeling her disappointment before her emotions could catch up. She wondered if she'd already somehow messed this up.

"I gotta go, Spencer. Bye." He hung up quickly before starting up his car again.

Spencer put her phone back in her bag and took a swig from her water bottle. _I was expecting this. Just not so soon… _She went back to her choreography, channeling her creativity to dance instead of sulking about how she'd messed something up.

xx

Spencer had her music on loud, the weather was beautiful and sun filled the entire dance studio from the big glass entrance, and she was finally alone and able to be herself. Not like at home or school. This was her safe place. Well, one of them. Toby's bedroom was up there, too. Or maybe just Toby, period. _Toby._ The boy she longed to see, the boy she was sure would find a reason not to be with her at any moment. She just sighed.

She was dancing passionately, moving across the spring-wood floors effortlessly, as if she'd become another entity three times the size of herself as she took up all of the space. The walls shook from the loudness of her music, her hair spilled out from her ponytail and stuck to her face and mixed with the sweat on her forehead. Her tights were ripped, and her chest was heaving as she tried to catch her breath and prepare to run through the vigorous routine one more time, leaning against the mirrored wall as she breathed. She was looking down, trying to read notes from her notepad on possible choreography as she caught her breath and sipped at her water when she suddenly heard some loud noises. She wasn't sure if her ears were ringing from the music and lack of oxygen able to get to all of her after the moving around she just did, or if something was actually there. She immediately turned toward the stereo system near the door, assuming some discs had fallen or maybe the remote for the system she'd balanced against the wall. But when she looked up, she was so shocked she dropped her water bottle.

He stopped clapping and knelt down and picked up the bottle as it rolled near his feet. "That was awesome," he smiled, kissing her cheek and extending his hand to give her back her bottle.

"Toby…" she mumbled. "Don't…" she twisted away from him, "I'm sweaty. Don't touch me it's gross," she mumbled.

"It's _hot,"_ he corrected "Literally." He laughed at his joke. "But really, I had no idea you could do that."

She just blushed. "What are you doing here?"

"You said it wasn't far, so I came. I wanted to see what you do when you're not studying or with me," he pulled her in close, his thumb finding the spot on her spine that made her hum when he thumbed at it through her leotard. It was like her on/off switch. She always had a knot in her back, really badly in that particular spot. Whenever he found it, she always hummed and her tension lessened by at least 15%.

And like clockwork, she let out a small hum and leaned into him, going up onto her tiptoes to kiss him. "I have to work on my solo for the show, and I have a couple pieces to finish choreographing for other dancers to by in my exhibit."

"I know, you told me." He smiled.

"I can't go out right now. Even though I really want to. I'm sorry."

"Would you stop being sorry?!" He pulled her in closer, pushing his lips against her forehead for a long moment. The kiss caused her to wiggle in his arms and twist free from his grip. "I said that's gross! I'm a sweaty mess stop!" She laughed and whined as she broke free momentarily from his grasp. But he was fast and snatched her back up within seconds, pulling her into him and tickling her sides, watching her flop around as she screamed and laughed before finally stopping and collapsing on the floor with her. They were facing the mirrored wall and had landed on her notebook. She wiggled once more to get the notebook out from under their legs. "I need these to not get destroyed," she laughed as she leaned against his back after throwing the book towards her bag in the corner. She was situated between his legs, her back leaning against his chest, her hands on her stomach. His hands wrapped around and met hers, and he lifted one to pull hair behind her ear, watching carefully in the mirror in front of them. He poked his head into the nook of her neck and kissed her hard, and squeezed her hands.

"Look at that perfect couple in the mirror," he whispered in her ear. "Don't they look good together?"

She blushed, looking down.

"Spence, don't look down. Look at us," he encouraged. She just laughed before shyly looking up at the way he held her. It almost shocked her, seeing him really behind her.

He took out his phone from his pocket and snapped a mirror selfie. "Hey!" She laughed, he had gotten another shot while they were laughing, and it was adorably candid. He put the screen in front of both of them.

"Wait…I really love this one," she took his phone from him and zoomed in on their laughing faces, their eyes locked on one anothers'.

"Me too." He kissed her neck again before taking his phone back and opening up Instagram.

"What are you doing?" She said in a louder, maybe slightly panicky voice.

"I'm gonna post it…it's a good one." He smiled.

"Can you maybe just send it to me instead? Come on I'm all sweaty and I'm in this weird leotard," she said, pulling at the spandex lying flat against her tummy, watching it snap back to her body immediately.

"But we're so cute," he made a puppy face.

"Please?" She made a better puppy face.

"Fine," he smiled and texted the photo to her. "But I'm making it my phone background."

"Okay." She leaned back and kissed his lips. The real reason she didn't want him to post the photo was that she had decided that keeping their relationship as low-key and as secretive as possible was the only was she could be with him without it running his reputation. She understood fully that she was not something he was embarrassed of. She was adamant that he was just unaware and ignorant to the fact that her reputation could destroy his. He didn't understand why he _should_ be ashamed. But she was too happy to walk away. She decided that before she went to college, she deserved as much of this as she could get. College would be different, she hoped. But she also knew that there was a good chance she would be as big of a joke there as she was here. And so either way, she wanted to get in as much of the good stuff as possible. If this marked a change, she deserved to have some fun and prepare for college. If this was the best it was going to ever get for her, which was more likely in her mind, she wanted to make sure that she appreciate and basked in all of it. She wanted to make enough memories to last her long enough that she wouldn't have to feel depressed if she never made new ones. With him, she'd always have something to smile back on.

She didn't know it yet, but with him, she might always have something to smile about looking forward, too.

"I have to get back to work, really." She stood up, spinning around to pull him up.

"Can I stay and watch? I'll be quiet…"

"Uhmmm…" She was hesitant.

"I won't say a word." He smiled.

"Fine… but no laughing either."

"I wouldn't think of it," he kissed her head one last time, making a devilish look at her as he pulled away, knowing she would fight him. He sat in the corner near the stereo and pushed all the buttons and changed the discs for her the rest of the day.

She decided she liked having him there.

xx

The following Monday at school, Toby was waiting for her by her locker.

"I had a dream about you last night," he said pulling her to him as soon as she was within reach, connecting their lips.

Spencer pulled away quickly. "Can we not do that here?" She said as softly as she could.

Before Toby could protest, Aria and Holden came up to her locker. "AhhhhHhHhhH!" Aria screamed.

Holden just laughed. "Spencer, Tobe," he smiled at the couple and waved. "I have to get to the chem lab to get some extra help on my lab, I'll meet you after school at my car." He nodded towards Aria and left.

Aria started to scream again but Spencer play-punched her arm.

"Ow," Aria rubbed her shoulder. "You guys are FINALLY an item?! I was starting to think this big baby would never tell you about all his _feelings." _Aria teased, this time it was her turn to throw a play-punch at Toby.

"Shhhh," Spencer said softly.

"What's all the secrecy about? Also, if you're gonna keep it a secret, you probably shouldn't be tonguing in the hallway. Just saying. But also it was so cute and I'm SO HAPPY!" She bounced.

"She won't tell me," Toby narrowed his eyes.

"I just," she started, but the bell rung. "I have to go to class. Bye!" She said nervously chipper as she ran off towards her first class.

"She really is a weirdo," Toby joked, laughing as he walked with Aria to their first class, which they had together.

"But she's finally _your_ weirdo," Aria joked back, smiling big, happy for her best friends.

"Damn right. " he grinned.

Aria just laughed at him as they slid into their seats.

xx

Aria caught up with Spencer after school at her locker before Toby could get there.

"Girls night – you promised and you never came. We are hanging out tonight!" She exclaimed. "I want to know EVERYTHING."

"Uhmm…"

"Please?!" Aria begged "I have to go soon because Holden's driving me home, but please tell me you'll come over tonight? Hanna will be there too, we're renting _Magic Mike_ and _The Vow_ and having a Channing Tatum marathon. I have _Step Up_, too.

"Where are you going?" Toby came up, wrapping his arm loosely around Spencer's waist, his thumb hooking at the hem of her jeans.

"I'm trying to get your girlfriend to come out for girls' night tonight – you'll let her out for one night won't you?"

"Go, it'll be fun."

"I don't know…"

"Hanna is nice, I promise. And she's a sucker for a good romance. Like worse than me. She's gonna turn into goop when you tell us everything about you and this guy!" She pinched Toby's shoulder. "He wouldn't tell me anything this morning."

"What time?" Spencer finally sighed.

"EEeeeeeeep," Aria yelped. "Five. Don't eat dinner beforehand we're going to order pizza. See you later!" She ran out to Holden's car.

"Can I steal you until then?" Toby pulled into her and rested her forehead against his. Spencer nervously scanned the near-empty halls, her body tense in his arms.

"Spencer, what's the matter?" He asked, feeling her tense up in his arms.

"I just… I. Actually, nothing." She kissed him quickly, afraid of who might turn the corner. "Let's go somewhere." She left, hoping he'd follow. He did.

He met her at her car. "Your house?" She said softly.

"Yeah, let me take my truck. I'll meet you." He smiled.

xx

They met and he brought her to his backyard. It was big and colorful, his father liked keeping up his mother's gardening after she'd passed away.

He plopped down on the hammock and pulled her down on top of him, emitting a small yelp from her lips. It was April and the weather was beautiful.

"Would you tell me what's been on your mind all day?" he rubbed her back.

"Nothing," she said simply.

"Spencer…you can tell me about anything, don't you know that?"

She looked uneasy for a long moment before snuggling into him. "I'm just nervous about the showcase."

"Honey…it looks great so far."

"If it doesn't go well… if I'm not good at this, I don't know what I'll want to do besides this."

She was only half serious. She was nervous about the showcase, but she knew deep down she'd never be a dancer anyway. She knew she'd never own her own studio or teach little girls and boys to use their bodies, and to love their bodies. She hated hers for too long. She still wished she could unzip the back of her skin and step out of what she was sure was a Hastings' costume. But it was her real life.

She was more nervous about being with Toby. Truth was, aside from kissing and foreplay and sex, she didn't know a thing about being with a man romantically. She was walking on eggshells; terrified of losing whatever it was they had. She was sure she was going to be the one to mess this up.

"You're going to be famous some day and I'll just be the boy you left behind in your shadow," he joked. She wanted to cry when he joked about being without her. They'd only been official for three days.

She didn't tell him her fears, though. She just leaned in and kissed him. And kissed him again. And kissed him until it was 5:05 and Aria was calling her phone inquiring why she wasn't already there. It was the only thing she knew she was good at.

"I have to go for real this time." She laid the last of several "last kisses" on his lips before running towards his car. He just smiled, totally oblivious to how scared and nervous his girlfriend was of losing him, or how sometimes the love he thrust upon her felt more like a burden weighing heavy on her shoulders because no one taught her how to carry it. No one taught her how to _love._

xx

"Hanna, you know Spencer, right? Spencer, Hanna." Aria hummed as she plopped down on her bed next to her blonde bestie.

"You're the girl who was all over Toby at that party…poster girl." Hanna chomped on her gum.

Spencer immediately turned red, and Aria smacked Hanna.

"What?!" Hanna yelped. "It's true, isn't it?" She looked between both brunettes.

"It's okay," Spencer said softly. "That's me." She sounded almost apologetic.

Hanna nearly lunged towards her. "Okay, how is it _really_ with Toby?! This one won't tell me. Some friend, right?" Hanna rolled her eyes. "His abs are SO yummy."

Spencer looked at Aria, but didn't say anything. She suddenly felt even more inadequate. The brunette pixie was so cute and bold looking. Spencer was just tall and awkward.

"It was only the one time," Spencer admitted sheepishly. "He was really sweet, though."

"Oh my gosh you gave Toby your v-card?! Do you love him?"

_Yes, maybe…no. Yes. What?_ "We just…we were only friends but now…"

"She's being really weird about it for some reason! They're dating. Toby told me." Aria confirmed.

Spencer's face turned red.

"I think we need some storytime aide," Hanna laughed and hung over Aria's bed to pull out a bottle of wine from the cooler under her bed. She opened it and drank right from the bottle, and extended it to Spencer.

Spencer was hesitant, it was a school night and she wasn't the best at controlling herself when she was drunk. But, she wanted to loosen up. She took it and took a big sip. They passed around the bottle for a while as they watched _Step Up._

"Toby told me Spencer can dance like that" Aria drunkenly giggled

"Wait…wait I wanna hear about Toby and how you two got _together" _Hanna smirked.

"Well I was tutoring him which turned into tutoring and making out," Spencer drunkenly smiled in the wide, goofy kind of way she only did when she was alone thinking about her favorite boy. "And I knew I wasn't going to be tutoring him anymore so on the last time he asked if I wanted to and I said yes…and then Ali made those pictures," Spencer frowned. "I was only mad because of him not because of me," she explained incoherently. "But he made me stop crying and took me to the beach in New Jersey. And he made us a picnic and told me that he liked me and now he's my boyfriend…for now." She blushed, throwing her face into a pillow as she spilled the beans.

"They're perfect for each other," Aria smiled goofily.

"But what is he _like?_ He's always broing out with Caleb when I'm near him," Hanna made a fake puke face. "And he's popular and he dated _Ali._ I don't get him."

"He's a weirdo," Aria joked.

"He's too good for me," Spencer thought…and also said out loud. Although she hadn't meant to. "He tries to make me feel better than I am and I like it when he does that, but sometimes I think he believes it and I don't know what I'm going to tell him when he finds out I'm not …I'm just not." She said it effortlessly, almost laughing.

Hanna chuckled too, because she thought Spencer might be joking,. And she was drunk. And Spencer was drunk. So they just laughed.

But Aria heard every word. She liked Spencer a lot, and aside from Holden, Toby was her best friend. She knew what it was like to feel like you weren't good enough for someone who loved you. She loved Holden in a more-than-friends way, and Holden loved her in a best-friends way. She knew he thought the world of her, but also knew he'd never love her the way she loved him.

But it felt like Spencer's hesitations were different.

"He loves you," Aria blurted out. It froze Spencer up right away.

"Can we order pizza now," Drunk Hanna whined.

"Let's." Spencer agreed, refusing to acknowledge what Aria had said.

_Don't you dare remember this tomorrow, Spencer Hastings._ She reprimanded. She refused to hope for too much. It would only breed eternal misery.

xx

"What do you mean…of course I didn't tell her you and I…" Toby trailed off. He was agitated with Aria.

"Hanna drunkenly blurted it out," Aria apologized. "it was before you and her were really together," Aria justified. It had happened shortly after Spencer started tutoring Toby, just a few days after they'd made their _deal._ It was a party at Noel's and it just happened. But they were best friends and never revisited it again.

Spencer came to her locker and didn't say much to either of them. She felt hot inside out. She was awake half the night, long after she'd sobered up and gone home, about what Aria said. _He loves you, _the words rang in her ear. She prayed Aria was exaggerating.

"I'm glad you came last night," Aria tried, looking nervously at Toby.

"I had a lot of fun. I liked Hanna. She's funny. Maybe next time you can come over my place. We have a projector to watch movies outside…my sister and her boyfriend bought it for my dad for his birthday."

"Sounds fun!" Aria smiled. The bell rang and Aria ran off, and so did Spencer.

"Hey, wait." Toby pulled her in for a kiss. "I'll see you after school." She nodded at his words and walked away quickly.

xx

After school, Toby had her come over again. She requested they just watch a movie and not go out anywhere, and he agreed. She was quiet the whole time, silently snuggled in a ball half on top of him. He just rubbed her back.

"Aria told me about what Hanna said…about Aria and I."

"It's not a big deal," Spencer shook it off.

"I know you're upset."

"That's not what it is. I'm just nervous."

"I didn't know how much I liked you yet," he justified.

"Stop talking about this," she mumbled softly.

"I just want you to know that it was a one time thing,"

"It's okay, Toby."

"Spencer…talk to me."

"Why was it a one time thing?" She said softly. "She's beautiful and funny and you guys are really close."

"She's my friend,"

"That's what you used to call me…" she reminded him. "How do I know what the difference is between her and me? I mean…she's prettier and…"

He stopped her by putting his fingers to her lips. "Because, it just is. You mean everything to me and I wish you'd see that. Aria never meant more than a friend to me. You never meant just friends… ever since I got to know you…"

"Toby?" she whispered. "I need you to promise me something?"

"Anything," he nibbled at her ear, raspy whispers lingered in her ear.

"When this is all over, can we still be…friends? You were my first real friend and you're my best friend and you are Aria are still friends so that means you and I can be, right?"

"Spencer…I don't plan on ending this anytime soon." His voice softened and he stroked her hair.

"Just please…promise me I won't be alone…" she looked like she might cry.

"Never in a million years," he kissed the side of her head. "But Spencer, I want to be with you for a very long time," he looked her in the eyes.

"Can we just drop it?" She scooted up on the bed, wiping her face.

He was hesitant, but he thought that that was the only thing on her mind – the fear, he expected was from this being her first relationship and now she'd feel better.

But her real fear was what would happen when Ali realized it was all real. And what would happen when she stole Toby back from Spencer, as she'd promised to do.

But for now, her mind was at peace, because her body was wrapped up in her safe place.


	11. Endless Love

**A/N: I'm a bit disappointed with the lack of reviews for the past two chapters, but as promised, I've been contacted five times so here is a new chapter. I'd appreciate chapter reviews – positive or negative – if you're reading! I like to know what you're thinking. As always, thank you to my few readers who consistently review every chapter. J It makes my day to hear from all of you. Anyways, THIS IS MY FAVORITE CHAPTER SO FAR AND IM SO EXCITED TO FINALLY SHARE IT WITH YOU ALL.**

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><p>A few weeks passed, and Spencer was finally starting to be comfortable with her relationship with Toby. She trusted him and spent almost every day with him.<p>

Despite trusting Toby and slowly opening herself up to him and letting him consume all of her, Spencer was still hesitant about being close with him at school. She often was avoiding his kisses and handholding in the very public hallways where Ali had eyes everywhere, and all of them were judgmental. She was finally accepting that Toby wanted to be with her, but she was still filled with fear. She was afraid he would change his mind, and ever more afraid that he would be taken away from her.

Toby noticed how she would pull away, but chalked it up to stress. She'd mentioned it a few times, and he was oblivious enough to believe her – completely unaware of the whole story of what Ali had done to Spencer, and the lingering threats between his wicked ex-girlfriend and his more helpless, innocent new girlfriend.

But it wasn't all lies. Spencer was feeling extremely pressured to do well. Part of her truly thought that if it went well enough, her parents might see that her time dancing wasn't wasted. She might be able to give them something to be proud of. As Spencer's showcase for dance got closer and closer, she was spending more and more of her time at the dance studio. Toby would often stop by, knowing she had long rehearsals, and often stayed even later than she needed to because she wanted this to be perfect. Sometimes he just wanted to surprise her, or bring her dinner, or just sit with her late nights and control the stereo for her. He was more impressed with her every day, and loved to just watch her in her element. He especially loved to watch her when she didn't know he was there, because it was so rare that he could see her completely let go. Even in their rawest moments, she rarely let go. He was constantly reminding her when they were alone or being intimate that she could let go.

Toby stood in the observation window, watching her teaching the other dancers in her showcase perfect the choreography. When he saw the other dancers head out for the night, he ran downstairs to meet her inside. He had come to bring her dinner and hopefully bring her home before 11pm.

"Toby," her face lit up, her arms quickly latching around his neck. She acted surprised and thankful and like it was the first time every time he came. It made him feel special and made him like coming even more.

"Please take a break, I brought you the soup and panini you like from the Grille."

"I guess I could take a little break," she squeezed his shoulders and leaned upwards to kiss him. He smiled into the kiss and pulled on her hand. "Come on, it's going to get cold." He pulled her into the reception area and sat with her on the floor, pushing her sandwich and soup towards her, and taking out a tuna melt and fries for himself.

"You've been here since school ended, you're here every day. Please let me take you home early tonight? I need to see you out of this studio and out of dancewear," he smirked, his hand on her knee.

She blushed. "We were together two nights ago," she reminded him, smiling when she thought of his hands on all the parts of her she kept hidden, making them all feel different and pretty. Her cheeks were flushed. They hadn't slept together more than a handful of times, but it made her feel a weird kind of importance when they did.

"You still need a break." He said, taking a big bite of his sandwich.

"I'll rest when the showcase is over." She sighed. "Only a few more days."

"When is this thing again?" He mumbled with his mouth full. She laughed and pushed a napkin towards him.

"Friday." She said, blowing on her soup to cool it before taking a spoonful.

"This Friday? Like in three days?"

"Mhmm," she nodded. "Then I'll have a little more time for you," she smiled. She was much more talkative and nearly fearless with him now. There was something about the way he grabbed her, and kissed her, and was gentle and encouraging, and the way he remembered the things she spoke about that made her know that she was safe with him. Above all, the way he _wanted _to be so public with her, unaware of all of the possible negative consequences, showed her just how much she might mean to him, and definitely made him mean even more to her. He was her sun, moon and stars. He wouldn't hurt her intentionally.

"Good," he leaned forward to kiss her. "So, do I need like, a ticket for this or anything?"

"You want to come?" She looked up at him, actually surprised.

"Are you kidding?" He laughed a little bit. "I've sat and watched you almost every day. Of course I'm going to come to see how it turns out."

"You really don't have to…" she argued. "It'll be like, two hours long…"

"Spencer, I'm coming even if it's 22 hours long. It's important to you, so it's important to me. Because you're important to me."

She blushed. "I really appreciate that. I wasn't expecting any guests." Her eyes flickered down, but she quickly looked back up at him leaned forward to reach his hands. "It starts at 6:30."

"Your parents aren't coming? Or Melissa and Wren?" He asked quickly, as if he'd forgotten how little her parents actually cared. He knew more than she did how quick they were to be so hateful towards their youngest daughter.

"No," she shook her head. "I didn't tell them about it yet. I don't think they're interested."

"But it's your senior year… your last big show."

"It's more than enough that you're coming." She smiled, but he could tell that the smile was empty and she was lying. She so desperately craved even an ounce of pride from her parents. She wanted them to see how hard she'd been working.

"You should invite them," he squeezed her hands. "If they know it's important to you, they'll come."

She ignored him, afraid to find out that that wasn't true. "You can buy tickets at the door. They're $10, but I'll pay for your ticket if you come early."

"I'll buy my ticket…stop worrying. Can you buy them in advance?"

"When the receptionist is here, yeah." She nodded towards the desk where the receptionist sat during regular business hours.

"Is there anywhere special you want to go for dinner after your show? I'll make reservations."

"You don't have to make this a big deal," she repeated, feeling embarrassed but also really wonderful about how he cared so much about something, simply because she cared.

"Spencer, I want to take you out to celebrate. You've been busting your ass."

"Well then just surprise me." She smiled. "But nothing too fancy." She quickly added in.

He rubbed her shoulders. "You need to relax, it's going to go great. You're so tense."

"I just…it's my last chance to prove that this is what I want to be doing."

"It's going to be fine." He got up to throw away the garbage from his dinner and the empty container from her soup. She hadn't finished her sandwich. When he returned she was starting to get up.

"Hey hey hey, not yet." He pushed her back down and sat behind her. "You need rest." He started to massage her shoulders and neck, feeling how tight her muscles were. She let out a soft groan.

"Let me help you relax," he said softly in her ear as he dug his thumbs into her back and spine, which soon turning into kissing up and down her back.

"Toby…" she moaned, half laughing. "We can't."

"No one's here…" he smiled, kissing the back of her shoulder.

"Toby…" She whined, "Come on, I have to practice. Just a few more times."

"Shhhh…just trust me." He smiled and continued to kiss her shoulder while massaging her. She leaned into it, realizing she really did need to loosen up her muscles. He crawled around to her front side and touched her shoulders again, and her arms, and then her calves, which were especially sore. He massaged her feet, tickling her and causing her to erupt into laughter. But then he worked out her calves once more, and her thighs.

"Thank you," she moaned a little. "But now I have to work. Really."

"I'm not done," he smiled.

She narrowed her eyes at him, but let him continue to massage her thighs. Her legs were very sore. He crept up to the tops of her thighs, and grazed over the fabric between her legs, causing her to jump back a bit.

"Trust me, I'm going to help you." He smiled and leaned forward to kiss her lips.

"I trust you," Spencer said breathily. She figured she would stop him before it got too far, because it would be totally wrong to have sex in the middle of her dance studio.

**xx**

He kept alternating between her legs and the spot between. He pulled aside the fabric of her leotard and her underwear and leaned in towards her center. She got nervous and went to pull back, but he beat her to it and let his tongue find her warm, moist center. He teased at her center and held her at her hips as she moaned and writhed against his lips. He looked up at her only slightly to see her back arched and her head back, her hands grabbing at the carpet; he was fully enjoying this view. She was letting him into noises he'd never before heard from her, feeling her shake and loosen before him like she'd never been able to do before.

He kissed her and explored this area of her for the first time until he was sure she'd definitely _relaxed, _and loudly be might add, before very carefully and gently fixing her leotard and pulling her towards him into a hug, kissing her forehead. He laughed a little as she continued to shudder just a bit, and she thanked him with a big kiss on the lips. He'd never done that before and she'd never known that realm of pleasure before.

**xx**

"We can't do this here," she whispered in a raspy, weak growl in his ear. "I promise when we leave, I'll…" she started, imaging how she'd have to repay him.

"I'm done," he said simply. "I just wanted you to relax." He grinned.

She was amazed that he did that to her without expecting anything else back. "Are you sure?" She continued to lean into him, feeling warm in his embrace.

"Are you relaxed?" He pushed back to look into her eyes.

"Well, yes," she giggled and bit her lip shyly, recounting how she'd caught him watching her while she unraveled. "but I—"

He cut her off "Well then my job is done," he rubbed her arms and stood up, pulling her up with him. "Now go practice, but I'm taking you home at 10, 10:30 the latest." It was 9:15 then.

"Thank you for always taking care of me," she slung her arms around him, speaking dreamily.

"Don't mention it, just go! You're wasting time!" He laughed and directed her towards the room. She just laughed and ran her dance a few more times before finally letting them leave.

xx

The next day, Toby came back before school and purchased seven tickets to her showcase – one for himself, two for Aria and Holden, and four for Veronica, Peter, Wren and Melissa.

In school, as usual, he barely saw her. She ran from class to class, and only caught up with him at the end of the day when the hallways had mostly cleared.

After school, he rushed away from her, telling her to go to practice and that he'd see her later on. She was happy to hear that she'd see him again, and ran off to the studio to run rehearsal with the other dancers.

Instead of going home or hanging out with friends, Toby went straight to the Hastings house. He waited outside until Veronica pulled up and came up the walkway.

"Toby," she greeted him. "Are you waiting for Spencer?" She unlocked the door.

"I was actually hoping to talk to you or Mr. Hastings." He stuttered a bit. "Nothing's wrong and no one's pregnant or in crisis." He added quickly, unable to think about stomaching any more negative assumptions about his Spencer.

"Well I've only got a few minutes," she said walking into the house, and motioning for him to follow.

He held out an envelope containing the four tickets towards her. "Spencer's showcase…the one she told you about at the dinner at the club… it's this Friday night. She didn't want to bother you, but I know it would mean the world to her if you and Peter and Melissa and Wren, or any combination of you all could be there. She's been working so, so hard. Please don't disappoint her. Please make her happy, just this one time," he begged. "She needs to know you and your family care about her."

"That's very short notice," Veronica said, taking the envelope. "I'll see what I can do." She put the envelope on the table near the door. "Is that all?"

"Mrs. Hastings, please. It's only an hour or two. She needs you."

"I'll try," she said, unconvincingly. "If it means enough to her she'd send you here…"

"She didn't. I came on my own. Because I want you to surprise her – just once. She expects you to disregard this. She thought if she asked, she'd just get hurt. Please don't hurt her."

"Alright, Toby. Enough."

"I'll see you Friday," he said sternly before leaving and shutting the door behind him. But when he left, he ran into Spencer on her porch.

"Spence…" he laughed nervously.

"What were you doing in my house?"

"I forgot you told me you wouldn't be home…but now you are?" He said inquisitively.

"I forgot my choreography notebook," she said, fighting in her head between staying and finding out why he was really there and getting her book so she wouldn't have to postpone rehearsal any longer.

He made the decision easier for her by walking towards his car. "I'll meet you again for dinner. Text me if you have any requests," he said jogging towards his car and speeding off, nervous she would be mad at him for talking to her parents.

xx

Like clockwork, he came at the same time that night. "I brought milkshakes so you have to come soon unless you want strawberry soup," he laughed.

She joined him on the floor again and took the shake from him and took a sip. "Thank you," she said softly.

"How was rehearsal with the other girls? They're usually still here when I get here."

"It was really good. I let them go early so they can rest tomorrow and be ready for Friday."

"Good. You need a break, too."

"Toby, why were you in my house today? I saw you when I pulled up coming outside. And I didn't see you pull up before me which means you were inside for a while."

"I was, uhm, looking for you—"

"Toby, please don't lie to me," she frowned.

"Don't be mad," he started. "I brought tickets to your parents for them and your sister and Wren. I wanted them to be there for you because it's important. They should be proud of all the hard work you've put in for this."

Her eyes welled up a little bit, embarrassed that he'd surely heard the way her parents were the complete opposite of proud of her. She still didn't know that he'd spoken to her mother after the Adderall situation, and to her father more recently, and both times they assumed the worst in her. She'd be more than embarrassed if she knew what he'd heard, and so even though he was so angry, he kept it to himself.

"Thank you for trying…they're not coming, are they?" She wiped her eyes before the tears could fully fall. "It's okay, they're busy. I knew they wouldn't. It doesn't mean they don't care," she knew she was lying, but she hoped that he wouldn't know that.

"I think they are," he said, lifting her chin, meeting her gaze with a smile. "I think they know how important this is to you. I told them how hard you've been working. Your mom seemed on board," he seemed hopeful.

She smiled big. "You're a miracle worker," she kissed his forehead and hopping up, taking another sip of her shake and putting it aside. "I need to practice. If they come it needs to be perfect," she smiled. His heart broke a little bit at how happy the small gesture meant to her. How evident it was that after everything she'd been through, years and years of torture he hadn't been around for and this past year where he'd seen and heard the awfulness first-hand, that all she wanted deep down, still, was the approval of her family. It didn't matter how much he tried to love her for them, she would always feel a void where their approval might fit.

He watched her longingly, in awe of her as always.

xx

The next day he convinced her to only practice for an hour. He took her to a movie and had her home early so she could rest.

He barely saw her in school on Friday, even less than normal. She raced home on Friday without waiting for him, and went straight to the venue for the showcase to get all of her girls set up in costumes, the music and sound correct, and to get herself ready as well.

Toby stopped by the Hastings' house once more, and reminded Veronica to come support her daughter. She promised she would be there, and quickly rushed Toby out.

xx

Toby stopped before the showcase to buy Spencer flowers, and when he left, there was a huge accident on the highway and traffic was backed up so badly it wasn't even moving. He slammed on his steering wheel in frustration, wanting so badly to have been there early and now he was already ten minutes late. He called Aria and Holden, desperate to have them tell Spencer he was late, because her phone was just going to voicemail, but they confessed they were also caught in traffic, as they were coming straight from the self-defense classes they'd enrolled in together.

Across town, Spencer stood outside of the auditorium greeting the patrons arriving and handing them programs. She found herself watching dancers greet their excited families before heading backstage. She waited patiently to see her family, friends, or her loving boyfriend. Or really anybody besides dancers and dance teachers and loved ones of her dance colleagues. She wanted just one face there for her. She's gotten her hopes up so high, and she was crushed to stand there without a single person passing through the door who was there for her.

_He tried, really hard. He just forgot. It's okay. You didn't expect any of them to come anyway. He still cares about you. He's just a big goof. Maybe Mom and Dad are just running late. _She thought, trying to suppress her feelings being hurt. _This is what happens when you get hopeful. Don't expect anything and you won't get hurt. You know this, Spencer. _She reprimanded herself.

She got backstage and organized her dancers, said a few words thanking the audience and introducing her showcase and the themes consistent throughout the pieces, and introducing herself. She did so quickly, and joined her dancers on-stage.

There were eight pieces total, with an intermission in the middle, and a review session with her dance teachers and other dance professionals after the audience was dismissed.

Toby didn't arrive until the middle of the third dance, and Aria and Holden arrived shortly after him. He videotaped everything he was there for, so proud of his girlfriend and how she shined on stage.

Aria and Holden had to leave right after, but told Toby to tell Spencer how wonderful she was, and that they'd all catch up tomorrow. Toby waited in the hallway for Spencer to come out long after the audience had emptied, and after forty-five long minutes, he saw her leaving from the opposite sides' exit and into the parking lot, carrying garment bags and her duffle bag out into the rainstorm.

He jogged towards her and took the bags.

"Toby!" She smiled huge when she saw him. "You were here?"

"I was late," he admitted. She unlocked her car and helped him empty his hands before practically jumping onto him, not caring about the rain.

"I thought you all forgot to come," she admitted into his neck.

He put her down and encouraged her to get into the car before getting in beside her and out of the rain.

"There was a huge accident on 24, I was stuck for a while. I went to the florist and ended up late." He said, reaching into is backpack and pulling out a bouquet of peach roses, her favorite flower. She'd said it once in passing the florist, and he'd remembered.

Her lip started to quiver, and she took the flowers towards her face and smelled them. "They're my favorite," she kissed him. "Thank you, Toby. I'm so glad that if anyone was able to, you came."

"Wait…your family didn't come?" He narrowed his eyes.

She shook her head no. "I knew they wouldn't, it's okay." She saw him look angry.

"But they should have been here to support you."

She started to look like she might cry again. "Can we drop it?"

"No – Spencer, I told them if they cared about you they should be there to show you because it would hurt you otherwise. They still didn't?!"

"They don't care if they hurt me," she sniffled, tears rolling down her cheeks. He just pulled her into him, rubbing his back.

"You did such a good job and I am so proud of you, you looked so beautiful. I'm so sorry I missed the beginning."

"Why can't they be proud, too?" She looked at him with the most innocent, full, hurt eyes. He pulled her in all over again and shhhh'd her, rubbing her back.

"Come on, let's go celebrate." He took her keys from her.

"Can we just maybe get ice cream and go home and snuggle? I'm kind of tired." She wiped her face.

"Anything you want," he kissed her head and drove to the DIY froyo place and encouraged her to get the big cup and filled them with multiple flavors and candies and took them with covers to take them to go.

xx

He pulled up in front of her house and went with her inside, helping her carry her things upstairs. When they opened the front door, her parents were both in the kitchen, talking casually. Spencer just said a quick hello, and Toby glared at them.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom," he announced, and went downstairs. He confronted her parents.

"You were home this whole time when you could have been at Spencer's show?! Why wouldn't you at least make an appearance?! You broke her heart!"

"Toby, I think you'd better cool off and either go upstairs or go home." Peter said, standing.

"She worked so hard and she should be so proud of herself, and the first thing she did after the show was cry because she thinks you two aren't proud of her. God, would it kill you to at least _pretend_?!"

"Proud of what? Wiggling around in spandex? " Peter shot back.

"She's really talented. And beautiful on that stage. That's what she loves to do, and if you loved her you would want to see her doing what she loves and what makes her happy. That poor girl wants nothing more than to make you two proud and will go to the ends of the Earth to even have a chance at making you pay attention. How can you not see that? I've been around for less than a year and I see how broken that girl is every time you ignore her. She's a mess and it's your fault!"

"If she's a mess, maybe it's something her boyfriend should be working on," Veronica suggested. "She needs her own life. She needs to be independent from us.

"How do you live with yourself, hurting your own flesh and blood like this?! She thinks you don't love about her! How are you okay with that?!"

"Don't raise your voice at us. If you can't calm down I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Then apologize to your daughter and tell her you love her and you're proud of her so she can stop breaking her back for you." Toby got in Peter's face.

Peter pushed Toby back a bit. "She needs to keep working harder and work on the right things. Not that that is any of your business." Peter grunted.

It is my business, because you're hurting someone I care very much about." He pushed Peter back, harder than he'd been pushed himself, causing Peter to stumble backward.

"That's it, get out of this house. NOW." Veronica yelled.

Spencer had heard the yelling and was sitting in the staircase, listening and watching through the spaces between the railings. If they could say they cared, even if it were to Toby and not to her directly, it would be enough. But they didn't.

When she saw the pushing, she came downstairs and stood in front of them, although no one seemed to notice. Her cheeks were tear-stained.

"I got offered a scholarship tonight," she said softly, trying to break the tension. "And to bring my choreography to a dance convention this fall."

"Baby," Toby stopped caring about the Hastings' yelling in his face and glued himself to Spencer's side. "I'm so proud of you, why didn't you tell me that part?" He kissed her, his thumb wiping her cheeks.

"Toby, you were asked to LEAVE." Veronica repeated.

"Didn't you hear what she just said?" Toby questioned. "She's _good._ Tell her you're proud."

"That's nice and all, honey, but it doesn't mean a thing for your future. I'm sorry. I'm glad you've had fun tonight and gotten it out of your system, but I really do think it's time you focus on your future and doing more of the right things. Like your sister."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Toby yelled, and Spencer cowered into his chest.

"THAT'S IT. IF YOU DON'T LEAVE IN THE NEXT MINUTE I'M CALLING THE COPS." Peter yelled. "I will not have that language or the encouragement of Spencer's antics in my house. She won't ever learn that way."

"Fine," he shrugged, running upstairs to grab his backpack and the ice cream on her carpet. Spencer closely followed him, clinging to him as he walked out.

"Spencer don't you dare leave. Get back in the house RIGHT NOW." Peter yelled as Spencer ran out.

But Spencer didn't look back, she just ran into her car with Toby and let him drive. She jumped as her father banged on the window and yelled for her to get in the house, but she didn't care about pleasing them for once. She had learned that she would only be enough if she somehow woke up in her sister's body.

xx

They drove to pick up Toby's car at the auditorium, and rode separately back to Toby's house. It wasn't without a hug and kiss that he let them separate, driving slowly behind one another to his house.

As soon as they got inside, Toby helped Spencer into one of his shirts and dried her off, and peeled off his wet clothes as well.

He put their ice cream in the freezer and then pulled her into him once they'd settled.

"I'm sorry," he kissed her hair. "I'm sorry they don't see the girl you really are." He rubbed her back.

She collapsed into his arms and sobbed the hardest he'd seen her cry without having a panic attack into his chest. She made ugly noises and sniffled and gasped into his chest. He let her, just rubbing her back in support.

"Shhh…Do you want your ice cream? Or maybe some tea?" He offered.

"Coffee?" She asked meekly, pulling apart from him.

"You got it," he chuckled, going upstairs to make her a cup. When he returned they sat up against his headboard, his arm enveloping her into him.

"They're just asses, you can't let them dictate the way you act or feel anymore," he said, seeing her still recounting the moments that took place at her house that evening.

She started to cry again, cowering into him, and he let her, understanding full well that telling her to stop crying wouldn't help anything.

"Why don't they love me?" She murmured into his neck, completely innocently and painstakingly. The words came out before she could think about them.

"I don't know," he answered honestly. "But…I do know that _I_ love you." He rubbed her back.

She was quiet for a minute. She didn't say a word, but she'd also slowed down on crying.

"Spencer?" he pulled her chin up to see her eyes. He opened his mouth to say the words again, but instead her fingers hooked over his mouth and between his teeth.

"Don't you dare, Toby Cavanaugh." She said sternly, making eye contact with him. _He can't love me. No one has ever loved me. Not my parents or my sister or even a friend. He can't love me. He doesn't know what he's talking about and if he says it you'll believe him and everything will be a mess._

"I love you," he mumbled through her fingers, pulling her hand from his mouth. "Spencer, listen to me. I love you, I really do. And I really am so proud of you." He searched her eyes for answers.

"No," her crying started up again, but this time she didn't bury herself in his chest, she pulled away from him further instead. "Take it back," she mumbled.

"Spencer," he was shocked, this wasn't your typical reaction to a declaration of love.

"Take it back!" She said louder this time. "You can't."

"Why not?" He nibbled at her ear.

"Because no one's ever said that before!" She didn't mean to yell, but she did.

"No one…not even—"

"No one." She repeated. "You don't love me," she said matter-of-factly. "You can't."

"Spencer…" he pulled her close. "You deserve to know that you're lovable." His heart broke, realizing she felt she couldn't be loved not just by him, but by anybody. Her doubts were with herself, not in him. "And I love you."

She fought him for a bit. "Let me love you." He said, pulling her close to him.

She let the silence envelope them, afraid to say anything else. He started to kiss her again, kissing every part of skin he could reach with his lips.

"Will you still love me in the morning?" She said softly, her voice shaky. She didn't need him to tell her he loved her for her to want to be physical with him, and she saw it going there. But she did feel like she needed to know if that was the reason he was saying those words.

"Every morning," he corrected her.

"I'm scared," she said even softer and shakier after a long silence.

"Me too," he gulped, never having really been in love before.

She let them settle in eye contact for a while, talking in paragraphs with jus their eyes. She finally kissed him back.

She never told him she loved him back, but love was still made that night.

Over, and over, and over. _Endless love._


	12. Until It Hurts

**A/N: Thanks for reading! Question for y'all: How would you feel if this story ended relatively soon (next five or so chapters) and I made a sequel with perhaps a time jump? JUST AN IDEA NOTHING SET IN STONE. I LOVE WRITING THESE VERSIONS OF TOBY AND SPENCER AND THEIR STORY IS VERY NEAR AND DEAR TO MY HEART SO REGARDLESS OF SEQUEL OR NOT I WILL BE WRITING MORE OF THEIR STORY. Let me know in reviews what you all want! Xo**

The night was a mix of tossing and turning, tear-stained cheeks being kissed dry, and dozing off between bouts of lovemaking.

The first time they'd made love that night, it was slow and sensual and seemed to last forever. Spencer was pretty sure she started crying towards the middle, but she wasn't sure because she was too overcome with emotions. Toby, too, was consumed with emotion, focused on simply taking all of her, touching all of her, that he didn't even think twice when he saw her tear-stained cheeks, he just kissed the wetness away when he noticed the dampness leaking down her face dripping to her chest. Her nails were digging into his back, his teeth into her shoulder and neck; the noises and emotions coming out of the both of them blending into the background of the here and now they were determined to keep because it was the only place they had and the only safe haven that existed. Here and now. Their interspersed eye contact would seem to last forever, so lustful and so magnetic and unavoidable that it almost stung. It was raw and real and so desperate that it seemed they needed each other's air to continue breathing. He filled up her voids like it kept them both alive.

Nuzzled tears and murmurs of _I'm sorry _alternation between them and back rubbing and _shhh_ing in the dark didn't last long before the heat between them brought them together once more, completely in desperation. The second time was the polar opposite of the gentle love they'd shared not long before. He slammed in and out of her with all the aggression and pent-up frustration he felt for her not being honest about how badly her parents treated her, himself for not helping her, and for the Hastings for ruining a perfectly good girl. _His _girl. And then himself again for continually referring to the girl he loved as being someone who was "a mess." He hated to know that it was true, because he wanted to believe she was perfect. But it was clear she was only perfect to him, only perfect when she could manage to keep it together. She was strong, that was for sure. But nonetheless broken. The love was still there in their quick paced movements and low grunts, and the love was still desperate and raw and everything you were supposed to want and everything you read about in stories but never really thought you'd have, but then again their thoughts were puddles and they weren't even really aware of what they were doing to each other or experiencing. They were both in dizzy spells from one another's touch, scent, moans, and skin, all becoming blurred to one.

Spencer didn't mind the aggression. At least she was _feeling _something. She was just as angry, just as hurt. Her movements matched his aggression, and somehow, she still felt safer there with him than anywhere else, even in a situation where she knew he could easily hurt her or take action. And for that, she hated herself. For not being able to be strong enough to walk away, to save Toby from the mocking of their peers or from the exposure he'd experienced to her world of shame. She wanted to love him back. _She wanted to love him back. _Didn't she? Harder, faster, slamming herself to try and get the answer to the question burning in her head: was this love real? Was any love real? _If this love is real_, she thought, _love me until it hurts. _And he did.

She hadn't forgotten she'd heard him say the word when he was yelling at her parents. _She's a mess. _Ruined. Broken. Wrecked. It embarrassed her that he could see what she saw in the mirror, and that he'd lied so many times when he told her that he saw someone stronger and more deserving than she felt comfortable believing. She wondered how he ever pretended to see anything but that – a mess. She wondered what else he lied about. _But it wasn't to hurt me. He wanted me to be happy. Maybe he does love me. I just don't know why. I believe him, but I don't think he understands what love is. Or who I am. _She wondered if he was with her because he liked feeling like a superhero; that their relationship depended on her staying small so he could feel big. Or maybe he was taking advantage of her vulnerability. Maybe if she hadn't slept with him, he wouldn't have wanted to be with her. Maybe if Ali didn't gossip about it so publicly, he wouldn't have acted so quickly. A million times a day she came up with new reasons and excuses as to why he might be with her, why he might continue to voluntarily grace her with his presence. If she really was such a _mess, _how could he honestly _love _her? She hated that he'd seen her parents be so disrespecting towards her. She was extremely embarrassed about herself – how terrible was it for parents to not love their offspring? To be so disappointed and unimpressed by their own daughter; a creation of their own love? Spencer still couldn't wrap her head around the idea that maybe, just maybe, the problem was that her parents were selfish – not that she was unworthy. _Unlovable_ She'd spent years and years feeling so embarrassed and undeserving, feeling that it was her own fault that her parents rejected and ignored her and said hateful things and didn't say they were proud like they did to her perfect sister. Because for them to not care about their own offspring, something that was supposed to be so natural, the answer had to be that she was just _that_ fucked up. It never occurred to her that she might be fine, and her parents just might be awful. It felt like a joke, a twisting knife in her back when the words pierced her ears. _I love you,_ she replayed his words in her head. She wanted to laugh and cry and slobber all over his pillows and run away and hide inside of herself or just to disappear. Or maybe just kiss him so deep that maybe he'd swallow her whole, somehow.

She wanted it to be true, she so badly had wanted to hear those words for her entire life, even if she hadn't explicitly realized that. It was the reason for her lies to her parents, for her obsession with her grades and the precision in her technical dance abilities, and even how she maintained such a slender form – obsession with perfection. It was also the reason she'd cut herself, the reason she'd taken drugs, the reason she couldn't look him in the eyes when he told her she was beautiful and smart and special, and the reason that even after months of being with him in his room, and weeks of being his girlfriend, she still felt like she was living someone else's life. She just wanted approval – she had forgotten about her craving for love a long time ago, and had refocused her energy on just being someone worth something – to be enough, to get the Hastings' stamp of approval. But that was proving to be somewhat impossible.

But then there was Toby – he held her like he was trying to protect her even when there was nothing threatening her, he kissed her like their lips were magnets, made specifically to lock into one another's. He said beautiful things to her like he really believed that she was beautiful, even when she was just wearing a t-shirt. Even when she was wearing nothing at all, not even a smile.

And that scared the shit out of her. She didn't believe any of it, she felt like everything was slipping out of her control when he said those three words. They didn't feel warm and safe like she'd thought they would when she made her dolls say it to the doll she'd equated to herself, or when she wrote about it in her diary, or dreamed about how it might go. Instead it felt like a piano being dropped onto her from a high-rise building, squishing her into the sidewalk.

But at the same time, she did feel safe with him. She'd never been in a situation before where she didn't know the answers. But now, her brain was goo and her body was invaded by parts of his own, and she felt like she was another girl on another planet. And she didn't want it to stop.

The unending circle of thoughts, fears, kisses, tears, and love-making rotated until the sun rose and suddenly it was morning and they'd slept some, although she couldn't really remember falling asleep or even waking up. Toby fell asleep finally right after the sun started to rise. But not Spencer. She pulled herself slowly from his arms, all of a sudden feeling too vulnerable to be there. Too naked, too exposed, too _Spencer._

When she'd opened her eyes, Toby was also squinting, the sun blinding him from his window across the room. The sheets were only barely draped over them. Spencer sat at the end of the bed facing away from him when she felt the warmth of his skin firmly pressed against her from behind, his hands going under the sheets to let his hands warm her navel as his fingers danced across her sides until they met in the middle. She arched back slightly into him, but didn't say a word.

"Please don't run this time," he whispered into her hair. The first time they'd slept together, she ran. There'd only been two other times after that, and they were both in his car, where she couldn't run, but it also wasn't particularly intimate either. She'd gone home right after in those instances.

"I don't want you to go back there, not yet." He had been worried about her all night, as he watched her alternate between sleeping in his arms and writhing beneath him, knowing there was so much pain in the petite body pressed into his and that there was only so much he could do to change it. All he wanted was to keep her here; keep her safe, knowing there would be consequences for the both of them but decidedly not caring.

"Morning," she said softly, still feeling too exposed, ignoring his utterances of concern. Once again, Toby wondered if her smiles were always fake, if she always looked so sad behind curved up lips.

He frowned, but kissed her forehead. He wanted her to say she'd stay, and that she loved him. It had hurt him a bit that she didn't say it back, but he was starting to understand that it was very, very new to her. It was hard being in love with her, because every time he tried to pick up the pieces for her, they crumbled into smaller, more microscopic pieces in his hands. Spencer was complicated. But that was why he loved her. She frustrated him and challenged him but at the end of the day, she showed him a vulnerability that he'd never seen in a person, and made him want to open up from the big, tough athlete he was supposed to be to the scared boy he was inside, sometimes. And she let him be just that, always calm, always touching his arm, always breathing in his problems and breathing out little words of comfort and kisses that seemed to last for days.

"When I was a little girl," she whispered. "I ran away from home."

He locked eyes with her, subconsciously rubbing circles into her stomach with one hand and twirling her hair around his finger with the other. He was in a trance listening to her when she spoke.

"I packed a sandwich and some money from my bank and my favorite blue blanket that my Nana gave me and I hid at the movies, and went to the park by myself, and ate my sandwich and did all the things I thought would be the most fun. But I got myself so worked up that I'd be in trouble when I got home, that I couldn't even enjoy being away. So I ran all the way back home, and I snuck into my back door and my mom and my dad were playing Scrabble with my sister at the table, and they hadn't even noticed I was gone all day."

"How old were you?" Toby narrowed his eyes, pulling her closer. It made it easier for her that she didn't have to face him.

"Seven, maybe?" She wasn't sure. "That was the day I realized that I wasn't like them. I didn't matter in the House of Hastings. It's been ten years and I thought it would be a lot easier by now. It is, but it also still feels a lot worse than I thought. Still." Her voice shook when she told him the truth. This was a story nobody knew.

"Spencer, you're enough. I promise you you're enough," somewhere in the conversation his hands hand found hers and interlocked their fingers, and he brought her hand up to his mouth to trail kisses on her hand and up her arm, delicately and subconsciously grazing over the long pink scar that was embroidered onto her bony wrist. She got chills when he touched it, but she let him anyway.

She nodded, wanting to believe him, and in moments like these, she did. "I never felt like I had a safe place but…I know this is corny and stupid, but I…I feel safe with you. You're like my safe place." Her cheeks were flushed to a dark red, her eyes flickered down, completely embarrassed that she'd told him that. She wondered if he still loved her now. Ten minutes from now? Tomorrow?

"I'm sorry you haven't gotten what you deserve… but I'm trying to make things better for you, Spencer."

Her stomach flip-flopped. She was afraid he was going to say _those_ words again. It was silly, she wanted him to keep loving her, but was terrified that he'd say it. But she was also scared that he'd stop loving her. She didn't know which fear was greater.

Instead, she stopped him with her lips. And all of a sudden they were making love all over again: sweeter, slower, and more innocent than the night before. This time, she didn't cry. She just silently begged him not to say the three words she ironically needed so much, wanting to be healed physically more than emotionally, giving him what she thought he needed to stay.

xx

After they'd finished once more, in hushed tones of the morning, they got dressed and stayed close, like magnets, barely managing to exchange words. She hooked her hand into his when he led her upstairs as if it might be the most natural thing in the world.

When they got into his kitchen, she was surprised to see his father – a man she'd never met before, but knew who he was based on his sameness to Toby – the strong jawline, the piercing eyes, the towering demeanor, the darkish blondish waves – only the lines near his eyes were deeper and were mimicked in the lines on his forehead, his eyes were duller, more serious, and his hair was thinner. Spencer pulled away from Toby a bit, afraid that he'd get in trouble for her staying over, or she'd have to leave. She wasn't ready to leave.

"Morning," he turned around from the stove where he was scrambling some eggs. "Oh, we have a guest," he smiled at Spencer. There was a calmness in the room when he spoke. There was something special about a single father's relationship with his son. Then again maybe it was just that they had a relationship, and she lacked one with her own parents. She envied the calmness of the house. It was those damn ocean blues, she thought.

"This is Spencer," Toby started, slowly. "She's my…" he started, but trailed off as his father came closer, wiping his hands on a dishrag and extending it to shake Spencer's. Spencer looked at Toby for approval before shaking the older man's hand.

"I know, the girlfriend. I didn't forget," he smiled a little, but his face was a bit harsh. "I'm just frying up some eggs if you all want breakfast. I can make some French toast? Pancakes? What does the lady like?" He smiled at Spencer.

"Uhm… I don't want to put you out, I should probably go home…" She spoke in barely audible tones, but Toby squeezed her hand as if to tell her she wasn't leaving yet.

"No such thing. You should at least get some food in your stomach. French toast it is!" He said, grabbing the loaf of bread from the counter.

Spencer sat down with Toby. "Spencer's… there was a fight last night at her house, is it okay if she stays here? Just for the weekend? Or maybe a few days?"

"As long as she needs, and her parents know where she is…"

Spencer blushed, knowing that she'd shared a personal story with Toby just a bit earlier that exhibited just how much her parents didn't care about her whereabouts.

"They know," she interjected before Toby could say anything to make her feel any more silly than she felt.

"Fine by me, as long as there's no trouble," His father laughed and Spencer felt Toby squeeze her thigh under the table causing her to blush. It felt so much nicer when he did it than when Wren violated her space during family dinner.

They ate breakfast together before Toby's father went to work.

"He was nice," Spencer nodded. "Thank you for letting me stay here last night."

"Are you kidding?" he laughed. "At what point did you think I would have sent you home?" He smiled softly, his hand grazing her forearm, remembering the moments they'd shared the night before. It was surreal. He straightened up. "You're staying until you feel good enough to go home,"

She was still blushing. "I guess it wouldn't have made sense to go home with our night…. But thank you for last night, anyway… I needed that."

"Me too," he kissed her forehead.

"Can I really stay the weekend?"

"As long as you want to be here, you're staying."

She thanked him with a kiss, as if it were her way of saying the three words that haunted and taunted her when they spilled from his lips.

xx

They spent the weekend holed up in his room. They'd built a fort of pillows and blankets as if they were elementary aged children at their first sleepover, and watched TV and did homework leaning up against one another.

They didn't make love again that weekend, but it didn't mean that they weren't intimate and close. They didn't need to do that to show how they needed one another.

He was rubbing her shoulders while she did homework, almost as if his actions were absent-minded.

"Toby," she didn't turn to look at him. She spoke very quietly, so he turned off the TV so he could hear her. "I care about you more than I've ever cared about anyone. I'm sorry if I hurt you when I yelled at you last night when you said…those _things. _Please don't be mad at me," _Please still love me, _she thought.

"Spencer," he started, as if he heard her internal fears screaming. "Nothing you could do would make me change my mind. I still—"

She stopped him by flipping around as quickly as she could and kissed him, leaving him breathless. When she pulled back, there were tears in her eyes, but she still made eye contact. "I care about you very much," she repeated, her hand ready to cover his mouth if he tried to say the words again, lingering on his jawline tickling his scruff. "But I really need you to stop saying those words. At least for now."

"But, I do…"

"Toby, _please."_ She begged, her eyes full of tears.

"Baby…what are you so afraid of?"

"Toby—I just need you to _stop._ If you really _do, stop." _Her words flung at him harshly, as if she were talking through gritted teeth.

_Why? Does she love me back? Is she capable of loving back? She doesn't even know what love is. _"Fine, but you aren't going to change my mind, Spencer Hastings. So don't even try. Don't push me away because you're scared."

"Just hold me," she fell back into his arms, refusing to look at him again. They were both a bit hostile at this point. But it wasn't an angry kind, it was a desperate, frustrated, confused kind of hostility.

And that was that. They spent the rest of the weekend quiet, touching always, but barely talking. Just being together, both lost in thoughts they refused to share out loud. Hers of fear of love, and his of fears that he'd fallen in love with someone who couldn't love him back.

He needed her to be just a little stronger.

xx

On Monday they arrived at school together, and he walked her to her locker.

"I have to, uhm, go drop something off at the guidance office." She said, shutting her locker quickly. She really had to deliver a project to Ali that she'd promised weeks ago. Ali wasn't still sending her new projects, but made her promise to finish the ones she had sent her previously – and that was a few final projects.

"Let me walk you," he extended his hand, but Spencer pulled away.

"Spencer?" He reached once more.

"I really have to go," she said, quickly disappearing into the crowd, finding Alison and nearly throwing the binder at her.

"If there are any problems you can text me, but—"

"I know you're still seeing him," Ali said bluntly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Spencer blushed.

"Don't play dumb with me, Spencer. I know you're with him. It's okay, I won't bother you. Be with him all you want. But don't be upset when he realizes you're _nothing _like the girl he needs, _nothing compared to what we had."_

Spencer wanted to slap her, to tell her that he _loved _her. But she didn't say anything.

"I'm just trying to save you from a broken heart, Spencer." Ali touched her shoulder. "It's going to be really tragic to watch your reaction when Toby comes back to me, where he belongs. He's just experimenting, but he knows where he's really meant to be. _Guys like him don't end up with geeks like you. _No offence or anything," Ali smiled slyly, knowing which buttons to press to make Spencer hate herself even more.

Before Spencer could respond, Aria came and swooped in, pulling Spencer away from Ali.

"What the hell are you talking to her for?" She glared back at the blonde.

"It's nothing," Spencer dug her hands in her pockets.

"Is she still bothering you? Because I will kick her ass,"

Spencer couldn't help but laugh. The petite brunette was no more intimidating than a lapdog. "I'm fine."

"Did Toby tell you congratulations for Friday from Holden and I? We had to leave right after but we really had a good time."

"He didn't… I didn't know you came. Thank you," she blushed as an innocent smile swept across her face.

"What are friends for?" Aria hip bumped Spencer playfully as the bell rang and they separated to go to class.

xx

After school, Toby met her at her locker, but she continued to put space between them, still.

"What is wrong with you today? Stop ignoring me," he reached out to touch her arm, but her phone started to go off and she pulled away once more to go into her bag to find her phone and answer the call.

"Mom?" She narrowed her eyes, wondering why her mother would be calling her.

"Is everything okay?" She asked.

"Just come home as soon as you can, before your father and I have to meet Melissa about a client." Her mother hung up.

"Is everything okay?" Toby mimicked her words to her mother.

"I have to go home," She sighed heavily.

"Are you sure you want to go back there? You can still come home with me."

"I have to go," she walked away from him, leaving him behind and alone.

_What is this girl doing to me? The more I help her, the more I end up hurting and upset and confused. _

xx

When Spencer got home, her parents were sitting at the table, bickering about something. Shocker. Spencer stood in the foyer to listen before going in and getting her head bitten off.

"But how will it look to the University if we deny them?" She heard her mother bark at her father. She stood in the doorway for a while, quietly, to eavesdrop before taking the plunge to join them.

"But she was _waitlisted,_ if anyone finds out that's how she was accepted, it would be more embarrassing than her not going at all. What if she does poorly there? We both know she's not as…capable." Peter spat back at Veronica.

"She's no Melissa, but maybe the tradition will be good for her. They'll be easier on a Hastings there. We donate enough…"

Spencer finally walked in, slowly.

"Hi," she said meekly, putting her bag on the chair and leaning against the counter. She wondered if she would be in trouble for not coming home all weekend, but she doubted it mattered.

"Open this," Veronica slid an envelope across the table. "We think they've accepted you,"

It was from UPenn, a large, sleek envelope – usually telltale sign of an acceptance packet. She'd tried to hide the waitlist letter she'd gotten, but her father called the Admissions office when they hadn't heard anything from their alma mater. She'd since deposited at Fordham in New York, because though their undergraduate school was only ranked in the 70s in the nation, their law school was ranked very high and her parents expected her to attend law school eventually – at Fordham she could have done a program to get her Bachelor's in three years and start her law degree early. She was less than thrilled about all of it.

"Uhm, alright." She said, opening the envelope slowly, revealing the colorful acceptance packet.

"We were debating whether you should accept after they were so…hesitant…to offer you a space."

"You have to work harder, Spencer, if you do this. You're a Hastings. About time you act like it."

"I'm trying," she said only slightly above a whisper, her eyes casting down.

"What?" Peter said loudly. "Speak up, idiot." He mumbled the name under his breath.

"I just said that I'm trying…but I'll try harder." She said a little louder.

"We think that if you promise to try and do better…maybe ask Melissa for some advice…that it would look best if you attend the University like the rest of the family. But you can't embarrass us by failing."

"I won't…I'm going to try, really." Spencer sounded so desperate. She heard it in her own voice and basically cringed. She wanted so badly to make them proud, that the prospect of studying something she hated sounded good if it meant she might make them proud. Going to UPenn might be the only chance she had left.

"I'd like to go to UPenn…like the rest of you." She said softly, giving in to her last name.

"Of course you do. Of course we wished you earned it," Veronica scoffed. "You just need to work that much harder to keep your space and prove that they were wrong the first time."

She just nodded.

"That's all," her father spat out. "You can go. Make yourself useful and make a reservation at the club for dinner tonight will you?"

"Got it," she said softly, slipping her phone from her pocket and calling the club on her way upstairs.

When she got to her room, she stood in the bathroom to look in the mirror and stared at herself long and hard. She saw the redness in her eyes signifying weakness, the tired bags under her eyes, the frizzy hairs that stood up on top of her head in the humidity, the scar on her forehead and the freckles forming on her nose from the sun. "You got in," she whispered and smiled to herself, her eyes filling up with tears. It was true she never wanted to go to UPenn, but knowing that she could – just like all the other Hastings – gave her a sense of accomplishment. She laughed quietly to herself and bit her lip as the tears spilled out of her eyes more quickly and soon turned into sour tears of sadness. "And you still aren't enough. They're not proud, they're still waiting for you to fail," the tears felt heavier than usual. Before she knew it or could even recall the order of events, she was holding her favorite old razorblade against the thin skin of her forearm, waiting to release the pain she had inside, the hatred she had for herself waiting to bleed out with all of her frustrations and sadness that she was still a fuck up.

But something made her freeze. By now she'd typically have made at least two gashes in her skin and would already by applying pressure and some gauze. But she dropped the razor in the sink when her phone lit up with a notification, exposing the picture of Toby and herself at the dance studio that he'd taken of them when he'd visited one day and consequently set as both of their lock screens. She unlocked her phone to see that the boy in the picture was the one who messaged her.

_Toby, why are you always saving me?_ She thought, carefully putting her razor back in it's case thrown under the sink.

_"If they say a word to you, come back over. No questions asked." _He had texted.

She called him instead. "Thank you for always saving me," she said softly.

"What? Do you need a ride here?" He sounded panicked.

"I'm fine here," she fell back on her bed. "I just wanted to tell you that." She hung up ominously, making him a bit nervous and weirded out. But he shrugged it off when Caleb called him to come shoot hoops.

Spencer got herself up after a while and got herself dressed in her most Melissa Hastings looking outfit getting ready for dinner.

She got Toby by playing the best game of pretend she'd ever played. A weird confidence came with that realization, after all this time.

Dinner tonight, she decided, would have to be tackled the same way.


	13. Like Maybe It Might Be Magic

**A/N: THERE WILL BE JUST ABOUT FIVE MORE CHAPTERS (GIVE OR TAKE) BEFORE I END THIS – JUST A WARNING. BUT I PROMISE TO RETURN TO THESE CHARACTERS IN A SEQUEL I AM DEVELOPING NOW. THESE VERSIONS OF SPOBY ARE MY BABIES AND I WONT BE LEAVING THEM ANYTIME SOON.**

**THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO IS KEEPING UP WITH THIS. I KNOW THE LAST TWO CHAPTERS WERE HARD TO READ AND SO HERE IS A FLUFF CHAPTER FOR MY LOVES. THANK YOU! PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING IF YOU WANT ME TO CONTINUE AND END UP POSTING THE SEQUEL AS WELL.**

* * *

><p>During dinner, Toby texted Spencer and asked if she were home. She smiled at the screen she held under the table, wishing she could walk out and meet her man.<p>

Dinner was barely tolerable, to say the least. For once, her parents didn't ask to play high-low and seemed nearly congratulatory about her acceptance to UPenn. It left a sour taste in her mouth to keep talking about the college and her family's legacy there, because it was nowhere near what she wanted to be doing. But somehow, it really was – deep down she wanted to prove herself as a Hastings.

Spencer was pleasantly surprised by the behavior of her family, as if things were already starting to change now that she'd finally made a choice they deemed the "correct" one. But the night took a turn for the worse when Wren offered his _services_ to expedite her medical forms to the college. He reminded her that he'd be at the school again helping the nurses on Thursday, but he could come over the house and see her sooner, _perhaps Monday,_ he sang in his stupid British accent that sounded much too jolly for his real intentions. Needless to say Veronica accepted on Spencer's behalf, and there wasn't much she could say about it.

Spencer went to the bathroom before leaving while her parents settled the check, and ran into Wren in the hallway on her way out of the restroom. "I can't wait for Monday," he raised his eyebrow seductively and put his hands to her hips, reaching backward towards her backside.

"Why don't you just focus on Melissa, and get _off _of me," Spencer scoffed, pulling his hands from her side.

"Oh, I'll get off with you alright, my sweet." His face turned into a demonic smile, his actions and words despicable and his mouth could only wrap around the sinful words in a laugh.

Spencer pushed past him, unable to respond, and joined her parents in going to the car and quickly climbing into the backseat.

xx

"Hey," Toby smiled as he pulled his girlfriend inside and kissed her, his hands reaching around her the same way Wren's had just an hour ago.

"Sorry I didn't answer your text, I was out with my family. It was really hard to get through dinner without answering you or really just up and leaving to see you," she cooed, her arms still locked firmly around his neck, her hands finding their resting place in his hair. She went straight from her father's car to her own when they pulled into the driveway, needing to see Toby as soon as she could. Wren made her feel worthless and dirty and like she might want to hurt herself in frustration, and Toby had proven to be the only anecdote to that feeling.

"I figured you were busy. It was no big deal. I was just jogging by and saw your car and I was going to see if you wanted to do something tonight."

"Wellllllll I'm here now," she sang.

"You're awfully chipper," he commented, laughing.

"Don't you like it when I'm happy?" She teased. It was all she could do to feel better, to act so carefree and focus only on him – he made her happy. It made it all seem worth it.

"Eh, it's alright." He shrugged goofily, grinning at her as he mocked her.

"Oh stop it," she nudged him and he immediately started to tickle her and throw her over his shoulder. She yelped and kicked and screamed and laughed until all the blood rushed to her face and she could only laugh in dizziness.

"Put me down Toby Cavanaugh," she finally yelled as he brought her through the house and into the kitchen. She squeezed sharply at his butt, since it was the only thing she could reach thrown over his shoulder.

"Ayyyyy, watch it Hastings," he joked, finally placing her down on the countertop.

"What was that for?" she narrowed her eyes at him, still laughing and bright red.

He just laughed at her coloring. She was brighter than her fruit-punch colored cardigan. "I just didn't want to be away from you while I got a snack," he said opening the cabinets, groaning, and then shutting them again without taking anything out. "…which it looks like we have none of anyway," he sighed.

"I have an idea," she said reopening the cabinets and pulling out the sugar and flour from the top shelf, still sitting atop the counter. "Get the eggs and milk," she said as she rummaged through the cabinet for some other ingredients.

"What for?" he said as he followed her instructions and putting the eggs and milk onto the counter beside her.

"Brownies or cookies?" she said holding chocolate chips in one hand and cocoa powder in the other.

"We're baking?" he said inquisitively, and seemingly hesitantly. "I'm not much of a cook," he confessed, laughing.

"I'll help you," she smiled. "just pick!"

"Brownies!" He finally said. "Okay, get me a pan and pre-heat the oven." She said as she helped herself to looking to some mixing bowls.

"Have I told you today how amazing you are?" he said as he watched her remove her cardigan and rolled up the sleeves of her shirt underneath.

She rolled her eyes. "Pan," she reminded him.

He just smiled, and followed her instructions.

xx

She gave him instructions and let him help her with the brownie batter. They were both pretty messy, and it had been a long process, but they laughed their way through it.

It was almost done and Spencer was just looking for a spatula to scrape the sides of the bowl into the brownie pan. He stood beside her mixing the batter. She came back to his side with the rubber spatula.

"Okay, once you get the majority of it in the pan, we can scrape the sides with this to get everything." She said holding up the rubber spatula.

"This batter smells kinda funny," Toby said as he brought the spoon he'd been stirring with close to his face.

"What are you talking about, it's brownie batter…" she said coming closer to smell it, and that's when he pushed the batter-filled spoon into her face, leaving her nose and upper lip wet with brownie batter.

She screamed. "You idiot!" she shoved him playfully, wiping some and chasing him around the kitchen, determined to smear some batter onto his face.

"You can't catch me," he smiled, quickly shuffling from side to side.

"Oh yeah?" she challenged, diving towards him and getting his chin.

"Oh, it's on." He took a bit of flour and tossed it at her, leaving a white cloud between them and her jeans and cheeks equally paled.

She didn't even yell this time, she just threw flour back at him, no hesitation.

He chased her with flour in his hands to throw, her hair graying in the cloud of flour and she grabbed a bit of powdered sugar, ready to toss the white powder onto him too. They yelled and played until he slipped in the flour and fell down, but not before reaching out to her legs and pulling her down with him. She fell onto him and they laughed and laughed for at least a whole minute without talking before she put her finger into his chin dimple and took the batter onto her pinky and into her mouth, quickly sucking it off and smilling. "Well at least the batter is good," he laughed, pushing her sugar and flour powdered hands onto his face and into his hair, further whitening them.

"You look like the Bride of Frankenstein," he laughed at her frizzy, grayed hair and brownie battered face.

"Well then what does that make you?" She laughed.

"Lucky," he said with a smile and pushing his lips into hers. "Mmmmm, we should do this more, that kiss tasted good." He laughed, leaving a quick peck onto her lips again before rolling over and pulling her up with him.

"Come on,, let's get these in the oven and clean this all up before your dad gets home," Spencer said dusting off her jeans almost comically – as if it would make a difference in the big mess the rest of her – and his kitchen was.

"Yes ma'am," he saluted jokingly and put the pan into the oven and showed her where they kept the broom and dustpan while he used Clorox wipes on the countertops. They kept breaking to kiss.

"Perfect timing," she said as the timer on the oven went off just as they finished cleaning up everything. She took the pan out and left them to cool off on top of the stove.

"I think," he said, pulling her from behind. "We should go get clean while these cool off," he said in her ear.

She blushed, knowing that meant together. "I think you're right," she said softly, turning in his arms.

He just held her hand and pulled her down the hall to the bathroom, excitedly.

He turned on the water and let it run a minute to get warm as he helped her undress, and she helped him do the same. There was lots of awkward giggling as they touched each other's messy bodies, only making it worse with one another's messy hands.

He got in and held out his hand to help her in after him. She was strangely quite comfortable in front of him, in full light, completely bare. He had noticed she was much more comfortable and confident and it made him more happy than he could express.

"Mmmmm, brownies and this, what did I do to deserve this today," he teased as he hands ran over her sides.

She blushed and brought her hands to his own sides, her fingers lightly tracing over the tattoo on his hip.

"When did you get this? I know you've had it this whole time… I just never really looked at it," she admitted, looking back up at him as her fingers danced over his side.

"On my birthday back in the fall," he said running a hand through his hair. "I couldn't wait any longer."

"What does it mean," she said studying it again, _901, free at last. _She felt him pull away a bit under the pads of her fingers and she looked back up to make eye contact again. "Was that a bad thing to ask?" She said blushing, softening her voice.

"It's uh, it's okay. It's for my mom," he said not looking at her. "Would you ever get one?" he said, changing the subject quickly.

"My parents would kill me," she laughed. "Maybe. Did it hurt?" She asked curiously.

"Not badly."

"I'd like to someday. Like a bucket list type of thing I guess. I'm just not sure when or what or where."

"You'd be sexy as hell with a cute little tattoo right about _here," _he said as his thumb grazed just above her pubic bone. "Well, sexier," he spoke in a raspy tone into her ear.

"Come on," she laughed, pulling away, trying to forget the shock that still danced up and down her spine whenever he touched her like that. "Let's get washed. Help me get the flour out of my hair?" she smiled, handing him the shampoo.

He of course obliged, and she returned the favor as she ran her hands all over his wet, naked torso.

When it seemed like they were clean and there was only one thing left to do in their unclothed state, Spencer reached behind him and shut the water, ending it before it could begin.

He didn't question her motives, always so respectful of her body and the limits even he had with her. Instead he helped her out, toweled them both off, and offered her a t-shirt of his to wear as it just about covered her butt like a short dress.

They returned to the kitchen after they'd mostly dried, kissing their way down the hall. She basically had to pry her mouth away from his just to cut the brownies. He took a few onto a small plate and pulled her downstairs to his room. "Hurry, Harry Potter marathon starts soon and I want you to stay for at least one movie before you have to go home." He called, and she laughed because he could be just as big of a dork as her sometimes.

"I'm coming, slow down before we fall again." She laughed and snuggled up next to him.

"We're good, we've got fifteen whole minutes." He said checking the channel guide on the TV and breaking off a piece of brownie and surprising her by feeding it to her instead of eating it himself.

"Well you have a piece!" She said with her mouth half full, shoving brownie bits towards his face.

"Delicious" he said with his mouth also full, and all they could do was laugh, pressing their bodies closer into one another.

She played with his hands as they locked around her waist when she leaned against his chest, her thumb slowly rubbing against the top of his calloused knuckles.

"So…you're really serious about this…this _you and me thing_," she said softly and nervously.

"You don't want me to tell you I love you and you don't want me to make a big deal about it and now you're acting like you don't even know," he said half teasingly, but with a heavy hammer of truth coming in right behind the teasing. It upset him that she didn't know.

"Relax," she blushed, turning a bit in his arms. "I know you do. I'm sorry. That was a bad lead-in. I just was starting a conversation," she started, and his eyes locked with hers letting her know she should continue with whatever it was she had to say.

"I was just thinking," she restarted. "If we really are _serious,_ I, uh, I….I'm thinking it might be a good idea to go on the pill. So we can be together and be closer and not have to worry about anything. I trust you and," she started, but he pulled her closer and squeezed her thigh.

"I think that's a great idea," he kissed her cheek. "But only if you really want to. I really don't mind using condoms like we have been…I'm always going to be careful with you." He reminded her. "Don't do anything just for me. It's your body."

"I want to… but I don't know how to ask my mom… so I was thinking of going to the clinic."

"Do you need money?" he offered.

"No…I was just hoping you might come with me. I've never been there or had any kind of appointment like this and I'm a little nervous," she blushed. "I need you."

"Spencer," he laughed at her seriousness. "You know I'm always gonna do whatever you need me to do," he pulled her head towards him to kiss her head.

"I'm serious about this, Toby." She locked eyes with him. "I mean _this you and me thing,"_ she repeated her prior phrasing. "You save me every day and you don't even know it."

"Because I—" he stopped himself, knowing if he didn't, she would end up shoving her hand in his mouth or something. "Because you're important to me." He chose words that might be more comfortable for her.

She saw him briefly frown at not being able to say he loved her. She reached over to his desk and pulled herself up, rummaging through his drawers. By now the movie had started and somehow it became much less important to him now.

"What are you doing?"

"Shhh…just watch your movie," she said finally settling on a thin black Sharpie before returning to her seat beside him. She took his hand in hers and rubbed her thumb over his hand again, and doing that for most of the movie. When they'd finally calmed and settled into just being with one another, Spencer opened the Sharpie and drew a small heart on his wrist, writing "always," in delicate script letters beside the heart.

He lifted his hand and inspected it, and just looked at her.

"Like Snape… and Lilly," she explained.

"But why on my hand. That isn't even until the later movies this is only the first one," he said stupidly.

"I know," she sighed, a smile behind her lips. "I just…I wanted to find a way," she swallowed hard. After all this time, he still hung on every word she said. It didn't go unnoticed – it always still made her blush.

"I wanted to find a way to say that I….you…I feel the same way you do, I think." She stumbled on her words, speaking quickly but feeling like she was moving in slow motion.

He ran his fingers over his wrist, and reached over for the marker, drawing the same heart and word on her arm in the same spot she'd drawn on him.

"Always," he repeated, crashing his lips into the ink he'd just put on her delicate wrist, smiling and hiding the tears in his eyes as he buried his face into her arm.

_My girl. Always, _he thought once more.


	14. Notice (Updating soon!)

Hi all!

I hope all that celebrate are having a good holiday. I just wanted to apologize for my lack of posts (I've been in finals and had a family emergency) but I will be updating in the next few days. Hopefully tomorrow! I miss these characters.

love,

spencershasting


	15. Moonlight

A/N: Hey guys! I'm so so sorry about not updating before the holidays! I had a family emergency right before finals, and then it was testing and then the holidays snuck up on me. My laptop crapped out and I finally got a new one last night. I have missed updating so much! I hope everyone is still interested and can forgive me for leaving them hanging! I will be updating more quickly from here on out. I hope you all enjoy and that this chapter makes up for the time lost!

Toby was worried about Spencer. The phone call from the night before was still lingering in the back of his mind. She'd sounded so desperate, and just hung up on him. Of course the rest of the night went well, so he was probably overthinking it all. He found his lips curling up into a smirk when he remembered how Spencer had looked with her hair matted with flour and brownie batter, and how hard they'd laughed. Maybe everything was alright.

_This isn't going to be the same, _he kept telling himself, pushing aside his fears. _She's not like that. She's better now. She knows you'll keep saving her. She's not going to push this as far. It's not going to be like that again. _He breathed deeply, bringing himself back into the moment. He kept equating her to the horrible things he'd seen in the past. He found himself worrying about her the way he'd had to worry about if his mom would come home that night. But he realized that a silly voice-cracking on the phone shouldn't alarm him this much. She was right here with him. _She was right there with him._

And there she was. He looked over at Spencer, who was rhythmically bouncing her knees up and down nervously, creating a loud tapping against the cold, tiled floor. Toby couldn't take it anymore. He reached over and pushed his hand down into her knees to force her feet flat on the floor.

"Sorry," she blushed, sitting on her hands and scooting to the edge of the chair.

"You need to relax, babe." It had been her idea that they come here, but he pushed her to go sooner rather than later. Clearly, she was nervous. He understood that he really couldn't ever know what she was thinking or nervous about, but he still wished she would calm down. This wasn't supposed to be a big deal.

"I just don't like waiting rooms." She sighed, and he slipped her hand into his and squeezed, trying to comfort her.

"Spencer Hastings?" A nurse came out and called.

"Do you want me to come in with you?" Toby kinda felt awkward to come in, but he was there to be supportive.

She shook her head and went into the room. He kept Snapchatting her funny faces while she was in there, hoping that if she had to wait for the doctor to come in after she spoke to the nurse, she would look at her phone and feel better that he was trying to make her laugh.

Spencer was nervous, but she sat tight. She told the doctor about how she wanted birth control, and that Toby was the only person she'd ever been with, and they'd always been safe. She felt uncomfortable during the exam, but she knew that it would be good for her. For her and Toby. She was taking care of what she needed to.

When she came out of the room with a little bag and prescription slip in her hand, Toby stood up immediately to gather his girlfriend into his arms. "You were in there a long time," he ruffled his eyebrows.

"And you're a doofus," she said bumping into him playfully and going to the desk to pay her co-pay.

"I guess you got the pictures," he kissed her head.

"I couldn't stop laughing to myself while the doctor was trying to examine my cervix. She probably thought I was a damn moron." She said climbing into his truck.

"Did it…hurt?" He made a face.

"No…it was just weird. But we're all set." She said and they shortly pulled up at the pharmacy for her to drop off her prescription. When she hopped out of the car she playfully threw the paper bag she'd been carrying at him and condoms spilled out all over his lap. She just laughed and came back in a bit with her pills.

"Does this mean we can celebrate?" He said, holding up the condoms from all over his lap.

She slapped his arm playfully. "Stop it… let's just go to your house. I'm getting hungry." He had promised to make dinner.

He dramatically exhaled jokingly. "If you say so," He said as he started to drive to his house.

Spencer leaned forward to turn on the radio and then leaned closer to him after a minute. "But maybe," she said, responding very much delayed to his suggestions to put her new equipment to good use.

His cheeks turned hot. "You can't do that to me, Spence…" he kissed her when they stopped at a red light.

"Goooo," she giggled. "It's green!" A bunch of car horns echoed from behind him. He shrugged and kissed her again as a few cars went around him and she laughed the rest of the way home.

xx

She felt him press his body against her from behind as she reached up into the cabinets.

"You know, it's already hard enough to try to figure out what to eat for dinner when all you have is a can of tuna fish and Chef Boyardee." She said shutting the cabinets.

"Well you teased me in the car…so it's my turn to do it to you…" He said as she turned to face him, still wedged between him and the counter. He lifted her up onto the counter and stood between her legs, his lips only about an inch from her lips. She leaned in to kiss him but he tilted his head up and just locked eye contact with her, smiling as he squeezed her legs.

"Kiss?" She pouted, putting her hands on either side of his face.

"Here?" He asked, kissing her hand. She shook her head no. "How about here?" He said, kissing in the crease between her forearm and upper arm.

"Nooooo," She whined, trying to bring his lips up to hers.

He continued this game of kissing random bits of exposed skin, none of which were even remotely near where she wanted him. She was wiggling under his grip, trying to fight her way to his lips, but he held her back and kissed her arms, ears, nose, and fingers.

He pushed back a little and started to lift her shirt. "Tobyyyyy," she welped. "I just want a kiss. Just one." She pleaded.

"I've given you near a hundred by now," he smirked, kissing a trail from her belly button up to the bony midsection just beneath her bra, and back down again, past her belly button and lingering near the waist of her jeans.

"Toby!" She screamed, pushing herself back on the counter and hitting her head of the cabinet. "Ow," she said, holding her head and laughing. He tried to hold back his laugh but he couldn't help it. She shoved him back as he laughed.

"Aw, come here." He kissed the top of her head, and went to pull her face towards him to kiss her lips, finally, but she pulled away and smirked. They were both all hot and bothered at this point, but it was getting fun teasing, and being teased, even.

She kissed his hears and nibbled at his earlobes, breathing hot and heavy breathes into his ear. She knew he always went crazy when she did that. She stopped nibbling and whispered. "We need to go buy groceries," she said, managing to even make the A&P sound sexy.

"We could do something else first," he said, his fingers dancing up her shirt and across her sides. She put her hands on his forearms to stop him, leaning up to kiss his chin dimple, just barely missing his mouth.

"Dinner." She insisted, grabbing his keys and turning to watch him watch her walk away in awe before joining her. She just laughed.

xx

"How much did your dad leave you for the week?" Spencer asked, trying to sum up the few things they already had in the cart: trail mix, pasta, and a few apples. His dad said he was gone on business for the next week and a half or so, but really this was the anniversary of his mother's death, and his father did this every year. He just couldn't handle being home. Toby used to wish he'd take him along, but grieving separately was much better for the both of them.

"He just left the credit card," Toby said, shoving his hands in his pockets. It was taking a lot of energy not to just push Spencer into the frozen section and attack her right here. "Can't we just go homeee? There's food in the cart!"

"I don't know what dinner you think we can make with apples and linguini, but I'm not sure I want to ask."

"Well if we have to stay can't we at least pick food that isn't so…healthy." He made a face.

"It wouldn't hurt to eat something other than a tuna melt and Taco Bell," she said, playfully hitting his stomach. He lifted his shirt to expose his muscular physique.

"I'm fine," he said, teasing her.

"Put your clothes on," she smiled and rolled her eyes, walking down the aisle and putting a few more items into the cart as they weaved in and out of aisles.

He didn't argue much the rest of the trip, he just followed closely behind her, touching her in all the ways he could get away with in public, earning him glaring looks form Spencer as she bit her lip, trying her hardest to seem stern rather than amused and turned on by him.

They reached one of the last aisles and there was a mother with a small toddler boy in the front of the shopping cart, and an older, preschool aged little girl climbing on the end of the cart, riding it while her mom pushed it. They were very talkative, even if most of it was nonsense and babytalk.

"THAT GIRL HAS A BRAID LIKE ELSA MOMMY! Do you think her name is Elsa? Mommy? Mom?"

"Elsaaaaa" the little boy echoed.

"I'm sorry," the mother turned to Spencer, who now had Toby's hands in her pockets from behind her as she perused the shelves for the spices she wanted.

"It's fine," she laughed and crouched down to the little girl that was now off her mother's shopping cart and was much closer to Spencer.

"My name is Spencer, but I really like Elsa. But Olaf was my favorite," she raised her eyebrows.

"How did you do your braid like Elsa? I want an Elsa braid!" She jumped up and down, her straight blonde bouncing up and down and getting in her face. "Can you help me?" The little girl put her hands together enthusiastically.

"Come on, Clarissa, we have to go." The mom put out her hand for the girl to join her. "Don't bother the nice lady."

"I can braid your hair if you promise to be good for your mommy," She said smiling up at the mom. The little girl hugged Spencer around the neck. "Mommy mommy i'm gonna look like Elsa!" She exclaimed, and Spencer laughed and combed the girls hair in her fingers and quickly gave her a loose side braid that matched her own.

"THANK YOU SPENCER" The little girl jumped up and down and skipped down the aisle, flipping her braid over her shoulder.

"Thank you…can I give you something?" The mother fished in her purse.

"Don't worry about it." Spencer smiled and adjusted her shirt. "She's adorable."

"You just made her day." The woman smiled. "Do you have children or siblings? You were so good with her."

"I'm the youngest, and I'm still only in high school." Toby loosened his hold on her hips, realizing they looked like a married couple. "But I do teach dance classes, the big center going north on Oak Street."

"I just assumed you were newlyweds." The woman smiled. "Have a good one," she said as she started to catch up with the little girl, calling after her to wait up.

Spencer smiled. "That was cute." She said, resuming her search for garlic salt.

"If we had a baby, what do you think it would look like," he said, holding her from behind, this time more innocently than he had been, wrapping his arms around her stomach.

"Wasn't the whole point of what we did today to prevent that from happening? We have our whole lives in front of us…"

"I know…but, just, what do you think? I think our babies would be a force to be reckoned with… your brain and my athleticism… and let's face it, we're both pretty attractive," he smirked and she pushed him a little, laughing.

"Well now I'm just picturing a newborn with a six pack and nerd glasses," she laughed.

"We'll see, eventually." He smiled, kissing her neck and letting his hands meet over her tummy, where a baby might live one day. He hoped it would be his.

"Stop that," she slapped her hands away. "Don't joke about that, not yet."

"Fine…all I'm saying is when I put a little baby in there it's going to be perfect. You know, when we're married and stuff." He said with a smirk, kissing her head and walking down the grocery aisle before she could argue with him about her twisted notions and fears about love and the future and how she was convinced he'd move on. Because his twisted fear was only of losing her somewhere along the way.

_This boy is going to be the end of me. _She shook her head, but couldn't help but smile, meeting him at the end of the grocery aisle and at the back of her mind imagining meeting him at the end of the aisle in a church. She shook the idea he had planted from her mind quickly, telling him to help her put their food up on the checkout belt.

xx

"I thought I was supposed to be cooking for you tonight," He said, watching her stir around shrimp in garlic and oil in a pan on his stovetop.

"If it were up to you we would be eating charred grilled cheese and Campbell's soup."

"What's wrong with that? It's like comfort food." He shrugged. "the point was, I wanted you to relax. You're always so worried…about college, and the stupid doctor's appointment, and your parents, and, well, everything."

"Well I think it'd be nice to have a nice, more healthy meal. That's all." She shrugged. "And, you know, I'm not _that_ stressed. I'm, uh…I'm not going to New York anymore, and everything is going much better."

"Woah woah woah, you're not going to New York anymore? Where are you going?"

"Do you want to help me cook or not?" She said dropping the pasta into the boiling water.

"Spencer…what happened?"

"I got off the wait list at UPenn and they offered me a spot…so I'll be going there."

"Isn't that exactly what you didn't want? Ugh, Spence, you're supposed to do what you want an do, not what your mom and dad want to do."

"To be fair, i didn't really want to go to Fordham, either. It was another law program. I wanted to dance. But I actually think that if I can stay close by and work at the studio still, if I'm still dancing while I go to school, then I'll be happy. I can do what I love while still doing something…practical."

"That sounds like your father talking, not you." Toby groaned.

"Toby, stop it. Okay? Stop it. Let's just enjoy dinner together. We've had a wonderful day.

"You're right… I just want you to be happy for you."

"Well doing what you think I should be doing isn't really any different or any better than listening to my parents, now is it?" She looked him right in the eye, crossing her arms over her chest. She made a good point.

"It doesn't matter. Not right now. I'm sorry."

She just shrugged. She usually avoided confrontation.

"Hey…look at me…" he said, turning her around from the stove.

She looked in his eyes but didn't say anything. "Please? I'm proud of you, okay?"

Her eyes finally softened. "I never got that kiss." She eased up a bit.

He willingly obliged and softy pecked at her lips. He deepened the kiss, but she swatted him away. "I'm going to burn dinner if you don't cool it, Toby." She said, moving the shrimp around in the pan and stirring the pasta. She soon drained the pasta and plated their meals.

"This literally looks like it came from a restaurant."

"I took a cooking class a few years ago," she shrugged.

"Is there anything you don't know how to do?" He joked.

"Uhm… actually, no." She joked back, and kissed him.

He studied her for a few moments as they broke apart and started to eat. He may have apologized for jumping on her for doing what her parents wanted, but he still didn't agree with it. His own mother had been trapped in a world she didn't mesh with, a life she never wanted. And that's what broke her. She spiraled slowly, and then rapidly at the end. And eventually she died in a messy end of her own reflexive battle against herself and the world that bound her. He refused to see that happen to Spencer. He'd seen it before in her: sadness plastered behind an artfully crafted, near perfect fake smile; the deadness in her eyes when she was upset enough to cry, but couldn't find the will; the desperation for something that he couldn't figure out, but it had something to do with her parents, which confirmed to him that she might not ever get what she was looking for. And although she was a smart girl, quite possibly the smartest person he'd ever known, he wasn't sure that she really knew what he did.

He watched her, as if a sign would just flash above her head telling him how she was, what she was feeling, and what he needed to do to knock her back on track. If she even needed it. He was aware he was being dramatic and hypersensitive, but he was afraid to brush it off as an extension of the feelings manifested around the anniversary of the death of his mother, when it could be real. It might not be a manifestation at all. Now his head was spinning with the paranoia.

"Hey…Toby? Tooooobyyyy?" She waved her hand in front of his face. "Why aren't you eating? You were majorly spacing."

"Oh, uh, yeah. I just need a smoke." He said, standing up to go to the back porch.

"Why don't you eat first, at least?" She didn't like that he smoked, but she didn't fight him on it ever. He knew how she felt, that it was bad for him. But out of all the vices there were, this was considerably less harmful.

"You know what, you're right." He smiled and sat back down, digging into his meal. She watched him eat.

"Is it good?"

"Amazing," he kissed her with his mouth still half-full, and she laughed, wiping her mouth.

After dinner, he helped her clean up and did the dishes with her. Water splashed up onto them from dishes falling into the sink too hair, and bubbles overflowed onto the counter when he added too much soap to the sponge.

She threw some bubbles his way. "How is it we always make a mess in this kitchen?"

"Who cares? It's fun." He said, putting bubbles on her chin like a beard.

She laughed and kissed him, wiping her face on his shirt.

"Oh, nice…" he said sarcastically and laughed, wiping the bubbles off with a dishtowel.

"I can't stay tonight… I have to work early, but maybe we can rent a movie?"

"Or maybe I can kick your ass at Scrabble again."

"To be fair, we never finished that game, so you really didn't win…''

He laughed at her competitiveness. "Whatever you say."

"And even if you count that as a win, it wasn't a complete ass-kicking."

"Fine, fine, fine." He laughed. "I'll be right back." He kissed her nose and went outside. She figured he'd be back in right after his cigarette, but after fifteen minutes she got nervous and opened the back door slowly, poking her head out.

"Tobes?"

He popped out from the other side and scared her, causing her to slam the door and yell.

He laughed hysterically before re-opening the door and scooping her up.

"I'm sorry babe, I couldn't resist."

"You're a jerk." She tried to pout, but couldn't stop laughing after the fact.

"Come on…" he grabbed her hand and pulled her outside.

"What?" She narrowed her eyes. His breath smelled like smoke so she knew he'd already had his cigarette.

"You'll see." He said, and she saw a blanket laid out beside the hammock, and he'd lit up his fire pit.

"Smores and stargazing until you have to leave?" He offered.

"You're so gross and mushy and i hate how much I love it, Toby Cavanaugh," She said pushing him into the blanket.

"I have to go inside and get the marshmallows," he said laughing as she straddled his waist.

"I think we can wait a little while, I've got something better." She said kissing him up and down, teasing and kissing and teasing and kissing as far as they could go without actually doing anything, just like their old study sessions.

They rolled around on the blankets until the stars turned blue and the fire burned out.

"So much for getting sleep before I have to go to work," she laughed as they saw the sun start to rise.

"Sleep is overrated," he shrugged, standing up and coming back with a big thermos full of coffee. "If we're up, we might as well watch the sun rise." He smiled, handing her the thermos before sitting.

"Wait wait wait," she said louder than she wanted to, causing a bunch of birds to start chirping. "Go get the marshmallows…now is better."

He shook his head laughing but obliged. He came back and re-lit the fire, and then sat behind her to envelope her in his arms. They shared the coffee, burned marshmallows, and traded sticky kisses until the sun was officially bright enough to wake up the rest of the neighborhood.

She kissed him goodbye as he dropped her off in her driveway to get into her own car.

Goodbyes were always the hardest part.

* * *

><p>To the Guest who said that I deserve all of the reviews I get and whatnot, and felt bad about not reviewing more, I wish you'd sign in so I can properly thank you!<p>

Thank you to you and to everyone who has been patient and kept up their hopes for my stories while I was on an accidental hiatus! I know I promised an update before the new year but it's been crazy over here. I am so grateful people kept my stories in mind when I wasn't updating.

I hope you all enjoy this. I love you all. Happy new year!


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